178.0 The Carb Issue

This is not news to anyone, but the awareness of it in my everyday life is news. Carbs are not good for me! I had pretty much cut out carbs except for fruit at night, but slipped hard off the wagon while we were in Boston. Please don't ask why because I don't have a rational answer. But since returning home, I have pretty much cut out all carbs after breakfast when I usually have about a half cup of healthy dry cereal with fruit and yogurt.

Something I also became aware of is that when I was eating more carbs, I had more problems with my legs and ankles swelling. (Remember my cankles when I was much heavier?) So I'm still living (thank goodness) and learning (thank goodness)! And so it goes!

176.4 If I Could, I Would

Sometimes I wonder just what I am thinking, or how is it that I don't bother to think at all! Yesterday I ate very sensibly, healthily, with all good intentions of getting my weight back into the very low 170 pound range. Then I decided that going to P. F. Chang's for dinner sounded like a great idea. But you can't go there and not eat food that contains sodium, no matter what you order. And high sodium for me means weight gain. What's really funny/pathetic is that the guy sitting next to me at the bar ordered soup (loaded with sodium) and then poured about half a bottle of soy sauce into it. And then he ordered a thick saucy dish on which he poured the remaining soy sauce. As I'm watching this, I'm thinking to myself that he's killing himself with all the salt/sodium! I wanted to nicely tell him that, but in my wisdumb didn't say a word :). And now Miss Goody Two Shoes is up two pounds after eating what I thought was "controlled":) sodium.

If I could cry, I would cry at this weight gain. What was I thinking?

174.4 Could It Be? The Peanut Butter Saga

So I am feeling like I am back in charge. I don't know who was in charge as my weight crept up, but I think that that's what unconscious eating is all about. This morning it dawned on me that yesterday was the first day in a long time that I managed to not eat any peanut butter. So you are thinking what was she doing eating peanut butter?! Well, I thought I could eat it on my Ezekiel bread toast for breakfast in the morning. And I could do that if that had been the only time during the day I ate peanut butter. But, I started spreading it a little thicker and a little thicker over time. And then it turned into a very delicious snack to eat in the late afternoon when I began to feel hungry, and/or just before bed, and since I wasn't eating it on anything, I could eat more of it. Well I can't!

So, now I am going to try to be more aware of other foods where the unconscious eating mode has taken over. This maintenance world is tricky, a lot trickier than the losing phase because options become greater in number and in amount. Maybe I should have joined the circus. Balancing on a tightrope seems easier than figuring all of this out.

174.8 Comments on Comments

Even though I don't often comment on comments that I get from readers, but I do want to say that I love getting comments. When I blog, I am writing to individuals in my mind, people I know who read my blog, and I'm writing to all those potential readers who may stumble onto this blog about weight loss.

Yesterday I really appreciated both the comments I received. My daughter gently reminded me that I had just written about The Little Engine That Could and that I should remember the phrase, "I think I can, I think I can". Since she was raised on that story, it made me feel great that it had resonated with her and her pointing out the fact that I had written about determination really hit home. And my sister Priscilla also wrote to encourage me. She's done so well managing the maintenance piece of weight loss over many, many years and her corroboration that this is a continual undertaking helps me put it in to perspective and to get on with it.

So I'm back at it, will keep at it, and know that there is no other option for me but to stay aware, weigh myself everyday, and eat wisely and with consciousness. Onward and downward!

171.0 Going Inward

I've written about my inner voice, that inner spirit that I have learned to call on whenever I need support, information, comfort. After writing yesterday's post about whether I need to lose more weight, this is what I learned by going inward and asking for help.

Stay present in your life, stay aware of what and how much you are eating, and most importantly keep up the exercise. Exercise builds a framework for your everyday life and will trigger all of the good habits that you have developed. Let your body decide what weight it wants to be and it will find a way to make that a reality. For good health, you don't need to lose more weight but you do need keep up the exercise and take good care of yourself. Love your body most of all.

There's not much to add to that except that I feel gratitude for this help. Now let's see what happens.

