183.2 It's Simple But It's Not Easy

You know how on some days, disparate things come together? On Friday I attended a discussion at Paradise Valley Community College on using non-judgmental language in the classroom, and then I had a great phone conversation with Jennifer Scott. I hadn't expected the two events to have anything to do with each other, but they surely did.

During the non-judgmental discussion, the leader, a math prof and former therapist, talked about how she never tells her students that something is easy, because if they don't get it and she's said it is easy, it invites them to think that they are stupid. (The community college population is very different from that of a traditional four year institution. Often the students were not on a college track in high school, or they may be older and are trying to enter a college setting after being out of school for a while. In other words, confidence is usually not a strong suit for these students.) So she tells them that a concept is simple but it is not easy. She had many more great things to share with us, but this is the one that struck me as I was talking to Jennifer later that afternoon.

We were talking about the challenge that I'm facing in terms of maintenance and what she responded with is very simple, but for me it has not been easy. Exercise and consciousness...she repeated those two words several times during our conversation and the big click occurred when I realized that it is simple, but it is not easy. I love it when things like that occur because it is validation that I get it.

I wish I had had this insight when I was raising my children, this knowledge about how important language is on the listener's view of him or herself. Another example the discussion leader gave was to never tell someone that he or she isn't stupid. Research has shown that the person hears stupid (forget that you said not stupid) and the damage is done. One more thing she said that struck me is how special you can make a person feel if you simply say that you were thinking about them and wondered....

As you can see, I did get a lot out of this opportunity at the college. I'm so glad I went.

174.8 Comments on Comments

Even though I don't often comment on comments that I get from readers, but I do want to say that I love getting comments. When I blog, I am writing to individuals in my mind, people I know who read my blog, and I'm writing to all those potential readers who may stumble onto this blog about weight loss.

Yesterday I really appreciated both the comments I received. My daughter gently reminded me that I had just written about The Little Engine That Could and that I should remember the phrase, "I think I can, I think I can". Since she was raised on that story, it made me feel great that it had resonated with her and her pointing out the fact that I had written about determination really hit home. And my sister Priscilla also wrote to encourage me. She's done so well managing the maintenance piece of weight loss over many, many years and her corroboration that this is a continual undertaking helps me put it in to perspective and to get on with it.

So I'm back at it, will keep at it, and know that there is no other option for me but to stay aware, weigh myself everyday, and eat wisely and with consciousness. Onward and downward!

169.8 Baking Cookies But Not Eating them

I baked cookies yesterday and today. I baked them for Jennifer as part of her 75 birthday present. (She loves cookies.) I hadn't baked much of anything over the past four to five years. I used to make cookies frequently when I had a houseful of kids, but with my weight issue and not being able to stand for very long because of my back, baking was one of those things I quit doing. So I got this idea to bake three kinds of cookies and giving Jennifer exactly 75. I didn't even know if I had decent cookie sheets or cooling racks or where they were. But I found everything, headed off to the store, and started baking yesterday evening. I made Chocolate Chip Zucchini Cookies, Peanut Butter Oatmeal Lace Cookies with chocolate filling, and Russian Tea Cakes.

And, here's the thing! I ate a half of a zucchini cookie and that was that. I didn't want any more. I didn't want to "lick" the bowl, I didn't want to eat the left over melted chocolate, and I didn't even want to taste any of the batter. What I really didn't want to do was to set up that sugar craving which I have learned can be easily triggered if I eat just a small amount of something sweet. My body likes being at this weight and my spirit likes it too. All of those hypnotic suggestions about being healthy, being happy, being slender have really settled into my consciousness and don't want to be messed with!

Thanks, Jennifer, and Happy Birthday! Hope you enjoy the cookies!

171.0 Hiding Behind The Mask... No More

I've come to realize over this two and a half year long journey that among other things, I wore my fat as an accessory, or a mainstay of my wardrobe. I wore it as a mask to hide behind because I was unhappy with who I had become over the years, and unsure of who I really was.

I wonder if that is true for a lot of heavy people. I have a hunch that some people slowly put weight on with no consciousness and then wake up at a medical appointment or even shopping and think "OMG, what's happened to me?!"

In my case, I think I gave up on a lot of fronts and took refuge behind this mask, this coat of fat that kept me somewhat isolated, and unavailable. I didn't reach out, I didn't volunteer my thoughts or my energy, and when I was involved socially, I was quiet, more reserved.

