171.8 Better than Good Enough

On the long road of dieting that I have traveled throughout most of my life, I always knew it was possible to lose some weight. And, I always thought that was good enough. I also knew that I would put weight back on, because that was the only way I knew how to think. It was as if the yo yo syndrome was to be expected, and dealt with as desired :).

What I have learned and practiced through hypnosis during this "weight loss adventure" is that there is a much different, much better result that can be had. I'm really aware of it now as I am in the situation of dealing with so many Christmas treats, parties, dinners out, etc. I have gained a little, but I am not depressed, not frightened by the really small amount of weight gained. I am not saying oh well, here we go again. I am saying okay, get moving, be aware, and enjoy life. I'm saying stay optimistic and full of energy and life and all will be well.

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and are looking forward to a very happy, very healthy New Year!

172.0 The Morning After

When I was much younger and would drink too much at a party or special event, I knew that I would feel awful the next morning and that I would spend the next day "in recovery". That's how I feel today but it is not the result of alcohol. It must be a sugar hangover exacerbated by way too many calories. I literally have that buzzy feeling in my head and an upset stomach and, hello a good pound or two more than I usually carry around as a part of me. Today will be the beginning of some intense recovery work!

But wait. We are leaving on Thursday to go to Memphis to have a late Christmas/New Years celebration with our son's family. Just when I will be getting everything back on track I'll be faced with more opportunities to lose my place, lose my resolve.

I think it's time to just put all that I've learned into practice and hang on for the ride. I've had enough goodies to last until at least next Christmas, so I can do this.

One more thing... in case you didn't see this news clip, it features our 9 year old grandson explaining how he used the Hemlich maneuver to save his friend's life. We are so proud of him. http://www.myfoxmemphis.com/dpp/news/local/good_news/121710-choking-riverdale-student-saved-by-classmate

171.0 Random Acts of Kindness

Sometimes when I start to write a post I don't know quite what I will say. But today I know! And, I should have suspected it was going to be a special morning after being greeted by this gorgeous sunrise.

I ordered breakfast at the Paradise Bakery this morning and as I tried to pay for it I was told it had already been paid for! I, of course, thought the cashier had made a mistake and I was not the person who was supposed to get the breakfast. She assured me that it was meant for me! I was so flustered and happy and wanted to thank the person who had bought my breakfast. She told me that the person wanted to remain anonymous but that she would let "them" know that I appreciated it!

Obviously, I haven't been the recipient of random acts of kindness in the past and now am determined to "pay it forward". What if each of us did something like this once a week or once a month or once a year? I can hardly wait to begin.

Amazing how good this made me feel! Happy Holidays to all!

170.6 Remembering Hitting Plateaus

But now I am delighted with this plateau! It used to throw me under a truck when that was happening while I was trying to lose. I like this new world of maintenance. It is sort of a warm, friendly place to be. Once the holidays are over I will work to get down below 170, a few pounds as a safety net, but for now I am happy with where I am.

As the holidays draw closer, I may not blog every day and I imagine you won't take the time to read every day. So check in now and then and after the dust settles after the first of the year, I 'll get back on track with daily posts.

Hope you are enjoying this wonderful time of year.

170.6 And We Ate Out Last Night

How do I do it :) ? Changes in habits, amounts, hypnosis, and happiness can account for most of it!

Now for the bad news - my back is all messed up. It's a little ironic to me that I finally get all of this weight off thinking it will help my back and my back is laughing at me saying no way! So now I have to go to a physical therapist who specializes in treating cockeyed pelvises. Oh my! But at least there are people who are trained to help people like me and I'm very grateful for that.

And, if you weren't able to see the video, here's a new link:
http://youtube.com/jscotthypnosis

171.0 Seasons in Arizona

You know, a lot of people tell me they could never live in Arizona because they love the four seasons. Well, today we are having fall/winter all wrapped up in one day. And, that's plenty for me. It has been raining steadily but not heavily since I got up this morning. We haven't seen the sun once and it is dark and gloomy and cold. Okay, well, it's 53 degrees. I do suffer from SADD, depression from gray and gloomy so this hasn't been one of my favorite days. But because it is Arizona, I know it won't last. When we were in Boston last week it was like this for all the days we were there. I sound like a spoiled brat and I probably am about this topic, but only this one :).

I used to eat almost continually on days like this, thinking that hot cocoa and cookies would make everything better. I have definitely learned that food does not make things better, unless you haven't eaten for a long time. Then I recommend it highly!

Anyway, hope your day has been bright and sunny, if not warm.

171.0 Getting The Hang of It!

Remember when I was in the losing mode and was so concerned about what was going to happen when I left the safety of my own kitchen when we would travel? We just returned from our wonderful trip to the Boston area and I did just fine.

I am so grateful for the fact that I have gotten over the desire to use food to dampen down my emotions, or to use large amounts of food to celebrate. We ate out three times, had a yummy birthday dinner that Jeff and I cooked that included breaded veal, mashed potatoes and gravy, and peppermint chocolate ice cream pie. With all this tempting food, I just ate half of what I used to eat, if that, and then I found that I was totally satisfied. The hypnosis CDs that Jennifer made for me all included thoughts like that and I wanted to believe that it would happen, but my track record with other diets had been so poor that I just didn't know if I would be able to control my eating after I reached my goal.

What's really cool is that there isn't a big struggle about it all. I just find myself stopping after I've had about half a serving, I automatically say no to bread, or maybe have one slice, and then I forget about it. In old diet times, I used to struggle throughout a whole meal with my desire to eat more bread, have more wine, etc. The struggle has disappeared along with the 80 pounds! Yay! I am so relieved that it just isn't a big deal anymore!

170.8 Breathing Deeply

After blogging yesterday, it came to me that I should have commented on what a complicated and miraculous part of the body the back is. If you look at that picture of the spine that I posted, you have to agree that it is simply amazing.

I've been careful today and things are looking much better. But I won't be hefting luggage tomorrow or even pulling a carry-on. I've learned to love my back and honor it.

I probably won't post for the next week, but check back in around the 15th. Hope everyone is caught up in the joy of the holidays and breathing deeply when the hassles overwhelm the goodness.

170.4 All I Want For Christmas

All I want for Christmas is a super glued back! As I am getting ready for a 6 hour flight to Boston, my back has decided that it wants some attention, negative attention! I know what I did. In my wisdumb, I added a new stretch to my routine and it obviously wasn't a good idea. So I am now moving carefully and will continue to do so tomorrow as I approach that Thursday plane ride! And I want to be in great shape for shopping and enjoying my time with friends and family back there.

Maybe someday you will be able to get your back aligned and then held in place with super-glue! Now that would be some gift!

170.6 Things Really Do Get Easier

Things really do get easier...if you keep at it. I'm one of those people who, especially before the weight loss, would respond either to myself or out loud with "Yeah, right!", to such a pronouncement. But I really have learned over this amazing weight loss journey that it is true. And, now I'd like to return to various times in my life when I simply gave up when things didn't come to me easily. I think of my aborted cello and clarinet lessons. No, I wouldn't have competed with YoYo Ma in my wildest dreams, but I still love the sound of the cello and wish that I could play it.

So what sparked this post today? I was out walking with one of friends and we walked very briskly for an hour. I was thinking about the first time we decided to do this walk and I was really hesitant that I could physically do it. I remember that day very clearly and it wasn't easy, but I did it. Today it was easy and enjoyable and oh, so good for me.

170.4 Being Chased!

Yes, the weight is staying down and life is good. Today I went over to our community center pool to do my workout. There were a few people there so I couldn't sing out like I like to, but it was fine. I wear a swim jacket which keeps me warm enough and I really do look forward to it. This is being written by someone who hated to exercise three years ago!

Anyway, when I first get in the water I jog in place for about 10 minutes to fast songs on my little gismo I attach to my sunglasses. Today while I was jogging to the theme from Mamma Mia and then Voulez-vous, I started thinking about why I do this and why it seems so effortless. And then I got it. I am running as if I am being chased by new symptoms of arthritis in my back, and old age! And I am! And, I intend to keep running in the water so that I win! If I stop moving I know the arthritis will get me, and then old age won't be far behind. Since there was a time when just getting into the pool caused a lot of pain, this is heaven to me.

