176.8 Now That's Better

And, my mood is better, even though it is a gray, rainy day here. I watched every mouthful yesterday and drank lots of water and feel much better today. One thing I certainly know is that eating out is a killer because of all of the hidden salt. In one of the places we stayed near Canyon de Chelly our restaurant choices were Burger King, 5 stars, and the Holiday Inn restaurant, 2 stars. There was no really good choice!

I met Jennifer at the Paradise Bakery this morning and she challenged me to think about what my purpose here on earth is all about, why do I think I am here. I think it is a good question for all of us to think about no matter what our age, and I don't have a quick answer. I do think my gifts, if I have any, are that of being a teacher and a mom! And, I think I can be effective as a teacher and a mom as long as I am here. But what am I going to teach? I will certainly continue teaching ESL, and there's no reason why I can't reach out and help others lose weight. I do know all about ups and downs and what works and what doesn't work when it comes to weight loss. I'm going to continue thinking about Jennifer's question and listen to my inner spirit to help me figure out more about my purpose.

174.6 This Blog

It's funny how loyal I have been to this blog. Unless I am traveling, I rarely take a day off, and rarely want to. Well, on the days when my weight is up, I do wish I had never agreed with myself to post my weight, but this keeps me honest so it is good for me to put it out there.

So why am I loyal and what do I get from writing it? It's all about me. I have a joke going among some of my friends that it's always about me. This makes me smile because I was raised to, among other things, never talk about myself. So being able to freely chat about myself and my life has been a real trip for me. Does it matter to anyone else? I doubt it. When I started I was hoping that as I lost the weight, it might inspire others to join me on this adventure. I can think of a few folks that I think have found some inspiration to do that, but not the number that I thought this blog might attract. So once again, it is all about me.:)

What have I learned? The really unexpected and wonderful gift that writing everyday has presented to me is being so much more aware of all aspects of my life - interactions with friends, the beauty of the area, the part that my inner spirit now plays in my life, the ups and downs of my emotions as I face life everyday, and of course, the underlying excitement that still fills me when I see an unexpected reflection of this thinner person and realize it is ME! Knowing I want to write something everyday puts me on alert for something special that may play out in my life on any given day.

I'm toying with the idea of moving the emphasis from Susan's Losin' to Susan's Livin'. I'll let you know if I make that change, but first I have to figure out if and how I can do that and not lose the thread of all of these posts. I think moving on will be a good thing.

173.2 Little Things + Joy

I know this is really odd, but that shouldn’t surprise any of my readers☺. As I told Jeff after trying on my latest purchase, I am filled with joy because I can wear clothes that I can buy at Costco! Yes, I do shop at much more high end stores, but there is something about getting a great buy at Costco that looks good and fits well that excites me. Is that like being a cheap date? Whatever! It’s a real spirit lifter for me as is the fact my weight is continuing to slowly drop back to my new normal of 170!

Hope you are having a great weekend. It's gray, dark and gloomy here which means I have to work a little harder than usual to stay emotionally up! Maybe it's time for a nap? :)

172.2 Be Careful What You Ask For!

Today was another wonderful day at my ESL class. Often as I am driving the half hour to get there I will turn to my inner spirit and ask for help to make it a good class. This morning I asked for energy and enthusiasm as I worked with the students.

I thought I was asking for that energy and enthusiasm for myself, but I wasn't specific in my request. For two hours, I had the liveliest, most energy filled, enthusiastic group of students I've taught in a long time. It was fun, it was challenging, it was great, but never have I had a class so on fire, so full of questions, and so talkative. It was fun, but totally exhausting. I'm sure I burned up a lot of calories just keeping up with them. I wonder if I want to be more specific in what I ask for next week. Probably not! Today was great!

171.0 Going Inward

I've written about my inner voice, that inner spirit that I have learned to call on whenever I need support, information, comfort. After writing yesterday's post about whether I need to lose more weight, this is what I learned by going inward and asking for help.

Stay present in your life, stay aware of what and how much you are eating, and most importantly keep up the exercise. Exercise builds a framework for your everyday life and will trigger all of the good habits that you have developed. Let your body decide what weight it wants to be and it will find a way to make that a reality. For good health, you don't need to lose more weight but you do need keep up the exercise and take good care of yourself. Love your body most of all.

There's not much to add to that except that I feel gratitude for this help. Now let's see what happens.

