185.2 So Happy!

Jeff and I are both so tired, but it is such a good tired and we feel so happy to be with our grandsons even though we are so tired! It is really wonderful to spend time with our family. Since we live far away from our kids, it's very special to all be together.

Today our daughter Alee and her fiance Scott arrived. It was great to see them out here! Alee was so pleased to introduce Scott to her aunt and uncle and to her three nephews, Lennox, Alex, and Julien. The kids were so friendly and I could tell that they thought Scott was very cool immediately.

Lynsey also arrived today but is fighting a stomach flu bug so we haven't really been spending time with her. Hopefully, she'll be feeling much better tomorrow. I felt so bad for her. Jeff shared a great idea with everyone at the dinner table. He thought it would be fun and a gift to give if we went over to where Lynsey is staying and sang Christmas carols to her. The kids loved the idea and we practiced a few familiar carols and off we went. Then we went and sang for one of our neighbors. I was the choral conductor and Julien was my assistant! I think Jeff helped us all have another great memory.

And, tomorrow, Miranda and Jud and their little daughter Zuzu arrive! Then we will all be here.

So I won't write again for several days, maybe even a week.
Happy holidays to all and to all a good night!

185.0 Well, How About That!

Being active has a a lot to do with weight, loss or gain. I think I've been really busy with the grandsons, and for some reason, I'm just not so hungry as usual. How cool is that?

Tonight we went to a local Mexican restaurant and I was able to order a mahi-mahi entree that was really delicious but so spicy hot that I couldn't come close to finishing it.

I spent a lot of time at the grocery store today, two separate trips in fact. One was alone, which was good so I had some quiet time, and one was with my son, which was really nice since we are alone together so rarely.

Tomorrow Lynsey, Ted's very special girlfriend, arrives as do our daughter Alee and her fiance Scott. Things will get even more lively. I wrote a friend that we have a real Family Circus going on here and it's truly a case of the more the merrier. Did I write that I asked my husband how we ever raised three children and stayed sane? Youth definitely has its advantages.

Yes, weight is still so important. I'm having more back issues than I've had in a long time, and so I am more determined than I've been over this past year to lose these 15 pounds. Fifteen is better than 18 that I brought home from Hawaii with me. I"m wondering if that will help my back or if age is also playing a role in what is going on. We shall see, but no matter the real culprit, the less I weigh, the better.

Another great day at "The Ranch" as we sometimes refer to our small little house in Arizona. Above are picture taken early this morning. On the left is Lennox, 10, who wants to be a scientist. In the center is Alex, 8, who wants to play for the NBA and then play in a band, and on the right is Julien, 5, who is still thinking about what he wants to be after he plays in a band. Our son, their father actually is a drummer in a band so there is a reason that two out of the three boys have their dad's interest and some musical talent. Having such very different kids in one family is fun and often a challenge, but in general they get along very well - even better once we got a third Wii remote so all three can play Super Mario games together. Surprisingly, the 5 year old often wins.

Even though my weight is up way too much, I feel like I'm winning the battle of self disgust and holding everything steady. My back is giving me new challenges and that is helping to motivate me to get rid of these recently gained pounds. Life is so good and I just want to be as healthy and as good to myself as possible so I'm feeling confident about the future - feeling better, regaining control over how much I eat, and enjoying my life.

186.2 So Tired, So Happy

My son and his three sons arrived today, our second influx of relatives. The party has definitely begun. I wish I had had the presence of mind to take a picture of them today so I could attach it to this post. They are 10, 8, and 5 now and so much fun. They are very different from each other and that adds to the theatre of it all. Prill and Phil made a delicious dinner tonight and it was a very welcome gift.

Jeff and I just sat down and looked at each other and agreed that we are exhausted, but oh so happy. We walked, played basketball, played Guitar Hero, played Super Mario something or other, played the card game war, decorated gingerbread houses, and decorated the tree at the house where the boys and Ted (and Lynsey later in the week) are staying. As Kathleen wrote in her comment posted yesterday, it's time to make new memories. I think we have a great start on that and it's only day one.