170.6 Giving Back

Today I was tested, and I passed! At the library craft sale toward the end of the 5 hour stint, I was offered homemade candy and cookies! Without hesitating I said, "No thanks, I can't eat sweets." I don't know what the lovely teenagers who were bringing the goodies around to all of the vendors thought my affliction might be, but after I thanked them, they smiled and moved on to the next table.

So what was going on with me? Absolutely nothing except the truth. Well, my truth. Of course I can eat sweets but I really had no interest in eating what was offered. It did look good, but that good old inner voice spoke up and that was that. My big fear that I would be consumed with cravings and yearnings for all of the things I used to eat all the time has simply not materialized. For that I am extremely grateful.

And now I get to help a friend who wants lose some weight. That's a gift for me. It's about giving back and I'm delighted to have the chance. We're planning to walk together, we'll talk about the journey she is now on, and I know she'll succeed.

(One of my cheerleaders throughout this weight loss thought my blog readers should know I now wear a size one top at Chico's! In this case, my fears have been realized. The bosom is gone!)

170.6 The Holiday Drop Has Occured!

A short post for today - I'm getting back to where I was before Thanksgiving and our San Francisco trip. It wasn't that hard to get back down into the 170 range but I am relieved!

Tomorrow I'm selling my jewelry at a sale benefiting a local library so I'm looking forward to that.

And that is all the news from glorious Arizona!

171.6 The Final Video aka The Last Picture Show!

Here's the video. You may have to copy and paste it into your search engine, I say with authority, not being sure that all the terminology is correct. But hopefully you will know what I am talking about. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQnOat3uFew

As you will see, this video is a little long, but then so was the process of losing all of the weight. Recently Jennifer asked me why it took so long and then I reminded her that I had two surgeries in the midst of the weight loss and we did have to do a lot of mind mending, as I like to call the therapy, so that I would never want to use food to dull my emotions again.

The work that I did with Jennifer involved discovering why I had allowed myself to get so heavy, why I used food to stuff down my emotions and the reasons that I needed to do that. So it took a lot of honest grappling with my past to work toward learning who I really was under all of that fat. I still am reluctant to cry, to grieve, but I am aware that there are some changes in emotional responses that are closer to the surface now and I believe that with time I will become healthier in that regard. I'm still a work in progress, some might say a real piece of work :), but I'm excited to be in this new place now.

172.2 Who Are These Women In The Video?

I'm still waiting for the post holiday drop as I've named it. Perhaps tomorrow... although we are going out to eat with friends tonight and that always seems to slow me down. But I have faith that I'll be back to 170 before too long. I have to get there before we head to Boston next week because that will be another time of eating out, etc.

I used to be so uptight about the ups and downs of weight loss and maintenance, but I am just more comfortable and more accepting of it all now. I can hear Jennifer's voice saying, "Just don't get too comfortable!":)

Jennifer and I have been meeting weekly to talk about the book we want to write and guess where we meet. We meet at a bakery. It's called the Paradise Bakery, and I think that is really cool on several levels. First of all, that I can go into a bakery and not feel possessed by bear claw demons is huge. And, I like the word paradise because that's a good word to use to describe the life I am living now. I feel really blessed by all of the changes.

Today I saw the "final video", the one in which I was hoping to appear alive. And, I do have moments of liveliness, which is good. I'm laughing as I write this because there are also a few moments of not so much aliveness, but they pass quickly :). Once the video is posted on you tube I'll give you the link and you can see it for yourself. Jennifer's husband Donn did a great job of editing most of the death scenes out of it. He was able to integrate some before pictures into the video and it is quite startling to see the comparison. (To be honest, I'm not sure who any of those women in the video are. I'm still in the process of getting used to the present version.)

172.2 Making Chicken Soup

It's a little cooler out here than usual so I decided to make some chicken soup. Now that I'm on maintenance, I've started cooking again. It's not that I made some grand decision not to cook while I was in the process of losing those 80 pounds, but it was just easier to eat very simply and stay out of the kitchen.

I've come up with a great way to serve butternut squash which is healthy and low calorie in its own right, meaning without the butter I added. But anyway, I bought the fresh, already cubed squash and cooked it in the microwave with about 1/4 cup of water added, for about 15 minutes. When it was done I mashed it by hand, added butter, salt and pepper and my secret ingredient, sugar free maple syrup! It is so yummy. I took it to our Thanksgiving gathering and it was a great hit as was my pumpkin pie. Follow the recipe on the can of pumpkin, but substitute Splenda or Stevia for the sugar, egg beaters or similar product for the eggs and use fat free evaporated milk instead of the usual! Another successful contribution to Thanksgiving provided by yours truly.

Now, while we were in San Francisco is where I did a little damage mainly because we ate all of our meals at restaurants. I've learned to always ask for sugar free maple syrup, but it was a little harder to not use the regular since in the two restaurants we went to for breakfast, the real thing was served warm. But, I did the 1/2 and 1/2 trick which I've adopted when I want a little of the real and a little of the more healthy version.

We had a great time seeing relatives, and the wedding was wonderful. We stayed right on Union Square so that even if we hadn't wanted to shop, the Black Friday crowds were everywhere. For this gal from the desert lands of north Scottsdale, it was really fun and exciting to see and be a part of the crowds! But, it's great to be back home where the sun is shining and the temperatures are finally rising!

Now we have two family birthdays and then Christmas. It is a busy time of year!

170.4 Happy Thanksgiving!

We just got home from a wonderful Thanksgiving feast at our friend's home. Most of the dishes were made with less fat and sugar and were absolutely fantastic! I'm learning, still learning how to do this and still be able to enjoy yummy flavors of old favorites!

We are off to San Francisco for the weekend to attend a wedding so won't be blogging until Tuesday.

As you can imagine, I am very thankful for all those who helped me reach my 80 pound weight loss goal. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for all of the wise and steadfast help from Jennifer Scott. And I owe a lot of thanks to Jeff for all the support and understanding he's given me over these past two and a half years, and, to all of you readers who directly or indirectly have given me encouragement. Thank you.

Hope you all had a very happy Thanksgiving.

170.8 Eat...Shop...Eat...Shop...

Yesterday I experienced a new kind of road rage. I think that's what it was. A woman wanted to cut in between me and the car in front of me as she made a left turn. Since I had the right of way, I really didn't consider stopping to allow her maneuver. Well, she didn't care and went tearing through the very limited space between me and the other car, and as she drove by my horror stricken face, she gave me a huge, wild, somewhat distorted grin and waved at me! It was really something. I couldn't decide if she was on drugs or thought she was cute or what! I was also very glad she hadn't hit my car.

But what's really funny was my reaction to being scared. I immediately thought that I should either eat or shop. So my mind ricocheted between the two - to shop or to eat! I had to do something to settle my jangled nerves. You'll be happy to know that that thankfully Chico's was a block away. Remember, I suggested you buy Chico's stock. If you did, I'm sure you've seen a very positive return! I, on the other hand, can no longer afford to buy Chico's stock!

It is interesting how our emotions can regulate our behavior especially in stressful situations. Eat...shop...eat...shop.... Let's hear it for shopping!

170.8 Compassion and Honesty, Hmm...

Yesterday I went over to our community pool to do my workout. A very nice guy was there who hadn't seen me in a long time. As we were chatting, he interrupted himself and said, "You've lost weight!" And, then he asked me how I did it. I was beginning to tell him about how I had made changes in my eating habits, etc., when he said that he could never change his eating habits, in light of his love of butter. And then he shared that his cholesterol was very high and that he was trying to decide if he should start taking drugs to treat that. When I suggested that he could start by eating just half the amount of butter he usually does, you would have thought I had suggested that he eat that food that you find most repulsive! And then he continued to tell me more about his love of butter, and that he had been a nutrition major in college, but now that he was older, he just didn't want to deal with any of the health/weight issues.

In spite of the fact that one of my personal goals is to be more compassionate, I heard myself, in all my compassion :), blurt out, "Do you want to eat butter or die?" I've been where this man is. I've been in that mental place where I believed that making change seemed highly undesirable and was probably not possible.

When I said I had to move on and start my workout, he smiled and said,"You have changed! You should start a class about weight loss here at the community center". I told him that I was thinking about doing just that, with compassion. I know I am making fun of myself and my need to be more compassionate, but for me it's serious business. So now my goal is to be compassionately honest. I think that's possible, just like losing weight. I'm working on it.