170.2 Almost There!

This morning when I woke up I had a new image floating around in my wonderful:) mind, of me closing the door on the past, the weight issues, all the stuff that I have been working through as I head into my future. I know I've still got to sweep out the corners and crevices before I can shut the door for good, but I like that image. And as I close that door, I'll be embarking on a totally new adventure. I wonder where it will take me. I've learned a lot on this adventure, so I know I am ready for the next.

But wait a minute, Sue, not so fast. I don't think I'll close that door, after all. That past is full of so many memories, of highs and lows, of losing and then regaining and losing again, and of loads of challenges, and changes that I made in my attitudes and habits. It's full of experiences with hypnosis, with learning to listen to my inner spirit, of imaging a new way of life, a new me, that has become a reality for me, thanks to Jennifer Scott. These past couple of years have been really exciting in so many ways, so I'm sweeping and cleaning and tying things together, but I'll leave that door wide open.

171.8 Challenges

Teaching my ESL class has been another great adventure for me. Recently, I have found myself asking that inner spirit to be with me as I teach. I plan every lesson so am always prepared, but as I approach the college, I ask for a little boost from that wonderful power within. And this year has been amazing because a lot of things have happened during the class that I never planned. About four weeks ago, "out of the blue" but really from within, the idea of having each student set up a challenge each week for themselves presented itself. And then during the next class they each tell about their challenge and how/whether they succeeded in meeting it. Some of the challenges have involved losing weight, increasing exercise, passing the written portion of the driving test, spending more time on their English lessons, and baking more and more elaborate cakes!

There's a wonderful, oh, about 65 year old man from Iraq who is determined to become more proficient in English, and he tells all those he interacts with that he is doing a challenge because his teacher told him he needed to do that.:) This really makes me smile! He now goes to the barbershop alone, he visited his insurance office alone, and most recently, he took his ailing mother to her medical appointment. In the past he would have always asked someone who could speak and understand English better than he to accompany him. He is so proud of himself and it's inspiring the other students.

What's really interesting is that his reaching out also presents a challenge to those he interacts with. He told us that the doctor complimented him on his English. I like to think that all of us who speak English so readily will face the challenge of giving these folks, who are working so hard to learn English and contribute to our society, the time and patience to listen and respond positively. I personally can't imagine trying to learn a new language at this time in my life in order to get along in a totally new culture.

And, if you noticed my weight, a little turbulence has set in, so I have renewed my faith that I can do this and losing 2 pounds seems very trivial compared to what my students are achieving. My challenge is to meet my goal!

171.2 More!

There's actually more to the story than just upping the amount of water that I have been drinking. As you know, I've been working with Jennifer Scott (Clinical Hypno-Therapist) and she's taught me to listen to my inner voice, for Guidance all through this process. Recently when we were together, by tapping into our inner voices/spirits, we learned something that neither of us had thought about or talked directly about, and that is that part of my inability to lose these last 5 -10 pounds has been a fear that once I reached my goal, I will start regaining the weight, all of the weight. And, I learned that I didn't need to have that fear anymore, that I will be able to handle the success and all other challenges that life will present to me in the aftermath of this weight loss. A wave of relief swept through me as I became aware of these messages. And, I started losing the weight and drinking the water and look what happened. I do have a new confidence about reaching the goal and moving on. Now I just wonder what life has in store for me. I know I'll be up to the challenge. This is exciting!

176.6 Knowing...

My friend Barb from UCLA days called this morning. I hadn't talked to her for a couple of months. She said she had just read my post about being home alone and could tell I was lonesome. I reread that post and I never wrote that I was lonely, but Barb was right, I am lonely. We had a great, long chat, and she didn't know it when she called, but I did need a little spirit lift and she certainly provided it.

And then, when I got off the phone there was an email from Jeff who is still in Boston and a picture of me was attached. He likes to think I am the most beautiful person in the world. Did he know I needed a little boost, too?

I really believe that caring from the heart makes us do wonderful things. I wonder whose spirit I could touch with a call or email? If I listen to my spirit, I will know.

177.2 Doctor, Professor, Teacher?

This morning I put on my teaching hat and returned to Paradise Valley Community College to teach English as a Second Language after taking the summer off. I do this once a week for two hours and really love it. I am a teacher. No, I don't have my doctorate, and I am not a professor. I'm a teacher. Those of you who know me know that I also teach jewelry design and beading here in my neighborhood, you know that I just like to teach.