174.6 Hide And Seek

Recently Jennifer asked me about how it felt to be as heavy as I was when I first met her. (The picture on the left was taken within the week following that first appointment.) For someone like Jennifer, who has never been heavy, it was and still is hard to imagine that I could tolerate it, live with it, be okay with those 80 pounds. What did it physically feel like to have such heavy thighs, take up so much space in a chair, to just be moving around? After giving it some thought, I could honestly say that I just didn't think about it most of the time. Weight gain usually occurs slowly, over time, so that you just adapt. I remember making so many excuses about my clothes not fitting well. They shrunk, it was about my posture due to my back, I could still wear them but I'd look a little better in the next size up, and when I went shopping (in the plus size section) they just weren't making whatever size as large as they used to. Oh yeah, the cut of the jeans must be different so I needed to go up a size.

When did I really feel, experience those OMG moments of how big I was? I think it was when I was out with other people, in their homes when the only chair that was available looked like it would crumble if I sat in it. Or, when I was trying to get comfortable in an airplane seat and praying that I didn't have to ask for a seat belt extension - thinking there was just no reason why they couldn't cut a little slack in the length of the seat belts. Why were they so short? And, when I went shopping... Oh, the pain of reality! And when I shopped I bought a lot of things so I wouldn't have to go shopping for a long time and face that music again.

But I had something going for me to ease, to numb everything, and it was a big thing - my back. I could blame it all on my back. I needed a chair with better support because of my back, not because I was going to destroy the chair if I sat on it. My body was changing because of my back and I couldn't exercise and on, and on, so no wonder my clothes didn't fit. Yes, I did have back problems, but the weight was exacerbating those problems if not the original cause of the back problems, so I got myself into a vicious cycle, or is it circle, or maybe both? But that's where I was, spiraling around the obvious.

So how did I get conscious, aware, desirous of seeking to make this huge change in my life? I think the answer is that I couldn't hide from me anymore. The lid came off Pandora's box and I was faced with me trapped in this unhealthy, fat body, looking for a way to get out. I didn't want to be poor old grandma with her bad back, always saying I couldn't do things because I couldn't move easily. I wanted to make all the changes I could to give myself a chance to be fully engaged in life.

Can I give this consciousness, this awareness, this desire to others to help them change? I simply don't know, but I would love to be able to.

176.2 (yay!) Charlee's Been Hypnotized!

Last night we had a group of friends over for dinner and I asked the gal who had brought a lovely platter of brie, fresh fruit and crackers to put it on our coffee table. She was a little concerned that Charlee might get into it, but I assured her that Charlee would leave it alone and never thought any more about it.

That was last night. This morning I came into my office and was settling down to do my self hypnosis when I looked down and saw this gross looking object in the little cubby where Charlee spends a lot of time. I couldn't fathom what this object was until I reached down to pick it up and realized it was what was left of the brie from last night. Horrified, I scolded Charlee and then suddenly burst out laughing realizing that she had obviously been listening to my morning self hypnosis sessions where I always talk out loud about eating only half, about listening to my body and stopping when I've had enough, etc. This little dog is better at regulating how much she eats than most humans and dogs. Don't dogs usually eat all the goodies that come their way all at once?

So Charlee, good for you. Yes, I've let her out several times this morning and then have to remind her that cheese binds :) as she struggles to relieve herself. Just so it all happens outside, my dear little hypnotized dog! Maybe we could work on some dog behaviors now, Charlee and me.

179.2 In Nine More Pounds...

Today I went to see Jennifer. I've been working with her for a long time on lots of things including the weight loss. This morning she talked about all of the changes that have occurred since we first met about 2 1/2 years ago. You know, it's funny when you are the person making changes in your appearance, unless you are constantly looking in the mirror you don't see yourself as much as the people around you see you. Even though I'm the one who has done the work, I just don't see it as much as others do. So this morning when she said that I am 15 - 20 years younger in how I am, my vitality, I loved hearing it but it's hard for me to see. I know I have more energy and can certainly move more easily, and I definitely know there is a lot less of me :), but that much younger? Then I thought to myself, OMG, how old was I looking and acting when I first met her?

But it isn't just about the change in my appearance that we talked about this morning. My connection with this inner spirit, my inner voice, has also grown and has played into my changed attitudes. She has been encouraging me to develop this guidance more so that as I move into the maintenance period of this weight loss, I will have that inner compass to guide me, keep me conscious of what I am doing and feeling and to help me deal with all sorts of life issues in the future.