171.2 Reading The Cereal Box

Remember when you were a kid, sitting at the breakfast table reading the cereal box? Well, this morning I found myself reading the box of a new high fiber cereal that Kellogg is promoting! I went to the list of ingredients and couldn't believe my eyes. After counting 20 ingredients and only being about 1/3 of the way through the list, I quit and vowed never to buy this cereal again. Oh, it tastes very good, probably due to all of the additives. But do I really need all sorts of dyes added to my cereal, chemicals for this and that? I don't think so. I took out some other boxes of cereal to compare, and all of them had fewer than 8 ingredients and no dyes. Of course, good, old fashioned oatmeal takes the prize.

I'm more at peace with the weight loss and the beginning stages of maintenance than I have been during these early days of glory :)! It feels less daunting and as long as I stay present and conscious of what I'm eating and keep exercise and drinking lots of water high on my to do list, I'll be fine.

171.2 Arizona Autumn

It's raining here! It isn't supposed to rain in Arizona. At least, that's what I like to believe. We do need the rain. We always need the rain, but it really does a job on my happiness quotient. I don't know if because I was raised in California that I have trouble tolerating gray skies, or if it's a chemical imbalance, or what, but I do not do well on gray days.

Soon after we were married we moved from UCLA to a very small town in Michigan. My world went from technicolor to black and white! And, I really didn't know what happened since I'd never lived in such a dour place! Oh well, I just have to get to a point where I can allow a few gray days into my life once in a while.

On the other hand, something really beautiful is happening out here. I don't know if it is unusual or if I just never noticed it before, but the ocotillo (o-co-tee-yo) plants are turning from dark green to gold! I think Arizona is trying to experience autumn. When the sun shines through these most amazing plants, it is a sight to behold.

171.6 I Got Phished!

Today was not a good day. I got phished! I didn't even know what that meant until Jeff explained it to me. So if you got an email from me saying I tagged you in a photo and you opened it, you got phished also. I learned the hard way not to open any fishy looking email.

So life continues in maintenance, and yes, it's easy and it's hard. It's easy because I am so guarded about what I eat, but it's hard, because I thought it would be easier than it is. Now there's a mouthful!

We just came home from a cocktail party. I think the compliments served to keep me on target. But soon, my new look will no longer be anything people will talk about. They'll be used to it and that will be good. Things will seem more normal. I still need to do this one bite at a time, and I can!

171.6 The Last Picture Show!

Remember the movie by that name? For months, Jennifer Scott has said that once I reached my goal weight we'd do a final video. Today was the big day!

Now I've never liked any of the videos that we've done together. I really don't like talking about myself while being filmed. I do like to talk about myself with friends and family, as they will tell you without hesitation, but as soon as the camera is turned on me I morph into this totally unrecognizable person who seems to be high on some illegal drug.

I hope today's video is better than those done in the past. I was definitely more myself and more at ease that in the earlier videos, probably because of all of the changes that have taken place. I really wanted to explain all the elements that came together to make this weight loss possible, and, to explain that it hasn't been just all about weight loss. It's about me becoming free of all that old stuff, those old burdens, physical and emotional!

We'll see. Jennifer wants to put it on her Facebook page and I may put it on this blog once it is edited. If I look alive, I'll post it. Otherwise, you'll never see it :)!

171.8 Gifts

Sometimes life gets a little overwhelming in the most wonderful sense. I taught my ESL class today and two of my students brought me Thanksgiving gifts. I'm not sure that I have ever received any Thanksgiving gifts in the past.

One of the students left work, drove to the college and during our break handed me a beautiful orchid plant, gave me a hug, and then had to get right back to work. This is the woman from Vietnam who wanted to know what to call me (doctor, professor, or teacher). She now has a job which was her goal, so she is no longer able to take the class.

The other gift was given to me by a student I have had since I started teaching at PVCC about 4 years ago. She is from Taiwan and this morning told me I was the best teacher she had ever had as she handed me a lovely gift.

It's funny how things come back around when you give from your heart. This is the first year that I have called upon my Inner Spirit to be with me as I teach each week, and the hugs, the gestures of appreciation, and my teaching have all reflected this special influence that has made this year the best ever. And you should hear this group sing "What A Wonderful World"!

171.0 Hiding Behind The Mask... No More

I've come to realize over this two and a half year long journey that among other things, I wore my fat as an accessory, or a mainstay of my wardrobe. I wore it as a mask to hide behind because I was unhappy with who I had become over the years, and unsure of who I really was.

I wonder if that is true for a lot of heavy people. I have a hunch that some people slowly put weight on with no consciousness and then wake up at a medical appointment or even shopping and think "OMG, what's happened to me?!"

In my case, I think I gave up on a lot of fronts and took refuge behind this mask, this coat of fat that kept me somewhat isolated, and unavailable. I didn't reach out, I didn't volunteer my thoughts or my energy, and when I was involved socially, I was quiet, more reserved.

Things have changed and sometimes I wonder who is speaking, who is wearing that outfit, who am I? But I like who I've become, even my new edginess as I like to call it, because I am saying what I think, and know who I am. It feels good to be authentic! It's a lot more fun than always being careful, or as my older sister referred to the old me (who she prefers :)), being "Sweet Sue".

Oh, and by the way, Jeff loves the fact that the mask is off. Now that's a good thing, as Martha Stewart would say!

171.0 Whoa!

I think I may have used that title before but it is very appropos for today's weight. I'm working hard today to stay positive and not get all in a snit about it. I did walk for a half hour, very briskly to my favorite walking music, and then I went over to our community pool and did my water therapy workout.

It's cold here! I just told a friend who was calling from Massachusetts about it being cold here and she just laughed. But it is cold here! I have a swim jacket that I wear now that cuts the wind and it does help, but I long for the 100 degree days when getting into the pool was pure heaven.

So I'm paying attention to the exercise and drinking lots of water, and returning to some of my very care full habits. This maintenance may be almost as tricky as losing the weight!

170.6 How Did I Do It?

I'm thinking a lot about how I did this, how I lost 80 pounds. Jennifer Scott wants to make a video with me talking about how I did it. First of all, I couldn't have done it without her wisdom, patience, and skill as a hypno-therapist. I wasn't easy to work with. I was pretty stubborn, stuck in my old beliefs about all sorts of things. In other words, I was a hard sell. Opening my mind to her views was work for both of us, thankfully often humorous, but work. We both hung in there together, fastened our seat belts and took every twist and turn on this journey together.

So, how did I do it? The quick answer is one bite at a time. It was one meal at a time, one day at a time, one pound at a time. I didn't just drop 5 pounds here, and 3 pounds a couple days later, etc. This was purposefully slow so that my mind would change along with my body. The quick weight loss diets I'd done earlier had produced weight loss, but no understanding of why I ate what I ate, drank what I drank, and put on that weight. So, it was the mental, emotional work that accompanied the careful eating that made this a very unusual journey.

And then there is the spiritual piece that I hadn't expected but evolved as I worked with Jennifer. She introduced me to the idea that God's power resides in all of us and can be understood once we move our ego issues aside and listen to that voice within us that gives guidance, comfort and support. This played a huge part in my changing attitudes and moving from the old to the new, and I am so grateful to Jennifer for sharing these ideas with me.

I'm still not sure what I'll say in that video, but at least I've got a head start on thinking about it after writing this.

170.6 Settling In

Our house guests have departed and we've returned from our visit to Tucson so life is beginning to return to normal... whatever that is. And that is the big question now. What is my life going to be all about? For the past couple of years, my life has been about my weight, my growing awareness of who I am and what I am all about as a result of the accompanying therapy, and both those aspects of my life are now complete, or as complete as they are going to be for the near future.

I do know that one of the greatest gifts from doing this blog with its daily posts has been the compliments I've received for my writing. I love it when friends say they can hear my voice chatting with them as they read these posts. So I am definitely going to do more writing, and perhaps take a class or two in writing, and see where that leads me. And, Jennifer and I are thinking about writing about our experience working with each other, which is quite a story in its own right:).

And, I do want to share my weight loss experience with folks who would like to know what my journey was like, and be a source of ideas and encouragement for them.

So life looks good to me right now, and maybe I don't want to achieve a new normal. Some would say I've never ever been normal, so why start now!

169.4 Before and After

We are off to Tucson for several days where I hope to sell some of my jewelry.