186.2 Christmas Memories and Tears of Happiness

I've written in the past about not being able to feel things, to not being able to respond with much emotion. Today I bawled, I sobbed, I cried, but nothing bad or sad had happened. I was listening to Here and Now on PRI and was overwhelmed with memories of things past while hearing the segment on holiday choral music. Robin Young, the anchor, had her high school choral director from many years ago on the show with his choices for best holiday choral works. He's Jewish and joked about how he's the Jew who loves Christmas music most.
http://hereandnow.wbur.org/2011/12/19/christmas-choir-music

Just hearing this music brought back so many memories of my time singing in choirs all through junior and senior high school in Palo Alto, California with our dear choir director, Marjorie Klein.

My sister Priscilla with husband Phil are here already as our family begins to gather for Christmas. As I get older, I realize that it is memories not gifts that really make Christmas special. Here we go ~ and part of that are memories of delicious foods that are special to the holiday. This year I'm into enjoying small amounts of wonderful food. I've really learned that beating myself up about what I eat isn't helpful. Being mindful and grateful is the way to go.

185.2 Writing Again!

I've been off track with the blog and with my own writing for a long time now. What I've noticed is if I get off track with one thing, things seem to cascade into chaos on all fronts. I lose focus on eating, exercise, organization in my office, writing for fun - it all goes away. So I'm trying to get it all back. My office is in much better shape out of necessity as we get ready for Christmas and the arrival of all of our children and grandchildren. My food choices and amounts seem to be taking care of themselves. This morning I made only a 1/4 cup of oatmeal instead of the 1/2 cup that is considered a serving on the box, and ended up not finishing that. I was full, I felt full which is still a big deal for me because I'm not always aware of how I feel. Exercise is still not really on track since I've been in trouble with my right hip and assorted other aches and pains, but nothing too serious. Tomorrow I'll make an appointment to see my physical therapist and get that problem solved. So, I wonder if my chaos issues are pretty common, that cascading chaos is what happens to most of us when one thing gets out of control?

We had a great time in Hawaii, by the way. I was able to go snorkeling twice when the water was fairly calm. I hadn't been snorkeling since all of my back issues befell me starting in 2003, so that was a big deal to be able to do that. The Big Island was full of hidden treasures ~ beaches, restaurants, vistas, lectures, etc. We visited the Place Botanical Garden which is owned and operated by my nephew's wife's father and it was amazingly beautiful and her father's dream come true.

I admit that this is really an odd time for me to make a commitment to start writing more regularly but I do want to reconnect with this part of me and with you.

Aloha

"There are two main types of sugar that occurs naturally in foods like vegetables and fruits, and refined sugars and syrups (aka simple sugar), which are added to foods for sweetness. Added sugar is any sugar that does not naturally occur in the food like the sugar in holiday cookies and cakes. Extra sugar increases your blood sugar quickly, causing the proteins in your body to be less functional and, as a result, directly aging your immune and arterial systems and even your joints, explains Dr. Mike Roizen, chief wellness officer at the Cleveland Clinic. A food is likely to be high in added sugar if one of the following substances is first or second in the list of ingredients (or if several of them are present): brown sugar, corn sweetener, dextrose, fructose, fruit juice concentrate, glucose, honey, invert sugar, lactose, maltose, molasses, raw sugar, sucrose, table sugar. Also watch out for concentrated fruit juice and expeller-pressed organic rice extract.". This quote is from the Cleveland Clinic newsletter posted Dec. 4th.

Whenever I see the word aging it jumps out at me, and I never thought of sugar as causing aging unrelated to weight gain. I am really struggling with my weight and as I write this I am sitting at the breakfast table at a gorgeous resort on the Big Island, HI. I know this sounds childish, but I am angry that I still have to be so in control of every bite. But as I've learned over that past year, if I don't pay careful attention, I gain weight. I've been going back to listening to my Jennifer Scott CDs, doing a lot of self talk, and just saying no to unhealthy food, wine, and macadamia nuts. (They are everywhere here.) My rational voice tells me that if that's all I have to complain about, I have it pretty easy. And I do!

