171.0 Hiding Behind The Mask... No More

I've come to realize over this two and a half year long journey that among other things, I wore my fat as an accessory, or a mainstay of my wardrobe. I wore it as a mask to hide behind because I was unhappy with who I had become over the years, and unsure of who I really was.

I wonder if that is true for a lot of heavy people. I have a hunch that some people slowly put weight on with no consciousness and then wake up at a medical appointment or even shopping and think "OMG, what's happened to me?!"

In my case, I think I gave up on a lot of fronts and took refuge behind this mask, this coat of fat that kept me somewhat isolated, and unavailable. I didn't reach out, I didn't volunteer my thoughts or my energy, and when I was involved socially, I was quiet, more reserved.

Things have changed and sometimes I wonder who is speaking, who is wearing that outfit, who am I? But I like who I've become, even my new edginess as I like to call it, because I am saying what I think, and know who I am. It feels good to be authentic! It's a lot more fun than always being careful, or as my older sister referred to the old me (who she prefers :)), being "Sweet Sue".

Oh, and by the way, Jeff loves the fact that the mask is off. Now that's a good thing, as Martha Stewart would say!