And, we talked about the future. Jennifer is working on a book about spirituality, and I have plans to develop this blog into a book, and we have all sorts of ideas of ways we can work together. So rather than thinking of this adventure as ending, in nine more pounds, new adventures will begin.

So here we go! Nine more pounds!

178.5 Becoming Aware of Awareness!

I don't know if it is just me and my amazing brain or if it takes everyone as long as it has taken me to change habits related to eating and drinking. Just the other night something happened and it dawned on me how easy it is to slip into old behaviors. We were at a restaurant and I had a sip of Miranda's wine. I then gave the glass back to her and didn't think about having any more. But we were taking pictures and her glass which had about 1 1/2 ounces in it got moved by me and all of a sudden I realized I was reaching for it with the intention of finishing it off. I didn't even get it to my lips before I caught myself in the act and handed it back to her. It wasn't a big deal except that it reminded me of how totally unconscious I think most of my eating and drinking had been for many, many years.

Today I had breakfast with a great friend whom I've known for about 35 years. I hadn't seen her in a year so it was fun to see her double-take when I joined her at the restaurant this morning. Later I was with Jeff and Miranda and we were talking about what we were going to order for lunch and it was as if a loud gong went off in my head. I became aware that I was not the least bit hungry and didn't want to or need to order anything. Well, I did order a glass of iced tea and it was perfect. This awareness piece isn't easy to develop, but is so powerful once it takes the place of the compulsive, unthinking behavior. I think I've finally got it!

184.0 Kudos to Kathleen!

As you know, on the right side of my posts I list other websites and information for you to check out if you are interested. One of the sites is entitled Among The Savages and it is written by a very dear friend of mine who my daughter Miranda met while they were both attending Colby College. Kathleen just posted on her blog that she has finally reached her goal weight that puts her back where she was before she gave birth to her youngest son. Congratulations, Kathleen!

Kathleen has been one of my cheerleaders since I've been on this weight loss adventure, while trekking along on her own weight loss adventure. In her post today, she let on that she is disappointed that her figure is not the same as it was when she weighed the same amount in the past. Since I am 67, I've never dreamed my figure would be similar to when I weighed a lot less many years ago. Age does give us a little different perspective :), and although having a lovely figure is a blessing, being healthy and strong, agile and flexible are the real gifts of losing weight and exercising. She will have to continue her exercise and awareness about food forever if she wants to maintain her new weight, but having the knowledge that she achieved her goal will certainly give the confidence and will to continue so that she can maintain her goal weight! You did it, Kathleen, and I am going to do it, too!

185.4 A New Look at Books!

I have just added something new to this blog, a way for you to go directly from the post to learn more about books that I mention.

Recently I wrote about Geneen Roth's book entitled Women, Food, and God. Several of you have bought this book and from what I'm learning, have found it to be quite fascinating and full of good ideas to think about and possibly put into practice. I know I have some new ways of thinking about food and when/what I eat since reading it.



And yesterday as I was driving through our gorgeous desert, I heard an interview on the radio about the new book Mindless Eating. So much of what I have posted in this blog has been all about being aware and eating mindfully. This sounds like a great book and I am looking forward to delving into it.



If you are interested in learning more about the books I cite in this blog, all you have to do is click on the image of the book, and Amazon.com will take it from there. And, if you have some ideas for books that you think might be helpful for the faithful on this blog, please let me know. (I am not in the business of selling books, but if you order through this blog I do get a little kickback, and obviously will appreciate it.)

Hope you are having a great weekend.

185.8 Awareness

I write a lot about awareness while I'm eating, about what I'm eating, how fast I'm eating, and how my body/hunger level is doing while I'm eating.
















This morning, I got caught being extremely unaware. No, not about food, but about my surroundings. Living here in the desert has caused me to be much more alert to where I am in space when I am near the many cactus plantings in our yard, or when I go walking. Since balance is one of my issues, I have to be careful not to lose it while walking by one of the beautiful or not so beautiful cacti that seem to be every where out here.