185.2 A Little of This and A LIttle of That!

I found the apricot colored pointsettia at our local grocery store. I had never seen one that color and had to have it! Since our house tends toward more desert colors, it is perfect.

We had a great Thanksgiving with friends and are now looking forward to ten days in Hawaii. I know, I know I will have to stay conscious and mindful of the exercise piece. My back is healing slowly. When I hurt it, I actually lost all the strength in my core muscles so the road back is slow, but my back is steadily improving so I am counting on being fine.

My new goal to to keep my weight steady throughout the next month and then I am thinking about doing something totally different to get the weight off. I did come up with a great, easy, filling breakfast. About a third of a cup of low fat cottage cheese with or without berries and Splenda and I am good to go for several hours.

Since we will be gone for the trip and then our family starts arriving around the 20th of December, I have no idea how often I'll write a post for this blog. I appreciate so much that you are still reading Susan's Losin' so continue check in now and then.

Here's the latest picture of Zuzu for those of you who know my 5 month old granddaughter!

183.5 Never Sneeze Lying Down!

I did and threw my back out into a new and different planetary orbit! This is not a good time of year to sneeze lying flat on your back.

183.2 It's Simple But It's Not Easy

You know how on some days, disparate things come together? On Friday I attended a discussion at Paradise Valley Community College on using non-judgmental language in the classroom, and then I had a great phone conversation with Jennifer Scott. I hadn't expected the two events to have anything to do with each other, but they surely did.

During the non-judgmental discussion, the leader, a math prof and former therapist, talked about how she never tells her students that something is easy, because if they don't get it and she's said it is easy, it invites them to think that they are stupid. (The community college population is very different from that of a traditional four year institution. Often the students were not on a college track in high school, or they may be older and are trying to enter a college setting after being out of school for a while. In other words, confidence is usually not a strong suit for these students.) So she tells them that a concept is simple but it is not easy. She had many more great things to share with us, but this is the one that struck me as I was talking to Jennifer later that afternoon.

We were talking about the challenge that I'm facing in terms of maintenance and what she responded with is very simple, but for me it has not been easy. Exercise and consciousness...she repeated those two words several times during our conversation and the big click occurred when I realized that it is simple, but it is not easy. I love it when things like that occur because it is validation that I get it.

I wish I had had this insight when I was raising my children, this knowledge about how important language is on the listener's view of him or herself. Another example the discussion leader gave was to never tell someone that he or she isn't stupid. Research has shown that the person hears stupid (forget that you said not stupid) and the damage is done. One more thing she said that struck me is how special you can make a person feel if you simply say that you were thinking about them and wondered....

As you can see, I did get a lot out of this opportunity at the college. I'm so glad I went.

"An Encouraging Word" by Jean Fain

My daughter Alee introduced me to Jean Fain's "An Encouraging Word" site a few years ago. (At the bottom of the post you can read a short bio.) This morning I received this post and want to put it out here for you because it is timely and powerful as we try to find the confidence to eat and drink what we chose to rather than to allow ourselves to be talked into eating for others.

"An Encouraging Word, Vol. 39
Just In Time: Holiday Bill Of Rights
By Jean Fain / Published November 15, 2011

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Read on if you’re interested in losing weight without the deprivation associated with dieting. Feel free to forward “An Encouraging Word” to a friend.

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Pumpkin Pie For Breakfast….

With the holidays fast approaching, I’m reprinting some timely encouragement from Evelyn Tribole, an award-winning nutritionist and co-author of the mindful eating classic, “Intuitive Eating.” Even if you’ve read Tribole’s Holiday Bill of Rights in last year’s Encouraging Word, it’s definitely worth rereading right about now:

What if peace on earth could begin at the dinner table? Imagine experiencing an inner peace, free from incessant worry about what to eat. It's hard to enjoy the holidays when you are preoccupied with eating or worried about what to say to relatives who have an annual tradition of telling you what and how to eat.