I'll be back posting on this blog within a few days. I am thinking about transitioning this blog into a new one since I am as addicted to blogging as I am to raw carrots and sugar snap peas :).

Happy fall weekend!

169.0 Whoo-hoo!

I'm keeping my scale after all. In fact, I'm now in love with it!

It was so exciting to see those numbers. I'd been expecting them for a few days now, but I wasn't certain that today would be the day.

I just wanted to share the good news. And, now you all can breathe a big sigh of relief. Susan's done it!

More tomorrow!

170.2 My Scale Has a Wicked Sense of Humor!

I bought it at Walgreen's for $9.99 about half way through this weight loss adventure! My old scale would give me 3 different weights all within the space of one minute. This one has been very steadfast and reliable and never varies no matter how many times I get on it first thing every morning. I was sure today was going to be my big day. I didn't eat popcorn, I drank what seemed like gallons of water and peed all day long yesterday, and yet when I got on the scale this morning, there it was...170.2. So I've decided to just go with it and know, at some point, the scale will get tired of this little game and will give in and let me see the 170.0. However, if it decides to take me on one last roller coaster ride before I get to the 170.0 mark, it may end up outside on the curb waiting for the next trash pick-up!

So I'm back in my waiting game frame of mind, and will try to keep seeing the humor in this crazy situation.

170.2 Probable Truth

Jeff says it's the low salt popcorn I ate last night that's responsible for that .2 of pound that's hanging on.:) How can I argue? As I wrote in a recent post, it's always something. But I'm beginning to believe that I may have done this! This 80 pound loss is still hard for me to visualize. If I think about that photo of 5 pounds of fat (taken in a doctor's office waiting room) and multiply it by 16, it gives me a way to look at it. But was that really a part of my body, all of it at one time, everyday, for years? Just like the popcorn last night, it's hard to argue with a probable truth.

170.2 Almost There!

This morning when I woke up I had a new image floating around in my wonderful:) mind, of me closing the door on the past, the weight issues, all the stuff that I have been working through as I head into my future. I know I've still got to sweep out the corners and crevices before I can shut the door for good, but I like that image. And as I close that door, I'll be embarking on a totally new adventure. I wonder where it will take me. I've learned a lot on this adventure, so I know I am ready for the next.

But wait a minute, Sue, not so fast. I don't think I'll close that door, after all. That past is full of so many memories, of highs and lows, of losing and then regaining and losing again, and of loads of challenges, and changes that I made in my attitudes and habits. It's full of experiences with hypnosis, with learning to listen to my inner spirit, of imaging a new way of life, a new me, that has become a reality for me, thanks to Jennifer Scott. These past couple of years have been really exciting in so many ways, so I'm sweeping and cleaning and tying things together, but I'll leave that door wide open.

170.8 Delusion vs Reality

Did you see that? Just under a pound and I will have done it! We have house guests and activities and a trip to Tucson coming up in the next week, but I can do it! Lose that .8 of a pound.



I put this picture up for a little extra push. I remember the day and event we were celebrating when this was taken, and here's the amazing thing! I thought I looked great! If you're gasping in shock, that's okay. My point is that I really deluded myself about my weight for a long time. This was taken in 1999!

I'm not sure if delusion plays a big role in the lives of heavy people in general, but it surely was alive and well in me for many, many years. And, as I go through pictures of me taken during this weight loss journey, I do remember all along the way thinking how good I looked in comparison to how I looked in other photos.

So I think it will be important for me to make an album of these pictures of me at various weights so that I don't fall prey to this most excellent ability I seem to have developed. Delusion has to be replaced with reality, awareness, and the desire to stay slender, feel younger, and be healthier. You know that saying, "a picture is worth a thousand words"? Maybe so, but only if the viewer is grounded in reality!

171.8 Challenges

Teaching my ESL class has been another great adventure for me. Recently, I have found myself asking that inner spirit to be with me as I teach. I plan every lesson so am always prepared, but as I approach the college, I ask for a little boost from that wonderful power within. And this year has been amazing because a lot of things have happened during the class that I never planned. About four weeks ago, "out of the blue" but really from within, the idea of having each student set up a challenge each week for themselves presented itself. And then during the next class they each tell about their challenge and how/whether they succeeded in meeting it. Some of the challenges have involved losing weight, increasing exercise, passing the written portion of the driving test, spending more time on their English lessons, and baking more and more elaborate cakes!

There's a wonderful, oh, about 65 year old man from Iraq who is determined to become more proficient in English, and he tells all those he interacts with that he is doing a challenge because his teacher told him he needed to do that.:) This really makes me smile! He now goes to the barbershop alone, he visited his insurance office alone, and most recently, he took his ailing mother to her medical appointment. In the past he would have always asked someone who could speak and understand English better than he to accompany him. He is so proud of himself and it's inspiring the other students.

What's really interesting is that his reaching out also presents a challenge to those he interacts with. He told us that the doctor complimented him on his English. I like to think that all of us who speak English so readily will face the challenge of giving these folks, who are working so hard to learn English and contribute to our society, the time and patience to listen and respond positively. I personally can't imagine trying to learn a new language at this time in my life in order to get along in a totally new culture.

And, if you noticed my weight, a little turbulence has set in, so I have renewed my faith that I can do this and losing 2 pounds seems very trivial compared to what my students are achieving. My challenge is to meet my goal!

171.2 More!

There's actually more to the story than just upping the amount of water that I have been drinking. As you know, I've been working with Jennifer Scott (Clinical Hypno-Therapist) and she's taught me to listen to my inner voice, for Guidance all through this process. Recently when we were together, by tapping into our inner voices/spirits, we learned something that neither of us had thought about or talked directly about, and that is that part of my inability to lose these last 5 -10 pounds has been a fear that once I reached my goal, I will start regaining the weight, all of the weight. And, I learned that I didn't need to have that fear anymore, that I will be able to handle the success and all other challenges that life will present to me in the aftermath of this weight loss. A wave of relief swept through me as I became aware of these messages. And, I started losing the weight and drinking the water and look what happened. I do have a new confidence about reaching the goal and moving on. Now I just wonder what life has in store for me. I know I'll be up to the challenge. This is exciting!

171.2 Is it all About The Water?

I'm drinking water, a lot more that I used to thanks to the encouragement of 2 doctors. I wrote about my chiropractor relating that drinking water makes your kidneys burn more calories. And recently, because I was frequently feeling very faint when I stood up I talked to my PCP and guess what he suggested? More water, especially since he did blood pressure readings for lying down, sitting, and standing. I flunked the standing test!

I am feeling better, haven't gone down yet, and think that the water is really helping with the blood pressure issue. And, I'm quite convinced that it is helping with the weight loss. I always thought I was drinking plenty of water all through this weight loss process, but now I am measuring it and setting new goals for how much I really drink everyday. Keeping track has made me realize that I wasn't drinking as much as I thought! You know, it's kind of maddening when I think about how maybe this all could have happened a little (a lot) faster if I had been more careful about the water. Did you see that? I just kicked myself! :)

171.8 Almost Landing

I'm a very nervous flyer. I don't like the take-off and have become hyper-aware of all sorts of things as the plane rises into the sky. Is it moving fast enough, is it going steep enough, and how does it sound, are just a few of the things I judge as the plane ascends. And, I am happy to say that so far all of my take-offs have been without incident.

Starting this weight loss adventure was a little like boarding a plane and then taking off. When I started I didn't have a goal, a destination, in mind. I just wanted to lose weight. And, the beginning was stressful because I didn't want to fail, I didn't want to crash.

And once the plane has leveled off and is heading toward my destination, I relax a little, until the first turbulence hits and then I'm a basket case! I do calm down as the plane calms down, but I'm always on guard. It is up to me to keep the plane up in the air, right?

I'm not sure you could say that I ever really relaxed during this weight loss program. I did gain more confidence in it over time, but for me it has been like being in the plane that has taken off and is not ready to land. Every bump up caused anxiety similar to that caused by a little turbulence, and when I bumped up a couple of pounds, it was major turbulence, major anxiety that I experienced. And this journey's success has definitely been all up to me!

And then I begin to wait for that change in sound, change in altitude, change in speed as the plane begins its descent. And I start making mental notes about how things are going as the plane approaches the airport to make its landing.