This morning I had 14 adults in my class, whose language skills varied as much as their homelands. I had students from Iraq, Burma, The Czech Republic, Thailand, Brazil, Columbia, Mexico, and Peru! Because I reside in Arizona, most folks think that I must be working with a majority of people from Mexico. Not so! This year I have only 1 student from Mexico, but I have 3 from Iraq. Oh, and I have 1 from Vietnam.

The student from Vietnam was very concerned about what to call me. Should she call me Doctor, Professor, or Teacher? I suggested that she call me Susan. This really threw her and she asked the question again and explained to me that out of respect she wanted to call me Doctor, Professor, or Teacher. Having this wonderful Inner Spirit working within me is so pleasing and often surprising! In response to her concern, I heard myself say that I could see respect in her eyes and feel it in my heart. Susan would be just fine.

179.2 In Nine More Pounds...

Today I went to see Jennifer. I've been working with her for a long time on lots of things including the weight loss. This morning she talked about all of the changes that have occurred since we first met about 2 1/2 years ago. You know, it's funny when you are the person making changes in your appearance, unless you are constantly looking in the mirror you don't see yourself as much as the people around you see you. Even though I'm the one who has done the work, I just don't see it as much as others do. So this morning when she said that I am 15 - 20 years younger in how I am, my vitality, I loved hearing it but it's hard for me to see. I know I have more energy and can certainly move more easily, and I definitely know there is a lot less of me :), but that much younger? Then I thought to myself, OMG, how old was I looking and acting when I first met her?

But it isn't just about the change in my appearance that we talked about this morning. My connection with this inner spirit, my inner voice, has also grown and has played into my changed attitudes. She has been encouraging me to develop this guidance more so that as I move into the maintenance period of this weight loss, I will have that inner compass to guide me, keep me conscious of what I am doing and feeling and to help me deal with all sorts of life issues in the future.

And, we talked about the future. Jennifer is working on a book about spirituality, and I have plans to develop this blog into a book, and we have all sorts of ideas of ways we can work together. So rather than thinking of this adventure as ending, in nine more pounds, new adventures will begin.

So here we go! Nine more pounds!

187.6 Asking and Receiving

In yesterday's post I mentioned using my inner spirit to help me continue this weight loss adventure. Part of this adventure and working with Jennifer Scott has been the emergence of this inner spirit within me. You can call this power whatever you are most comfortable naming it. To some it is inner voice, inner knowing, inner spirit, God, Guides ~ you can call it what you will.

Until recently I thought prayer was a one way street. By that I mean that I would bow my head and ask God for help, direction, or a blessing on me and others. It was a one way conversation in which I did all the talking. (For those who know me, this is not a surprise :)!) This is the kind of prayer that I was taught in church and I don't ever remember being told that God would talk back to me if I gave Him/Her a chance to get a word in edgewise.

Learning to use the inner voice, or my Guides as I call this phenomenon, is all about listening once the request for particular guidance has been made. And, it also involves suspending the ego so that the honesty can flow without being inhibited by the ego, dictating what we want to hear.

So how do I do this? I start with a prayer that goes like this: "Dear Guides, I come to you foregoing all ego considerations, all doubts, fears, worries and judgments so that I can receive your divine inspiration clearly and forcefully. Can you help me.............? I am open to receive." Then I take a deep breath, hold it for about 5 seconds, exhale and the message begins to flow within me. I like to do this at the computer and simply start typing what I receive without judgment or thought while writing. I know when the message has been completed because I hear the words, "We rest."

So why am I writing about this in this blog? Because I have been using Guidance to help me all during this process to help me with a wide range of issues in my life as well as weight loss.

I know this is getting really long, but I wanted to share with you what my Guides told me after I asked for help in accepting my imperfect legs and ankles:

"Your imperfections as you call them are important only to you. You wear your ego as an accessory and are so alert to real or imagined criticism or disapproval that it is constantly getting hurt. You are not your legs or your ankles or your feet. You are much more and much less. Your essence is like a light gleaming for all to see and that is the most important part of you. It has no shape, no size, nothing tangible about it. It is what it is and what you allow it to be. Understand that your discomfort with this physical aspect of yourself takes away from your spiritual being and lessens who you are. We understand that you have focused on this for much of your life and felt that it has held you back from being that other you would have wanted to be. Don't give this physical trait power. Get over it and get on with just being who you are. Getting slimmer will help to a small degree but will not really change how your legs and ankles look. The shift needs to happen in your mind, that you are okay no matter what your legs look like. You are not your legs and you never have been and you never will be. Move on and you will be happier and at peace with yourself. Achieving peace within and about who you are is key to living an authentic life and isn't that what you really want? We rest."