To help you foster inner peace with food, mind and body, consider your Intuitive Eating Bill of Rights:

1. You have the right to savor your meal, without cajoling or judgment, and without discussion of calories eaten or the amount of exercise needed to burn off said calories.

2. You have the right to enjoy second servings without apology.

3. You have the right to honor your fullness, even if that means saying "no thank you" to dessert or a second helping of food.

4. It is not your responsibility to make someone happy by overeating, even if it took hours to prepare a specialty holiday dish.

5. You have the right to say, "No thank you," without explanation, when offered more food.

6. You have the right to stick to your original answer of "no", even if you are asked multiple times. Just calmly and politely repeat "No, thank you, really."

7. You have the right to eat pumpkin pie for breakfast.

Remember, no one, except for you, knows how you feel, both emotionally and physically. Only you can be the expert of your body, which requires inner attunement, rather than the external, well-meaning, suggestions from family

In addition to seeing clients in private practice, Jean Fain teaches behavioral medicine at Cambridge Health Alliance, a teaching affiliate of Harvard Medical School, and she writes for O, The Oprah Magazine, among other publications. More information about Jean Fain’s therapy services, audio CDs and new book, The Self-Compassion Diet, is available on her website (www.jeanfain.com)."

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The Duh Factor

This morning I "ran" (those of you who know me know I can't run) into Starbucks for a cup of coffee. A younger woman, maybe 40 to 45, held up a packaged egg salad sandwich and asked me if it would be a good choice since she had just learned that her cholesterol was too high and her doctor wanted her to watch what she ate. She probably heard way too much information in response to her question. (TMI, as my girls used to warn me). And here is where the duh factor come in. It is not about her, but shouldn't her doctor have educated her about good food choices. Wasn't there a list of good food choices available to the doctor to give patients, or even a web site the doctor could have shared with her to get this information? It was a funny encounter because every food choice I suggested to her, for example turkey, fruit, she immediately said she hated those things. Finally I told her I had been to a hypnotherapist to help me want to eat healthy food. That just about put her over the top. I did show her how to read the nutrition label on the package. Maybe the duh factor applies to her also?

183.2 Asking Questions

Asking questions is always a good thing...I think. As I've continued to work on losing a few pounds after trying to maintain my 80 pound loss and then regaining some, I have been trying to figure out why things took the turn that they did. I had to have my thyroid level checked (I had my thyroid removed about 3 years ago) so decided to talk over the situation with my PCP before having the blood draw. I really like this doctor because he listens carefully and responds with care. In other words, he doesn't trivialize my concerns. He checked my last lab results and noticed that the TSH was on the high side although not quite abnormally so. The end result is that because it came up so high or higher again, I am on a higher dose of synthetic thyroid replacement. I've only taken it for a few days and don't have the jitters or other side effects that he warned me about, so we'll see. I joked with a friend that maybe I'll become a Type A personality. Now that would be something new and different!

Home Again!

We are home again after having a great time in Kansas City with my sister Priscilla and her husband Phil. It was wonderful to see their new home, get a private tour of the Nelson Art Museum where Priscilla is a docent, go to a concert at the newly opened Kaufman Concert Hall, and eat the most delicious food at a variety of great little restaurants. We even got to eat free at a Seasons 52 restaurant where the employees were in the process of being trained.

No, I haven't weighed myself and won't for a couple of day to let things simmer down. And yes, I did try to order wisely (it's pretty automatic now). But every bite was worth it, and I'm learning how to deal with all of the ups and downs involved in travel. So thanks again Prill and Phil for a great time. We'll be back!