I'm in the landing pattern now, getting ready to complete the descent and to arrive at my destination. I may bounce a little depending on unforeseen happenings, but I definitely won't have to climb back up, circle and try again. This is the landing that I've been awaiting for a long time now. And, I'm filled with those same feelings of relief and excitement and anticipation that I always experience when I reach my destination.

171.8 Cool, Clear Water

I'm thinking about changing the name of my blog to Susan's Drinkin'! Not really, but upping the amount of water that I drink is certainly helping with these last few pounds. I knew that water was good for me, good to flush out all of the impurities in my system, but this morning I learned something else about water. Maybe this should have been really obvious to me, but I just never put it all together. My chiropractor said that as you increase the amount of fluid/water you drink, you up the number of calories burned because your kidneys have to work harder, doing the work they are meant to do. Talk about motivation!

And, yesterday I was able to zip up my "celebration" pants, the very, very tight pants I bought about 3 months ago to wear when I reached my goal. Now I just have to keep it all together and see that 170.0 on my scale.

172.6 Sweet Talking...Myself

Lately I have noticed a change how I treat myself. I don't know if everybody has done this, but whenever I would do something wrong, I would often talk to myself about it. I'd say things like, oh no, you forgot again, or I can't believe you did that again. Sometimes I would be even harsher and I'd say things like that was really stupid, or, why do you keep doing that?, or when are you going to learn? Some of this self talk may in fact reflect things I heard from my parents as a child, but I think I have been much harder on myself that my parents ever were.

Anyway, recently I've started calling myself Honey and Susie Dear when I talk to myself and I encourage myself instead of beating myself up. Obviously, I have had words with myself about the weight loss roller coaster, harsh words. But now I hear comforting words. I have been working on becoming more compassionate toward others, but maybe the best place to start is with myself.

Oh, and did you notice the drop in weight? I saw my doctor a couple of days ago and because of low blood pressure especially when I stand up, which makes me think I am going to fall down :), he encouraged me to up my fluid intake by a fair amount. Could it be that this may be a key to success? Here's to another bottle of water!

174.4 A Solution?

I have a great friend who happens to be about ten years younger than I am. She's tiny, and she's contemplating having a tummy tuck. When she mentioned it, I was trying to figure out why she wanted it and where she hiding this tummy that she wanted tucked. Once she showed me what she was talking about, I could see why she might want to have it done.

So now I am starting to think that having a tummy tuck would solve all of my problems. I definitely could use a tummy tuck after losing all of this weight, but it would also solve the last 5 pounds problem! When I heard it would cost $10,000 (a real bargain compared to my estimate of $23,000 for a face-lift), I started rethinking this strategy. I think tucking a few less calories in my mouth over the next few weeks might be a much less painful solution and, maybe, with those 5 pounds gone, I won't be so sure I need a tummy tuck.

Also, I received three very thoughtful comments on yesterday's post. Although they were very different, I really appreciated each of them very much.

174.8 The 5 pound Albatross

It's been frustrating to be stuck with this 5 pound albatross pulling me down. I've been mad, sad, frustrated, angry, and discouraged. I've spent a lot of time and energy with these feelings. I've questioned my weight goal, also. Was I crazy to set such a low goal? Hello! Sue, 170 pounds is not low for your 5'9" height. And then I spend time and energy wishing that I had set the goal at 175 and then I would have achieved it -- or would I have achieved it? Would I be stuck at 180, close but no cigar?

I can come up with some psychological reasons for why I am stuck, pretty obvious to some I'm sure, but I just don't think I am stuck in that way. However, if you've read many of these posts, you know that I did get A+ in Denial for many years around weight issues.

Even though I have plans and ideas for myself after the weight loss becomes a reality, maybe I like this niche @ Susan's Losin, and don't want to leave, to move on? No matter, it's time to lose it and move on. One more time, all together now, get going! By the way, I never dreamed this would be the way it would be so close to the end. I'm ending with a whimper! Yuck!

175.0 Arizona's Secret Garden

Since there is not much to blog about on the topic of my weight, I've decided to show you a bit of Arizona's secret garden! It's called the Boyce Thompson Arboretum and is the arboretum classroom for University of Arizona. I went recently with a couple of my friends and we were amazed by the vistas and the wide variety of plants that were growing there for us to enjoy. I even took a picture of a tarantula since one decided to hustle right by us. It is a little blurry but if you look hard at the photo that looks like all it is is leaves, he's camouflaged in the midst of them. Here's the site that will let you see the slideshow that I put together: http://gallery.me.com/smbmiller

About the weight...I haven't given up! Can I still claim to be in recovery from the birthday weekend?

175.0 The Party's Over!

Yesterday I said goodbye to Alee and Scott at the airport. Yes, it was bittersweet. It makes me sad that we don't all live a lot closer to each other, but at the same time, being with them was so sweet, and fun, and wonderful. If we lived close to each other, I wouldn't have experienced their visit with such joy and intensity. But living far away from all of our children exacts a price. We made our decision to move out here based on health and lifestyle issues, and it has been a good decision looking at it from that point of view. But, on the other hand, it's hard.

What else is hard? Not getting rid of these last few pounds. So, today I'll work on getting back into a positive frame of mind and embrace the life I am living! All in all, it's a great life!

174.4 Perfect Birthday Card!

Last night I opened all my cards and gifts and this card from Terry and Louise was so perfect! It's an American Greetings card which happens to be the company their son-in-law works for. It made me hoot with laughter.

The party continues!

174.8 On Becoming Younger, Healthier, and Happier

I am having a great 68th birthday! We all went hiking this morning, even Charlee our dog got to go, and I was thinking a lot about my recent birthdays and how I couldn't have done this hike with ease a year ago, and definitely not at all 2 or 3 years ago.

I just looked up my weight on my last birthday and I've lost 32 pounds over the year. It's a lot of weight, but not a spectacular amount for a year. But most importantly, I feel so much healthier and younger and happier. From the first visits with Jennifer Scott and on the hypnosis CDs that she made for me, she always talked about those three changes occurring as I lost weight. And hiking today I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the fact that all of that has indeed become my reality. When I was first seeing Jennifer I wanted to believe her, but her approach was all new to me and the sceptic in me was alive and well. No more! She was so right and I am so grateful for her help, wisdom and encouragement along the way. Today I feel more like 55 or 60!

Now that's something to celebrate!

174.8 SURPRISE!

Alee and Scott


Tomorrow is my birthday, but yesterday was my big day! Our daughter Alee and her boyfriend Scott flew in from Boston and surprised me! I was busy in the house when our dog barked so I looked up and saw the two of them trying to make themselves invisible as they were sneaking past the front window! I didn't think I could run anymore, but I know I ran to the front door to make sure it was really them! I hadn't seen them since July and am so happy they are here. And, there are more surprises to come. For the rest of the weekend all I know are the times I need to be ready to go and what to wear! Turning 68 is promising to be a lot of fun!

I actually had another surprise this morning as I was walking with Jeff down a residential street when all of a sudden I heard a golf ball thonk within about 6" of me! Maybe I should take up golf again if people are playing so poorly that they miss the fairway by several hundred feet!:) I'd fit right in!

I did remember this morning to wonder at the scale's response to my getting on it instead of worrying about it. I will continue to approach the scale with wonder, but won't be too hard on myself as I enjoy whatever is coming my way over the next few days. The posts may dwindle or disappear, but I'll be back for sure on Tuesday or Wednesday.

And, as I celebrate my birthday I am filled with gratitude for my wonderful family. Even though Ted and Miranda aren't here, I know they have been involved in the planning and are sharing in the excitement.

174.8 Worrying And Wondering!

Today's motivational photo! Yikes, that's all I have to lose!





I just got off the scale... and I have to admit that I also just experienced one of those "ah-ha moments"! Why do I not like that phrase? That and "spot on" make my teeth curl! Anyway, here's the insight that fought its way into my consciousness! Are you ready? Am I ready to reveal this rather obvious insight? Lately, when I get on the scale, it's been all about worrying about how much I've gained rather than wondering about how much I've lost! I think this current way of thinking is reserved for those who have attained the maintenance level (sort of like nirvana, maybe?) rather than those of us who want to be in the losing mode. Maybe I need a new hypnosis CD? Or at least an attitude tune-up? :) Just a thought...! (Jennifer has taught me how to do both of these things in her quest to help me be more independent, so it's up to me!)