And, I feel that shift taking place as I am wearing shorts today and have let go of my concerns. Phew!

188.2 What's Going On?

What's going on here? The scale just sort of rocks back and forth rather slowly in the same arc of about a pound. Why doesn't it want to cooperate and go down a little farther once in a while? I don't have the answer but I am going to continue to ride the arc and see if I can't get it going downward. It does seem obvious that I must be eating too much. What used to be cutting back to half was cutting back enough to cause weight loss along with the exercise, etc. when I first started this weight loss program. Now I think I have to cut back even more. It's sort of like physical therapy. Once I master a certain level of an exercise, the physical therapist makes it more challenging, by either extending the amount of repetitions or making it more difficult by adding more weight, raising the level of the step, etc.. I guess I shouldn't expect weight loss to be any different.

To be honest, I haven't wanted to eat less because I don't like to feel hungry. But maybe I will just have to put up with a little hunger for a while until my stomach shrinks a little more. I don't intend to do anything outrageous or untenable, just cut back a little and see how it goes. Listening to my hypnosis CDs, and engaging my inner spirit to encourage me and guide me will help me stay on track. And, there's always sugar free gum when the hunger sets in and it's not time to eat a meal... and apples, and carrots, and celery, all kinds of good things that are healthy and taste great.

188.6 Thinking About God

I just got home and it's already after 9 PM. I have to admit it. I fell asleep today and slept for about 2 hours. When Jeff woke me up, I did my pool workout, and then we joined our special group of friends with whom we talk about things religious/spiritual. Tonight was really interesting as we each described how we thought about God. As you can imagine, there were as many views of God as individuals gathered.

Which brings me to this: I have relied on God, my inner voice, my inner spirit to help support me throughout this weight loss journey. Almost every day I take time to tune out everything else and listen to that comforting, loving, encouraging voice that tells me I can do this, I want to do this, and I am succeeding. I am so grateful for this support.

191.4 Night Hunger Revisited

Boring! I am reaching the nudgey stage since I have been at this weight for the last 4 days. You'd think it would vary by at least 2 ounces. (That is the interval my scale is calibrated on.) I'm wondering if I will ever lose another pound. I know I will, but when? :) I'm ready now!

I don't know if any of you have this problem, but the hardest time during the day, everyday, that I have around food issues is about an hour or two after I finish dinner. It doesn't seem to matter what I have for dinner. I get really hungry. If I give into the hunger I feel like have have blown the whole day of being on track with everything. I've tried the gum chewing routine, which works sometimes, but not always, and then I wake up during the night feeling hungry. I often eat an apple, but sometimes I just go nuts and eat nuts, or peanut butter unconsciously or by becoming delusional and telling myself it is okay. And then I get really mad at myself for "falling off the wagon". I think this is basically a bad habit. I need to listen to my inner spirit for encouragement and just not eat anything after dinner for a couple of weeks and let this night hunger lose its hold on me.

192.0 A Bad Night and a Difficult Day

Today started out to be a very difficult day. My weight has continued to go up and I know why. Last night I totally lost my focus and ate unconsciously and out of control. That really hasn't happened like this in a long time and it bothered the heck out of me that I did it.

This morning when I got on the scale I was filled with anger and disgust at myself about what I did last night. How could I have done that? #*#! happens and it sure happened last night. The good news is that I have been very upset and uncomfortable with the fact I over ate to the extent I did last night. I am determined that this is not going to become a pattern that I can ignore. I am fighting back.

So today I was able to start turning things around, and I spent some time repairing my spirit along with getting back on track. It was made a little more difficult because we went to a dinner party at the home of some dear friends. The hosts didn't know about my experience over the past 24 hours. They were hosting out of town guests who helped them prepare and serve an elegant, delicious meal with lots of healthy options so I enjoyed every bite. It worked out very well and we had a great time.

I'm fessing up because this blog is worthless if I'm not honest about what really is going on with me as I continue to face this challenge that I have given myself of losing 80 pounds. As I have said in earlier posts, it is definitely not an even slide down those numbers on the scale. So I'm back to staying aware of every bite, back to exercise, back to working on being filled with gratitude for my life.