183.4 Kansas City, Kansas City Here We Come!

My sister Priscilla and her husband Phil live in Kansas City. We haven't visited them there in several years and so we are on our way tomorrow. I know it is going to be fun. KC is a great city with lots to do and see and it has some great restaurants. My biggest issue is what to bring in the way of clothing. Since we moved away from Boston and the weight loss, I have no warm coats, hats, boots, etc. I almost bought a very cute jacket yesterday. I was perspiring just trying it on, and then couldn't part with the $ for it because I couldn't imagine how much I would wear it. Maybe I shouldn't be such a tightwad, and maybe I'd travel more in the winter if I had the jacket. Oh dear, now I'm thinking I should have bought it! Life is pretty good when that's all I have to worry about! Remember "heart, head, heart, head"? Here I go again!

183.4 Does This Bother You, too?

I'm probably just being overly sensitive but the emails that are floating around aimed at older women telling them that they deserve to eat all the cookies, cakes, and pies that they want really bother me. It's sort of like giving us permission to throw in the towel and rejoice about being fat. I don't believe that everyone needs to be thin, but indulging in sweets or whatever just because you're older seems all backwards. What about the fact that issues of diabetes, heart disease, arthritis, etc., only get worse the older/heavier you are. I hope I haven't lost my sense of humor during this weight loss journey, but I really don't think these emails are helpful or thoughtful.

I'm still pondering the issue of there being a hormone (leptin) that gets out of whack and may be the reason so many big weight losers have trouble keeping the weight off. I'm not going to just give in and I hope the current evidence will be proven wrong. But if it is correct, I'm hoping before long I can pop a pill to even things out.

As Promised...

Here's the ID bracelet that I wear now whenever I exercise away from our home. I chose the interactive option which means that besides showing a phone number that can be called immediately, there is a serial number and pin that can be put into a computer and all my info including doctors, insurance, etc., is available. The reason I chose that is because if I have a simple fall, I'll be able to relate whatever information is needed. I'm really wearing this for an occasion where I would not be able to speak and paramedics would be called. I had my choice of style, color, type, etc., and I encourage everyone to wear one of these. It makes me feel safer, it is very comfortable, and if ever needed, wearing it may save my life.

Go to RoadID.com to learn more about it.

184.4 Some Good News!

I just learned that Boar's Head turkey breast contains no nitrites. Funny, the things that can make me very happy. I love to eat turkey for lunch but got all hung up because I had read that all deli meats contained high levels of nitrites. So today I asked about it at our local grocery store deli and, lo and behold, a Boar's Head rep was in the store. So we had quite a chat. She's now on my list of best friends. She told me that the turkey, chicken, and roast beef are all nitrite free. So there you go, another beautiful, great day out here in sunny Scottsdale. Maybe I'm also feeling happy because I got back on the elliptical this morning. It did feel good.

184.3 Good News Or Bad News?

I don't know if I am sad or glad about this item in the NY Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/27/health/biological-changes-thwart-weight-loss-efforts-study-finds.html

On the one hand, I don't feel like such a failure because I have put some of my lost weight back on. On the other hand, it makes me really sad to think that there is this (albeit a small sample) evidence that there are factors out of my control that have played into this situation.

I know it's a long, wordy article that basically says our bodies want to return to our old habits and our habitual metabolism after weight loss, that that doesn't change, in addition to the fact that the hormone leptin wreaks havoc with our systems and therefore regaining the weight is somewhat inevitable.

For now my response is that I will fight to at the least stay at this weight, and at best, get rid of it all over again. Ah, let's hear it for the amazing weight loss adventure. Who knew it would end with this new knowledge?

Happy Birthday!

It's my birthday and I'm still like a little kid when it comes to that day. My husband knows it and my kids know it and always make it special for me. When I was very young I had a book called The Surprise Package. It was all about a beautifully wrapped box with a very special present inside. Just looking at that book made me so excited and probably fed into my turning my birthday into this very special day. I wish I could remember what was in the box in the book. I doubt that it had anything to do with weight loss :), but maybe it did have something to do with loving oneself. And that's a perfect gift to keep in mind as each birthday becomes more and more precious. Happy Birthday, Sue!