As I was finishing dead-heading a large geranium plant I backed right into this cactus! Suddenly I was very aware of that plant and very aware that I had been stabbed in my arm. One thing I didn't know until recently is that you can get terrible infections if a cactus needle breaks the skin. Oh, it did break the skin and that area is now covered with antibiotic ointment.

So, I have a new respect for awareness! (Sometimes I wish there was an ointment I could apply when my food/eating awareness gets away from me!)

187.0 YAY!

A very welcome Mother's Day present showed up today on the scale! Finally, another all time low!

Hope you are all having a wonderful day whether you are a mom or not. We mothers all have needed and appreciated the support from all of those who have helped us raise and care for our children. Happy Mother's Day to all.

188.2 Instant Gratification Leading to Long Term Regret

I just received an email from one of my readers with whom I am working on her weight loss. She wrote that she was really mad at herself because in a moment of being angry about a very poorly done repair job on the deck of her home, she ate strawberry shortcake, a lot of strawberry shortcake.

My thought is that what is really at work here is the good old instant gratification impulse that leads to long term regret, especially if the pattern becomes habitual. Part of what I write about frequently is awareness, and if we can plug in that awareness so that there is always a good strong connection, we can stop ourselves before we start to give into that detrimental instant gratification behavior. Here's an idea that might work ~ if you can link anger, sadness, all those emotions that yearn for instant gratification to make us feel better, with walking, or gardening, or shopping, or something you really enjoy doing, you'll begin to break that old pattern.

And, since you probably won't make a perfect transition to your new connection, be kind to yourself and then reaffirm what you intend to do the next time you're feeling bad. Does this make sense?

192.0 Feeling Good Again!

First of all, I want to congratulate Jennifer Scott who has been so instrumental in helping me lose this weight. She is cited in this week's issue of Time Magazine that came out today. She is well known for her self hypnosis program for golfers (Own The Zone) and was quoted in an article about Tiger's return to golf as he competes in the Masters this week. I'm delighted that she's received this recognition. Her website is listed on the right.

Wow! It is so nice to feel good again. My energy is back and although my nose is still running like crazy, I'm not feeling like I am functioning underwater like I did for the past 3 weeks.

And, today I walked about two and a half miles, one of the longest walks I have done. It felt great except when we were walking up hill which was about a third of the time. My legs didn't like the long walk but my back held up just fine! As a precaution, before heading to the massage therapist, I took two extra strength Tylenol. I do that before I go to the dentist, too. It takes the edge off the impending pain.

So, I haven't lost any weight recently, but I am so grateful that I haven't gained anymore. What goes up will come down and now I am in the very patiently aware mode. Oh, I should add that the walk this morning was so beautiful. Flowers are blooming everywhere and are especially prolific due to all of the rain we've had. I think that's called the silver lining to the rain clouds that were so prevalent this winter.

191.0 Too Much Information!

I love Paul Simon. I saw Paul Simon live about three years ago in Boston and it was amazing. Now to be honest, maybe it was the marijuana in the air that made it so amazing. I have never done marijuana but it was in the atmosphere. One of our friends who was with us had enough experience with the substance to know that it was in the air. Anyway, one of my favorite songs that he sings has been floating around in my mind a lot lately. It's about being soft in the middle. (You Can Call Me Al.)

Maybe this is too much information, but I am definitely too soft in the middle. So I went back to my new physical therapist yesterday, and if she has her way I won't be too soft in the middle for much longer! You know, doing the elliptical for 30 minutes, being able to walk for an hour put me in the delusional state that I was very strong, physically. I guess I'm not! But now I have some direction to start getting stronger. If I am going to try to play golf again, I simply can't be soft in the middle!

About the uptick in my weight, since this is a weight loss blog, well what can I say. My appetite has definitely returned after feeling sick for so long and I have to get back in my routine using all my props ~ eating less, exercise, and staying aware of each and every thing I eat and why I am eating it.

194.0 Experimenting and Learning

I met with my jewelry making group this morning. It was a very small group this morning but it's always so interesting to see what others are making and how they put combinations together. The differences in taste, the fun of getting to know new people, and to see what they do really makes the class enjoyable for me.