174.4 Who Was I? Who Am I?

When I wrote about my 50th high school reunion I didn't tell the whole story. Since my weight is stuck, I think I'll share a little more. The bottom line is that I was mistaken for another gal with whom I share the same maiden name, twice! The first time I just thought it was funny and decided it was not about me, but about the guy who thought I was that other gal. When it happened again the same day, I laughed it off at the time, but now it has me thinking.

If I had toted my lost 75 pounds with me to that reunion, would there have been this confusion? Was it my blonde hair which replaced the dark brown hair of my youth, or was the fact I appeared slender? The other gal did have sort of honey blonde hair in high school, but we were both tall and slender then, so it's a little confusing to say the least!

And do I need to ponder this at all? If it had happened just once, I wouldn't have given it a second thought, but it happened twice within a couple of hours, and the other gal wasn't even at the reunion! Too bad she missed it because there were at least two guys who definitely wanted to connect with her. One of the guys said to me, "Sue, I can still picture you looking so elegant in your '57 T-Bird!" Well, I never had a T-Bird or any other car in high school. Gulp! And the other guy said, "Sue, I remember walking by your house on the way home from school everyday." I knew where he lived and where she lived and they lived a couple of blocks from each other. I lived no where near either of them.

I actually think it is pretty funny! Maybe it was my eyes:)!

174.4 It's All about Adjusting!

Yesterday's post did have a pinch, a rather big pinch of that spice known as self pity. One of my inspirations for this blog is Kathleen who writes her own blog entitled Among The Savages (check it out on the right), a wonderful blog about raising her three young boys that I love to read. Kathleen is a gifted writer and can tell a story with a picture and the perfect words to let you know exactly what is going on.

Anyway, she is also a gifted comment writer! In response to yesterday's poor me post she wrote this: "If you give up you will be sure to fail. Keep going! You have done such a great job so far. You can do this. Your body is just adjusting."

I want to believe that this is exactly what is happening. I've asked a lot of this body over a long period of time, and I agree that it certainly deserves a little time for adjustment. So I am going to adjust to its timetable instead of imposing my wishes on it.

So for now, I'm going with the statement that this body is just adjusting! It's just as simple as that. Thanks, Kathleen!

174.4 Oh, You've Got To Have Friends!

So, when I got on the scale this morning I was ready to just kiss it all off. The frustration is exhausting! I was so down that I decided I wouldn't walk, and was sulking about why I just can't dump these last few pounds.

And then a friend called who had been away since last April and asked me if I wanted to go walking with her. It was all I needed to get me up and on my way! She was full of compliments about my new figure and my eyes and made me feel that all is NOT lost. Thanks, Louise, for unwittingly helping me to keep going. I'm so glad you are back.

173.0 Bones, My Bones!

This morning I woke up so aware of my bones. I don’t imagine that most people wake up with bones on their mind, but I definitely am not like most people :). What I was really thinking about is that those bones that are now so prominent have been with me all of my life, whether covered with inches of fat or much more visible.

How did they feel covered with that heavy blanket of fat? If they could talk, what would they say about the years of extra strain, weight pressing down on them as they were asked to do a more and more difficult job to support me and help move me through my life?

When I was much heavier, I used to lie in bed and try to find them. I’d make excuses for why they weren’t so prominent. Changing posture due to age was high on my list of reasons. But wait, I was lying down so that excuse just doesn’t ring true. But it sounded good to me at the time when I was weighing in close to the 250 mark.

Why do I like being back in touch with my bones? They are such an important part of me and have served me so well over the years. Except for an errant finger or toe, I’ve only broken one bone in my body throughout my oh so close to 68 years, my 5th metatarsal on the outside edge of my right foot.

My bones also give me my inner shape, and I do like my inner shape. I love my long legs, my long spine, and my long arms. It’s not vanity that dictates this love. It’s familiarity. (And, it's not a breeze buying clothes to fit the dictates of these bones. Often the sleeves are too short, the length is way too short, and the waist line comes up too high!)

And, I love the symmetry of my bones and the awesome number of my bones that are all exactly where they should be, as they should be. Feeling my hip bones again is a homecoming of sorts. And counting my ribs with certainty makes me smile. Maybe I’m just easy to please, but being in touch with my body, my bones once again, is just plain fun! And, I like to think that they are smiling, too.

173.0 Three More Pounds!

(This photo was taken at a "sunset cocktail party". Ah, Arizona!)


First of all, the Stevia that I had in coffee this morning tasted just like Splenda, so what's not to like? And, I could just switch to real sugar as long as I use it sparingly. But I think for right now, I'll take the step to Stevia and then maybe move into real sugar. We'll see.

Now about the water I designed yesterday and started drinking today...too many cucumber slices, not enough citrus, but oh so healthy! :)

And, I am laughing at myself about the fact I have never, in all 77 pounds of this weight loss, totally skipped a number on the scale. Recently I thought I was going to skip 173 all together, but that obviously is not going to be the case. In fact, after the last few days I was delighted to see the 173 appear this morning. So, onward and downward, and I am headed out to the pool to do my water therapy. It's a beautiful day here and I feel blessed to be able to live in this gorgeous place with the opportunity to do my water workout right in my back yard.

Three more pounds....!

174.2 "It's Always Something!"

Today it's sweetener. I just heard a lecture on the evils of all sweeteners except Stevia, which I learned is made from the leaves of a plant with no chemicals added. This is not great news for me since I have been living on products with Splenda added or I've been adding it to food, a lot of it. I also have been drinking Crystal Light, a lot of it, daily.

Today I made my own drink based on Sassy Water. I sliced up cucumbers, fresh ginger, some lemon and some orange slices and added it all to a jug of water. Tomorrow morning I will strain out the added stuff and have this divine healthful drink to replace my Crystal Light.

And, I bought some packets of Stevia In The Raw to try in my coffee tomorrow morning. I think I have the bases covered, at least for now. But, you know, as Gilda Radner wrote, "It's Always Something!"

175.0 OMG!

OMG! This is sooooo hard! Hang in there with me! I'll reach that 170 mark!

Have a great weekend!

174.2 Well, Here We Go Again!

The weight gain... no, I don't deserve it :0, but I am definitely used to it. Here we go again!

Today I taught my ESL class and took in the words and the Louis Armstrong recording of What A Wonderful World. There were tears and lots of smiles as we sang it together. My idea is that we'll sing it every week until we get really good, and then try another and then another song. When the class members sang it today, they were singing from their hearts and didn't get all nervous about how they were pronouncing the words. It was simply beautiful.

172.8 Is This Fun or What?

Yes, this is making me smile, and no, I don't know exactly why at this stage, I seem to be getting the hang of losing a little faster. I really like the concept of allowing rather than struggling that I wrote about a couple of days ago. I've been keeping that idea in my mind, staying present with it ever since I wrote that post, and I'm happier about so many of the things I do in my life that I used to weigh and measure all the time. I allowed myself to go to a meeting even though I was really tired last night, and I allowed myself to eat salad yesterday without any dressing because I didn't have a choice of a low calorie option, and this morning I allowed myself to use 1/4 cup of oatmeal instead of 1/2 a cup as I prepared it (still adding walnuts and fresh blueberries and topping it with my favorite Carbmaster yogurt (a Kroger product). By the way, it was delicious and filling, and plenty.

And now I am going to work on allowing myself to sleep through the night. I'm facing a bit of a conundrum on this one because maybe I should allow myself to accept that I can't sleep through the night. Let's see how this plays out.

174.0 The Big So What and Wine!

It's interesting that when people ask me about my weight loss adventure (my words not theirs), the issue of wine often comes up. And, when I mention that I no longer drink wine (or any alcohol), they say they just couldn't dream of giving up the wine! I totally understand that attitude to a point. As you know, I decided that I couldn't continue to drink up to 3 glasses of wine every night and still care about how much and what I ate for dinner. For me it didn't work at all to drink and diet. Jennifer suggested that maybe I could have just one glass of wine and manage my eating with care and be able to make good decisions. I think that for some people that might work out very well.

My situation was not quite so simple. First of all, my glass of wine was not a 4 - 5 ounce glass of wine. Mine was closer to 7 or maybe 8 ounces. So by the time I had had 2 of my glasses I had already consumed around 375 to 400 calories. And, once I had done that, I knew I had blown any rational approach to eating less and ate as much as I wanted for dinner. Often we'd go out and I would have a glass of wine before being served dinner, and then, oh, what the heck, I'll have another, and maybe just one more with dinner was my attitude.