Things have changed and sometimes I wonder who is speaking, who is wearing that outfit, who am I? But I like who I've become, even my new edginess as I like to call it, because I am saying what I think, and know who I am. It feels good to be authentic! It's a lot more fun than always being careful, or as my older sister referred to the old me (who she prefers :)), being "Sweet Sue".

Oh, and by the way, Jeff loves the fact that the mask is off. Now that's a good thing, as Martha Stewart would say!

174.6 Hide And Seek

Recently Jennifer asked me about how it felt to be as heavy as I was when I first met her. (The picture on the left was taken within the week following that first appointment.) For someone like Jennifer, who has never been heavy, it was and still is hard to imagine that I could tolerate it, live with it, be okay with those 80 pounds. What did it physically feel like to have such heavy thighs, take up so much space in a chair, to just be moving around? After giving it some thought, I could honestly say that I just didn't think about it most of the time. Weight gain usually occurs slowly, over time, so that you just adapt. I remember making so many excuses about my clothes not fitting well. They shrunk, it was about my posture due to my back, I could still wear them but I'd look a little better in the next size up, and when I went shopping (in the plus size section) they just weren't making whatever size as large as they used to. Oh yeah, the cut of the jeans must be different so I needed to go up a size.

When did I really feel, experience those OMG moments of how big I was? I think it was when I was out with other people, in their homes when the only chair that was available looked like it would crumble if I sat in it. Or, when I was trying to get comfortable in an airplane seat and praying that I didn't have to ask for a seat belt extension - thinking there was just no reason why they couldn't cut a little slack in the length of the seat belts. Why were they so short? And, when I went shopping... Oh, the pain of reality! And when I shopped I bought a lot of things so I wouldn't have to go shopping for a long time and face that music again.

But I had something going for me to ease, to numb everything, and it was a big thing - my back. I could blame it all on my back. I needed a chair with better support because of my back, not because I was going to destroy the chair if I sat on it. My body was changing because of my back and I couldn't exercise and on, and on, so no wonder my clothes didn't fit. Yes, I did have back problems, but the weight was exacerbating those problems if not the original cause of the back problems, so I got myself into a vicious cycle, or is it circle, or maybe both? But that's where I was, spiraling around the obvious.

So how did I get conscious, aware, desirous of seeking to make this huge change in my life? I think the answer is that I couldn't hide from me anymore. The lid came off Pandora's box and I was faced with me trapped in this unhealthy, fat body, looking for a way to get out. I didn't want to be poor old grandma with her bad back, always saying I couldn't do things because I couldn't move easily. I wanted to make all the changes I could to give myself a chance to be fully engaged in life.

Can I give this consciousness, this awareness, this desire to others to help them change? I simply don't know, but I would love to be able to.

179.2 In Nine More Pounds...

Today I went to see Jennifer. I've been working with her for a long time on lots of things including the weight loss. This morning she talked about all of the changes that have occurred since we first met about 2 1/2 years ago. You know, it's funny when you are the person making changes in your appearance, unless you are constantly looking in the mirror you don't see yourself as much as the people around you see you. Even though I'm the one who has done the work, I just don't see it as much as others do. So this morning when she said that I am 15 - 20 years younger in how I am, my vitality, I loved hearing it but it's hard for me to see. I know I have more energy and can certainly move more easily, and I definitely know there is a lot less of me :), but that much younger? Then I thought to myself, OMG, how old was I looking and acting when I first met her?

But it isn't just about the change in my appearance that we talked about this morning. My connection with this inner spirit, my inner voice, has also grown and has played into my changed attitudes. She has been encouraging me to develop this guidance more so that as I move into the maintenance period of this weight loss, I will have that inner compass to guide me, keep me conscious of what I am doing and feeling and to help me deal with all sorts of life issues in the future.

And, we talked about the future. Jennifer is working on a book about spirituality, and I have plans to develop this blog into a book, and we have all sorts of ideas of ways we can work together. So rather than thinking of this adventure as ending, in nine more pounds, new adventures will begin.

So here we go! Nine more pounds!

194.2 It's All About Every Day

You got it! I'm really stuck. This morning I was rushing around thinking I didn't have time to exercise and then I heard that wonderful inner voice say, "Wait a minute! Of course you do if you get going!" So off I went to my workout center and did the elliptical for 23 minutes! I wasn't late to my first meeting of the day and it felt so good that I made the effort especially in light of being stuck!