A Very Good Friend

Today I had a great conversation with my friend Barbara. She's followed my blog from the first post. She's been a wonderful inspiration for me because she never let her weight get out of control. In other words, she's always been very conscious about what she eats and how much and it's really paid off throughout her life.

After I shared the news that our daughter Alee is engaged :) to a wonderful guy, Barbara took charge of the conversation and told me that she had been wondering why I never talked about using hypnosis during this recent period of weight gain and my distress about it. She said that she was so happy to read yesterday that I was reintroducing it into my tool box! She also told me that her husband Fred lost weight after suffering some health issues and never veers from his diet. She suggested that perhaps that is the tack that I will have to take in light of my history of yoyo dieting. Much as I would like to be able to not be so obsessed with every bite, perhaps for me it is the only way I will be able to keep the lost weight at bay. I've been fighting having to live like that, but I'm beginning to understand that for me it may be the only way I am going to keep my weight under control.

Today I went out to lunch with friends and after leaving the house I went back home and filled up a little plastic bag with fat free ranch dressing. I wouldn't have bothered a week ago and would have trusted myself not to eat much of the dressing that was provided. But going through those "old" steps to insure that I stay aware really helped me. A lot of my life is not in my control, so having a few things that I can count on myself to control feels good.

Returning To The New

Sometimes it's the obvious that gets forgotten. Once I reached my goal weight, I quit listening to the weight loss hypnosis CDs that Jennifer Scott had made for me. And as I've been struggling to stop gaining weight and getting back somewhere near that goal weight, I've finally focused on the fact that I haven't been following some basic ideas that I took to heart with great seriousness as I was in the weight loss mode. So yesterday I made new signs that are now adorning the refrigerator and the interior of the pantry, and I've started listening to the CDs. I felt such a difference yesterday as I approached food, and this morning the old phase "eat half" was at play in my brain and it was automatic once again. I'm hoping that I've found some new/old ways to help me regain that courage and strength as I face what I am really understanding has been a truth all along and that is I really am addicted to using food to blot out emotional ups and downs.

Another ESL Moment

Today I was struck once again by the very special lessons I am learning from my ESL students. Locally and perhaps nationally there has been a big push called "Making a Difference". One of my students (from the Ukraine I believe) told the class today that she and her husband, who owns a construction company, wanted to make a difference so they replaced all the windows and doors in the home of a Vietnam War vet as their way of participating. I wonder how many of those who complain about immigration/immigrants have done anything to make a difference. Maybe you can tell I'm a little weary of all of the closed thinking that is alive and well in this nation of immigrants.

I also learned that one of my students from Mexico waited 9 years to get her green card to come to this country where sadly instant gratification has become a national value. It's all so strange.

650th post!

I'm definitely at a plateau and so it goes. So, I thought I'd share a great recipe that I first heard about on NPR and then made it a couple of nights ago. It sounded wonderful and it was divine and easy and it's good for us all. Enjoy!

Roasted Wild Mushroom Soup
(Use portabellas or shiitakes, cepes, or any wild mushrooms you can find for this earthy, creamy soup.)

1 pound fresh portabella mushrooms
2 teaspoons olive oil
3 medium onions, peeled and chopped
3 cloves garlic, peeled and chopped
salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 teaspoon chopped fresh thyme
1 tablespoon chopped fresh rosemary
(I added some red pepper flakes for a little oomph!)
2 tablespoons dry sherry or red wine
5 cups vegetable, chicken, or beef stock
a touch of heavy cream, crème fraîche or yogurt, optional

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.
Gently clean the mushrooms using a moist paper towel.
Cut the bottom 1⁄2-inch off the stem and then cut the mushrooms into chunks.
Grease the bottom of a medium to large roasting pan or ovenproof skillet with 1 teaspoon of the oil.
Add the mushrooms, onions, garlic, salt, pepper, thyme, rosemary, and remaining oil and stir well.
Roast on the middle oven shelf for 20 to 25 minutes, stirring once or twice, or until the vegetables are tender.
Remove the roasting pan from the oven and pour the sherry/wine into the pan, scraping up any bits clinging to the bottom of the pan.
Add the stock. Let cool a minute or two.
Transfer the soup to a blender or food processor and, working in batches, puree the mushroom mixture and all the juices, blending until smooth, but taking care when blending hot liquids.
Transfer to a medium-large pot and season to taste. Reheat and serve hot. Add a touch of cream, crème fraîche, or plain yogurt, if desired. The soup really doesn't need much! Serve hot with crusty bread.