What I know is that some people can cut back, keep their wits about them and lose weight. After trying for a while and not succeeding, I just knew I couldn't.

But so what? The big so what is that you have to think about how important is it for you to get the weight off, not how important your wine is every night. Think about it. And here's the real zinger, why is the wine so important?

174.0 Exactly Tickety-Boo!

What's happening? As I keep writing, I'm never exactly sure why I lose, but I am very sure I like what ever is happening. I was so excited about seeing that .0 after the 174 I got a little confused and for a while was thinking I weighed 170! I know, I know! I have to cancel the celebration until it is a reality.

I've been thinking about how to celebrate, keeping the celebration low calorie and low cost. I'm sure I will think of something that will be, you've got it, tickety-boo. And, now I"ll put that phrase to bed for good. Nitey-nite!

174.6 Hide And Seek

Recently Jennifer asked me about how it felt to be as heavy as I was when I first met her. (The picture on the left was taken within the week following that first appointment.) For someone like Jennifer, who has never been heavy, it was and still is hard to imagine that I could tolerate it, live with it, be okay with those 80 pounds. What did it physically feel like to have such heavy thighs, take up so much space in a chair, to just be moving around? After giving it some thought, I could honestly say that I just didn't think about it most of the time. Weight gain usually occurs slowly, over time, so that you just adapt. I remember making so many excuses about my clothes not fitting well. They shrunk, it was about my posture due to my back, I could still wear them but I'd look a little better in the next size up, and when I went shopping (in the plus size section) they just weren't making whatever size as large as they used to. Oh yeah, the cut of the jeans must be different so I needed to go up a size.

When did I really feel, experience those OMG moments of how big I was? I think it was when I was out with other people, in their homes when the only chair that was available looked like it would crumble if I sat in it. Or, when I was trying to get comfortable in an airplane seat and praying that I didn't have to ask for a seat belt extension - thinking there was just no reason why they couldn't cut a little slack in the length of the seat belts. Why were they so short? And, when I went shopping... Oh, the pain of reality! And when I shopped I bought a lot of things so I wouldn't have to go shopping for a long time and face that music again.

But I had something going for me to ease, to numb everything, and it was a big thing - my back. I could blame it all on my back. I needed a chair with better support because of my back, not because I was going to destroy the chair if I sat on it. My body was changing because of my back and I couldn't exercise and on, and on, so no wonder my clothes didn't fit. Yes, I did have back problems, but the weight was exacerbating those problems if not the original cause of the back problems, so I got myself into a vicious cycle, or is it circle, or maybe both? But that's where I was, spiraling around the obvious.

So how did I get conscious, aware, desirous of seeking to make this huge change in my life? I think the answer is that I couldn't hide from me anymore. The lid came off Pandora's box and I was faced with me trapped in this unhealthy, fat body, looking for a way to get out. I didn't want to be poor old grandma with her bad back, always saying I couldn't do things because I couldn't move easily. I wanted to make all the changes I could to give myself a chance to be fully engaged in life.

Can I give this consciousness, this awareness, this desire to others to help them change? I simply don't know, but I would love to be able to.

174.6 Allowing vs Struggling

You'd think by now I would have this all figured out. This is my 375th post on this blog! Okay, big Wahoo as my daughter Alee would say. But what I've learned over the year of writing these and the two and a half years of being on this adventure is that there have not been any quick fixes or even truths written in stone about how to make all of the changes that are necessary to lose weight happen. Ever since I have been in this struggle to lose the final ten pounds to reach my goal weight of 170, I think it may be just as hard for those who want to lose 10 pounds as it is to lose 80 pounds. (This is not about quick weight loss tricks since I am in this for the last time and I want this lost weight to stay lost.)

So what I've been thinking about very recently is the concept of allowing changes versus the concept of struggling to make changes happen. It sounds kind of crazy, maybe, but this morning I allowed myself to take a big walk. I didn't go through all the stuff, the miles of stuff I would wade through about why I needed to walk, which route I would take, how it would affect my metabolism, blah, blah, blah,... I just put on my shoes and said Sue let's walk! When I put together my dinner last night (Jeff was eating something totally different from what I decided on), it wasn't about calories, or did I want to eat this or that, or all the stuff, again miles of it, that I sometimes have wrestled with before putting that plate in front of me. I just took out the salmon, cooked the fresh spinach, reheated a little rice and enjoyed every bite. And I did these things with this word allow floating in my heart and head - not should, have to, can't, etc. I think I might be on to a new way for me to move forward, hoping to sprint through these last few pounds by allowing myself to do the right things, not struggling to make them happen.

175.4 Sleeping More and Losing More

Today while working with Elizabeth, my Feldenkrais specialist, she mentioned that she had heard about an interesting study on NPR about the connection between sleep deprivation and weight loss during a period of "caloric restriction". I just looked this up on the NPR Science Friday website and found it! Ah, what a technological whiz I have become. The bottom line seems to be that with at least 8.5 hours of sleep combined with "caloric restriction" weight loss was achieved much more easily than for those who had 5.5 or less hours of sleep each night. Here's the link so you can go straight to the nitty-gritty scientific info. http://www.annals.org/content/153/7/435.short

But wait...I want to talk the the folks who can give me 8.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep! That would be a dream come true for this yo-yo sleeper. I just made that up! What to you think of that term for those of us who fall asleep and wake up a couple of hours into our sleep period and then bounce back and forth between sleep and wakefulness?

And for those who are curious about my voice/emotion work with Elizabeth, I can report that my diaphragm is much more relaxed, my upper lungs are much more open, and I'm beginning to feel more, little by little, which is probably much better than being hit all at once by a pent up wall of emotion that's been lurking within me for several decades. I think we are on to something and am very grateful for her help.

176.2 Can We Just Get On With It?

I've heard that phrase, "why can't I just get on with it?" more than once lately coming from inside my head. It's about weight loss and it isn't about weight loss. It's about embracing life, not picking apart every experience, every moment, every connection to be sure that that is the best I can have, do, be!

I really feel that way about my weight today. I was extremely careful yesterday and lost only .2 of a pound. I was hoping for a half to a whole pound. Why not? Why is it always so much easier to put weight on than to take it off? You would think I would have all the answers by now, right? And, no Sue, you aren't going to lose a pound a day.

So I'm going to take a more tickety-boo :) attitude about lots of things in life, and see what happens. With less striving for perfection and less attention to how every little thing in my life is going, maybe life will start happening, full of surprises, promise, and renewal... and, weight loss!

176.4 Not Exactly Tickety-Boo

This morning I received a comment on an earlier post that described it as tickety-boo. I'd never heard that phrase before and Jeff and I had a lot of fun thinking about what it could possibly mean. I was ironing and was wondering if I was in a tickety-boo zone as I methodically moved the iron back and forth to get rid of the wrinkles. Ohhhh, that just reminded me of my face and maybe my wrinkles would respond to a tickety-boo treatment! And, we have already decided that our next dog will be named Tickety-Boo. And, it went on and on.

When I finished the ironing I looked the phrase up and learned, much to my delight, that it's a British term for informal, fine, excellent, in working order as in "that's the ticket". I still love the sound of the word, but Jeff and I had put a much more titillating spin on it by the time we were done.

So, facing the true definiton, my weight gain is definitely not tickety-boo, and I realized that recently I have relaxed a little too much for my own good. I quit eating salad, I quit eating two low calorie, healthy veges every night, I quit reinforcing the idea of not eating after dinner (you do have to make these things habitual, not a one shot hit, Sue), and I started eating more carbs. Let's hear a great big loud DUH! And, how about a loud "What were you thinking"?

Not exactly tickety-boo!

175.0 Trading Addictions

I really believe that most of us if not all of us either are addicted to certain things like food, wine, etc., or activities like talking on the phone, hobbies that we can't put down, even exercise, and so on.

Over the past two and a half years I think I've traded in my food and wine addictions for some much lower calorie addictions, but addictions all the same. My iPhone has become inseparable from me. I am constantly checking my email on it or playing Scrabble on it, or on a really slow day, checking the weather in all the various places my relatives live. I take it to bed with me and when I have my bouts of insomnia, I check my email again. It's amazing what stuff I get in the middle of the night and that I read it. Most are efforts to get me to buy things. So far, my addiction hasn't included buying as a result of reading all about these very special deals.