Today I had an interesting chat with a gal I met at my hair stylist's. She's 61 and is a runner. And, she's always kept her weight down except for a short span of time when she weighed about 10 pounds more than she usually does. She said a couple of things that I thought were really telling - she still writes down the exercise she does every day. (I don't do that and I think I'll start.) Here's another thing she said - that people assume that she is slender because of her genes. She said that she has worked on staying slim and healthy since high school. I know that I used to think that some people were just lucky and didn't have to pay attention to their weight or health. Now I am realizing that it's more likely that those "lucky people" have done what I am trying to do now, and that is be disciplined and thoughtful (conscious and aware) of how I live my life. What's the payoff? Enjoying life and feeling good about myself. Even though my weight is stuck, I am wearing jeans in a smaller size! Wowee!

195.6 Change and Gratitude

Last night's blog brought about a comment that simply stated, "Wowee"! I think it is even more appropriate for today since I am down another 6 ounces! And last night I had butternut nut squash soup with a delicious fig and mascapone toasted ravioli floating in it, beef tenderloin, and asparagus instead of risotto (all I did was ask, and no problem was the answer). It was a wonderful, delicious meal in an extraordinarily beautiful setting.

So how is it I lost 6 more ounces? I think I have stopped fighting with myself about all the reasons I couldn't make drastic changes. Well, I thought of them as drastic but in reality they really weren't that drastic. It just hasn't been that hard. Planning my food for the day first thing in the morning instead of waiting as time for a meal approached and then eating whatever, is not that hard. Doing more and varied exercise in one day is not that hard. Not eating three meals everyday is not that hard. What's hard for me is to figure out what I was afraid of, what was it that I didn't want to give up, why didn't I embrace these ideas as they were suggested to me instead of putting up mental road blocks.

I have definitely become more conscious of the fact that losing a large amount of weight has meant that I had to give up some things in order to make the changes. I had to give up the notion that I was disabled. I had to give up the notion that food was so important to me that I couldn't imagine being happy eating less and indulging myself less with food. I had to give up the notion that I couldn't do it because I couldn't exercise. I had to give up the old me, and you know, what has taken the place of that 247 pound disabled gal is a person that feels younger, is more agile, loves exercise and is beginning to take pride in how she looks and moves and lives. And, being conscious, being aware of the wonder of life within me and around me is such a gift and so much fun. I am filled with gratitude and wonder that I have actually lost 52 pounds. Furthermore, I am very aware of the need and desire to lose about, let's see, I believe we are now looking at only 25 more! Wowee!

199.8 Happy New You!

When our son Ted was just learning to talk, instead of wishing a Happy New Year, he would say "Happy New You!" It's funny the things we remember, and this year especially I think Happy New You is a great way to start the new year off. Since most of those who are reading this blog are interested in weight loss, a new you is a great goal to have. Because weight loss isn't just about losing pounds or inches. It's really about self discovery and as I get older I realize that a very significant part of our life's journey is about self discovery which goes back to my often blogged about need for being conscious and aware. Until I recognized my behaviors around food and became tuned in to them, there was no way I was going to be able to change my habits and my thinking about food for the long haul. (Oh, I am so rambleling, but there is a theme here.)

Since we lived in Boston for so many years, Ellen Goodman became one of our favorite columnists in the Boston Globe. Today her last column was printed as she leaves the working world to join those of us in retirement. Here is the link to her column which is not just about retirement, but also about reinventing oneself, becoming a New You.
http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/editorial_opinion/oped/articles/2010/01/01/letting_go_and_looking_ahead/?s_campaign=8315

So, in case you didn't notice, I've landed in the 100s as of today. Yes, you can laugh since I just squeaked under the wire, but for me it's a huge victory. And it's the beginning of a new challenge to reach the 170 mark when I will have lost 77 pounds! I can hardly wait to experience all of the other changes that I will encounter as I meet my new me.

209.4 Gifts

As I started out on my walk this morning, I saw my friends Terry and Louise, who had arrived here last night after being away since April. Louise has been following my blog from her home in Ohio since I first started to write it and she was so happy to see me 30 pounds lighter!  She called out to me as we approached each other about how much thinner I appeared.  And then she said you are walking so much better and standing so much straighter!  By this time we had hugged and she was wiping tears away.  This new me had brought tears to her eyes.

What she said next was the best gift of all.  She said that I have been an inspiration to her through my blogs.  Her husband, Terry, concurred as she told me that in restaurants she immediately moves one half of the portion away (to Terry's plate!), that she has cut down on the amount of bread she eats, etc.  What she didn't say but is so true is that she has become conscious about everything that she eats.

So Louise, it's great to see you looking so good.  Thanks for the gifts you gave me this morning, and welcome back!