While I'm with them I realize how different we all are and yet how strong the creative spirit is within each of us. When I ask folks if they'd like to join the class, I hear that they wouldn't know where to begin, that they don't have design talent, that they can't draw and therefore aren't artistic. The truth of the the matter is that there is hardly a right way. If I gave the same elements to 5 people, my hunch is none of them would combine them in exactly the same way. The bottom line is that with a little trial and error if it pleases you isn't that all that matters? I can't draw and I have never had art training, but I just keep trying until I get it the way I like it.

I think long term weight loss is a little like that. You have to use all sorts of elements in various combinations that feel right for you and in the end you have to like what you are doing and believe in it. When I started this I had no idea how all of the elements would work for me, and I have done a lot of experimenting and trying new and old things to help me get this weight off. I'm still learning, still trying new and different things (eating salad for breakfast :) ), and returning to some old, familiar tools (keeping a log of everything I eat). But the basics will always be there and knowing that with awareness and being engaged with the process I'll continue to lose is what keeps me going.

195.6 Need A Good Cry

Did you see how that weight popped up again? I don't know why I am pointing it out, but I'm mad, which is always better than sad and eating to assuage the pain. It just seems so odd that I can lose, let's see 247 - 195= 52 pounds, but I can't seem to lose anymore. I've tried all kinds of food, exercise regimes, hypnosis, and awareness techniques and I just can't seem to keep moving downward on the scale. If I hadn't just bought a new scale, I would probably try that too.

So, I'm working on emotional stuff, again. I haven't really talked about this, but I don't cry. I can get good and angry (just ask Jeff), but tears are hard to come by. I'd think without wine and food to numb out with, I might have some tears, but I don't. I wasn't always like this, but as I was growing up, being brave, being tough was much more highly valued that showing emotion. So, I'll keep working on things and one of these days, that number will start down in earnest.

I'm wondering if there are others who are reading the blog and are heavy, who share this characteristic of not shedding tears. I've joked that I have dry eye. I guess it's not really very funny.

Mamma Mia, Here I Go Again!

Remember when I used to write about singing with Willie Nelson as I walked? That does seem like a long time ago. Call me fickle if you must, but I have a new favorite - the soundtrack from Mamma Mia. Today I was in luck. I went to our community center workout room and no one was there! I had the room to myself. So I put the Olympics on the TV and pumped up my Mamma Mia music on my iphone, put my little ear phones in and off I went on the elliptical, singing in full voice! It was more fun, the time, 25 + minutes, flew and it was just great.

How are things going? I was in a big hurry this morning to get out of the house so didn't think much about not weighing myself. I probably ate too much for breakfast, two pieces of Ezekiel toast instead of just one. But I have a new way to eat it. I put light cream cheese on it with fresh berries and that's about half the fat and calories of peanut butter, which is what I used to eat on toast. I didn't get hungry until about 2 and then I had an orange and my favorite flatbread that is low in calories, high in fiber and tastes great. Tonight we are going out again and I am going to rely on my inner spirit and awareness so I don't over eat. I already know what I will order so that "dance" is over.

Today I taught my ESL class and it was quite touching. At a student's request, we spent a lot of time talking and thinking about how you say you are sorry if a friend is troubled. Sometimes you can plan all you want, and then something you never have thought of becomes very important. Life is often very unpredictable! I think that is good!

196.0 A Weight Loss Adventure

What if I develop a salad addiction, having to have one first thing in the morning? I was really looking forward to it as I got up today. I did add about 1/2 cup of kidney beans instead of only 10 which is what I did yesterday. And, I didn't eat anything else until about 2:30 when I was offered a very thin slice of chicken from the deli lady at the local grocery store.

But last night I was ravenous. I don't know what to blame it on and it probably doesn't matter in the overall scheme of things, but I just couldn't get rid of that feeling of gnawing hunger. So I ate oranges, bread, oh I am being so honest here, peanut butter, and I drank a lot of water, but it was "harsh" as my grandson Alex likes to say about anything uncomfortable.

So I am shaking up the regime. You won't see my weight posted next to the title for about a week, which means I won't be weighing every day. It's funny. I fought against that in the beginning and now I am having a hard time giving it up. But instead of focusing on numbers, I am going to focus on eating smaller portions, writing everything down, and listening to my body as I eat each meal. And, getting back into the habit of hypnosis everyday. I guess I did choose a good name for this blog! It is turning into quite an adventure!