No, none of this is perilous to my health, physical or mental, but I wonder what life would be like if/when I could be free of my dependence on my iPhone to make me feel connected and alive.

Have I always been addicted to outside forces to help me navigate life? Are we all? Maybe the word addiction is a little harsh, but you know what I mean. And, to be honest, the iPhone addiction hasn't totally usurped the place of food in my life. I will battle that addiction forever, but it is a lot easier now to just say no.

So what use do these addictions have for me in my life? Could it all be about distractions from really living, facing life, being in the thick of it, rather than eating, drinking, and... oops, gotta go check my email!

175.0 Food and Happiness

Ted at 7


My son called yesterday and was laughing about some work that he had written in school when he was about 6 or 7 years old that he had just come across as he was sifting through stuff in preparation for a yard sale. I'm so glad I saved it, and even laminated it in hopes that some day he would look back at it and smile!

He suggested that I write about this in my blog. It just about says it all when we think of how strong the connection can be between food and happiness for some of us. Here's what this adorable little guy wrote in response to the question what makes you happy: "I am happy when my mom lets me have something to eat!" And, in response to what makes you unhappy: "I'm unhappy when she doesn't!" And, by the way, I did feed him at least three times a day - I'm laughing to myself - in case you were thinking that this was some poor deprived little kid. And, yes, food still makes him very happy and he's become a wonderful chef!

Oh, and in response to what would you like to give your dad, he wrote "a corvette". His dad is still waiting! :)

174.8 Waiting....

This morning there was a guest minister at our church from Haiti. You want to talk about going from desperation to inspiration (yesterday's post)? This pastor embodied it all. What struck me as he spoke about the fact that conditions there now are not a lot better than they were right after the earthquake which was in January, that's 9 whole months ago!, he wasn't filled with bitterness or anger. But he was filled with getting the message out that help is desperately needed.

Jeff had asked me yesterday what I wanted for my upcoming birthday. I flippantly, but seriously answered diamond earrings and they needed to be at least a half a carat. A little stunned because I usually don't ask for anything so significant, he suggested I wait for our 50th wedding anniversary. I said no, I didn't want to wait.

After hearing this morning about people waiting days and weeks for medical care, waiting for water, waiting for rice and beans, waiting for more than a tent to live in, waiting for their lives to take on some sense of normalcy, I've decided I won't wait. I think contributing the money that might have been spent on diamonds to Pastor Luc and his churches and schools in Haiti is the birthday present I want to receive.

174.4 From Desperation To Inspiration

As I was thinking about what to blog about today, two words popped up. The words are desperation and inspiration.

When I finally acknowledged the desperation I was feeling about my weight (about 250 pounds - EEEK!) two and a half years ago, I knew that I had to quit living in that most favored state of Denial, and move into a new place. That new place would provide tools for weight loss as well as be a place that would provide inspiration. And as you know, I am filled with gratitude for all the help that Jennifer Scott has given me in finding myself in this new, much happier, healthier place called Awareness.

Desperation for me meant without hope, being really stuck and not seeing a way out. From that low point, I reached out for help and became inspired and filled with hope.

Out of desperation came this blog, a lot of self discovery, and change, and my hope that for others this journey may prove to be a source of inspiration.

175.2 Short and Sweet

I just returned from meeting with Jennifer and all can say is she is truly a gift in my life. I feel like she helped me pull up the shades on the windows and the light is streaming back in. Through hypnosis and her amazing wisdom and healing power, the depression has moved on, and I feel much more alive and present. Thanks, Jennifer.

Jeff and I are off to see the movie The Town. It's our old town, Boston, and it's supposed to be a great movie.

Hope you are having a great day, too.

175.4 What The Hell Is Going On?

Every so often during the ESL class, I teach the students some idioms. Rather than thinking they are too superficial or difficult to learn, they really like to learn about them. One of the idioms we talked about today was "all hell broke loose". After we finished with that one, the student from Burma/Myanmar asked me what "what the hell is going on" means. She said that she hears the women at her gym say that all the time.

Well, I just had to laugh out loud because that is exactly what I said to myself when I got on the scale this morning. Of course, I don't always know why my weight jumps around, but late last night there was some emotional eating going on so that may be one reason why my weight popped up. And I now have to deal with it and move on. Hmmm...5 pounds, so close and yet so far. I think that's an idiom, too.

174.6 Among Other Things, It's About Time!

My friend Loretta just left to return to her home a couple hours north of here. Since she's also lost a lot of weight we had several conversations about how we each lost weight, what we ate, etc. Her approach was in some ways much more dramatic than mine, with many more rules. She didn't eat sugar, she cut way back on salt, and she exercised several hours every day. I ate a lot less than I used to but was into more variety and not depriving myself of too many things, as along as what I ate was healthful. And, because of my back issues, I didn't exercise as much everyday as she did.

One thing we both did was to quit drinking. We were laughing about all the wine we used to drink together before we came to our senses and decided that was not going to be possible for us to continue to do if we were serious about weight loss.

In the end, we both agreed that there are lots of ways to lose weight, and what works for one person may not work for another. We also both acknowledged that what we had going for both of us was time because we are both retired and our time is our own to organize. And, we both really wanted to change. Loretta, I'm gonna miss you.

174.4 Unstuck!

You know, I have no idea why my weight finally dropped like it did! Well, I really do have an idea.... Let's call it "sticktoittiveness". That word looks really strange spelled out, but I know I have heard it so am declaring that it is indeed a word.

Anyway, yesterday and the day before were very typical food and exercise days for me, so who knows. Maybe I'm right that it is just the cumulative effect of making good food and exercise decisions over time, and my body finally gave in and decided that it was ready to let a little more weight go!

So, today I celebrated! No, I didn't go to Costco to get a chocolate nut covered ice cream bar. I went to the gym and did the elliptical and lifted weights, and then set up a plan to work with a personal trainer! I'm thinking about my life after reaching my weight loss goal (only 4 1/2 more pounds), and I know that exercise will be at least as important to me then as it is now.

A short update on my voice work - during the two sessions, I became aware of how tense all the muscles in my neck, shoulders and diaphragm areas were, and through the Feldenkrais Method a lot of release of that tension in those areas was achieved. I could literally feel each shoulder drop down on the table as this was occurring. Also, a couple of people have mentioned to me over the phone that my voice sounds less quavery. We'll see if there are some other changes going forward. Stay tuned!

176.6 Oh, The Pain! Oh, The Wonder! Oh, The Joy!

We have a house guest and we went shopping, and I totally forgot about my blog! I have yet to do that, to wake up one morning and say, oops! I never wrote a post. I'm very glad that didn't happen today.

As you can see, I'm still stuck. I think it's a little odd that I can't lose or even gain .1 or .2 tenths of a pound. Maybe tomorrow?

It was a great day at Chico's. My friend has also lost a lot of weight and was complaining that there was just nothing in a size 1! When she started losing she was wearing size 3, and I couldn't begin to wear Chico's clothes because there was no way I could even think about fitting into a size 3! We laughed that we were quite a pair, complaining that they just didn't have anything in the smaller sizes. Oh the pain! Oh, the wonder! Oh, the joy!

176.6 Stuck In The Mud

I'm not sure why that title came into my mind as I typed in my weight for today. Well, of course I know why, because I am definitely stuck. But usually I title these posts after I write them. Do I have anymore to say about being stuck? Let's see.

I've been here before, not at this weight but definitely stuck. I go through all sorts of mind games when I get stuck, telling myself that this is where my weight is meant to be, I need to up the exercise, I need to cut back on the food, I need to eat different food, do different exercise, etc.... I've written these things so many times I think I could write a song about being stuck. Don't worry, I won't.

But you know, when I keep at it and don't give up, I always start losing again. I remember when I hit the 200 pound mark and several friends thought I looked great and suggested it was time to quit. What if I had given in? I'd still be lugging over 24 more pounds everywhere I went. Now that's a gruesome thought!

And this morning when I picked up Jeff at the airport (yes, thank goodness he is home again!), he said I looked like I had lost more weight. When I said no, I hadn't, he said it sure looked like I had. So there you go. I'm hangin' in there for the short haul. It is so close! No slip slidin' away!