190.0 Congratulations, Allison!

Today I walked into the Resource Center at Paradise Valley Community College where I tutor ESL once a week. I hadn't been able to be there for a couple of weeks and was looking forward to seeing my students. What I wasn't expecting was the reception I received from one of the gals who works there. Allison had asked me the last time I was there how I had lost the weight. I told her that it was basically eating about half of what I used to eat, exercise, hypnosis, and staying connected to my inner spirit. Then I told her about writing this blog and sent her the blog address later that day.

When I walked in this morning, she jumped up from her chair, told me with great delight that she had lost 10 pounds since I had last seen her, and that she is so happy. She said that she has been reading the blog and how much it has helped her. She is struggling with diabetes now and is determined to fight it with weight loss. She said that she decided she was not going to let diabetes be a part of her life from now on.

Obviously, I am thrilled by her success. And, I am so glad that the information in the blog has helped her make the changes that are leading to her success. She laughed and said that what I've written about in the blog are things that she can relate to. For example, she still whines about wine! (See 8/19/09.)

I hope there are lots of readers who are finding inspiration and information through this blog to help them change. That has been one of my goals in writing this since the beginning. So congratulations, Allison! You are on your way, and you made my day!

188.8 Exercise AND Eating Less

Since I have been feeling so bad, I haven't been exercising... and I've lost about 2 pounds! I have been listening and reading about that study that claims to show that women can't lose weight just by exercising, and, in fact, need to exercise an hour a day just to prevent weight gain.

From my vast experience :) with all sorts of diets and exercise regimes, I have come to understand that you can't lose weight unless you eat less. This program that has enabled me to lose... are you ready?, 58 pounds, is all about eating about half less than you usually would, and building in exercise to help speed up your metabolism. When I used to exercise in my 30's and 40's, I always felt hungrier than ever after the exercise, and found that treating myself to something really yummy (read fat and sugar) was how I motivated myself to keep it up. What I didn't value at that time is that exercise is really all about getting healthier. Oh, and I didn't lose any weight!

If I go back and take a look at my weight loss history over the past couple of years, combining exercise with eating less shows a huge correlation. Without exercise (due to pain and back issues that pretty much prevented all exercise except water therapy), I lost 10 pounds. Just about a year ago, after a less invasive back surgery, I was able to start walking and I got in the habit of walking 4-5 days a weeks for 20 - 30 minutes, in addition to the water therapy, and I have lost 48 pounds since then. OMG, as I write this, it is just plain hard to believe!

Where did I get the support and courage to keep at this day after day? Jennifer Scott's encouragement and teachings about viewing life in a totally new way, listening to my inner spirit, along with using hypnosis, including self hypnosis, all played into it. Making a big change in my life has involved many factors, not just one. I think my success is a reflection of that.

194.4 You Blew It, Sue

And I know why I blew it! Looking back it is so clear. I didn't take the time to check in with that wonderful inner spirit to ask for help in dealing with the food temptations that I knew would face me at our gathering of dear friends that we designed as a potluck supper. I thought I did okay with most of it so that I wasn't too alarmed.

But after our friends left, I had this huge nagging hunger and then I gave in to it. I ate and before I knew it I had downed about 2 - 3 cups of popcorn, at least 2 tablespoons of peanut butter, and a handful of raspberries. Again, I didn't go binge on favorites, but I just ate like there was no tomorrow. (Obviously I was wrong about that since this is tomorrow!) I think the cheese and crackers, the glass of wine, and the cake with fresh berries and whipped cream, and the slice of bread and the lasagna all played into triggering that hunger. The carbs really do a job on me.

Looking back I could have eaten much smaller portions, foregone the wine, ignored the bread, had more salad, had the berries without any cake or whipped cream and still had a great time. But I just didn't get with the program before our guests arrived. And, we supplied the lasagna and bread. I knew that I had to deal with that ahead of time. But I didn't. So, back to the drawing board, back to no carbs except fruit at night, and embracing that inner voice that so wants me to succeed.

194.2 Moving Into That Space

I love writing this blog and I love the comments. Kathleen always keeps me grounded, the voice of reality and experience. She works hard to keep her health, exercise, and weight all under control while raising her three little boys. And, Prill, my sister, usually makes me smile with her comments. If you didn't see either, look at the bottom of yesterday's blog. I love the yabuts! Both comments ring so true and I really appreciated getting them.

But, I hope everyone will try to move into that space where the hard work and yabuts fade away and that positive voice can be heard. When I am on the elliptical and don't think I can go another "glide", if I hook up with that inner spirit it is as if I can go forever, for a while :). It's amazing!