Serves 4 to 6.
Recipe from Kathy Gunst’s new book, “Notes from a Maine Kitchen.” (Down East Books 2011)

183.6 Funny Ha Ha, Or Funny Peculiar?

So I'm so proud of myself, staying with the program, writing everything down like a real trooper, and recording my weight at the top of each day's entry. Now here's the issue...for three days in a row I recorded my weight as 283 (plus or minus a few ounces) rather than 183 and I didn't catch it until yesterday. What is up with that? I actually think it's quite funny. In my family we used to ask "funny ha ha, or funny peculiar?", and therein lies my quandary. It is both. But thank goodness I don't weigh 283 because just prior to starting on this amazing weight loss journey, I could have easily seen my weight go into the 280s, easily. Maybe I was just distracted, but truth be told, it is hard for me to become distracted when recoding my weight. It is still a big deal!

183.0 Can I Just Say...?

Can I just say that sometimes I am blown away by experiencing life, my life. I think that I "know what to expect", if not control much of it, and today I was reminded that things happen that I never expected.

Today is Thursday, my ESL teaching day, and as I was walking away from the classroom toward my car I was filled with such gratitude that I know these people and have a chance to interact with them every week. I wish I could introduce them to all those who might question why I do this.

I've written about having each of the students embark on a challenge of their choosing each week. Today I learned that one of the men with his two sons hiked down to the floor of the Grand Canyon and then back up all in the same day. He laughed as he told us that one of his sons still thinks he was crazy to want to do that. A woman in the class is a swimming instructor and is teaching a deaf 13 year old how to swim. The young girl is not only deaf but was terrified of the water, and my ESL student had her calmly floating in the pool. One of my challenges is trying to keep up with these magnificent folks!

I'm into my second day of writing everything down - so far so good!

183.4 Starting Again!

Sometimes I feel as if I am wandering in a maze and can't find the right direction to head in. I keep bumping into walls, or I go forever and then realize I'm totally lost and getting nowhere. So this morning I've started writing down everything I eat and I've got a new sign in my pantry reminding me that I do not want to undo all the work I did. Now I am great at putting things in place to help me, and then I turn a blind eye/mind to all of my efforts. But I woke up in the middle of the night and berated myself for my sloppy attitude and resultant weight gain. Then I remembered to love myself and my body for starters and I'm on a much better footing this morning. I'm going to find my way out of the maze.

182.5 A New Challenge Perhaps...

Speaking of challenges :), I may take on something that will definitely be a challenge for me. I've been approached by the head of the adult ed programs at our church about starting a weight loss group. I'm not sure what all it will entail, but I do know it will be up to me to design it. I would love to hear from any of you who read this blog about what might be important to include and what you've taken away from this blog about weight loss that has helped you, or been meaningful to you. The group won't start until after the first of the year so I have time to do this with thought and purpose. Any ideas you have will be welcome and appreciated.

183.2 Company's Comin'

This will be short. My sister Barbi and her husband Al are arriving momentarily. Even though they live about an hour and a half away, we don't see them very often so we are looking forward to their visit.

In response to my blogging about an ID to use while exercising, our son's partner Lynsey went on line and found me perfect ID. Once I get it, I'll post it so all can see. Lynsey's very clever. If she hadn't found one, she easily could have created and made one. Thanks so much Lynsey. And in her note she stressed that it wasn't for old people.:)

Do I Need To Know Why?

I really have a thing about celebraties and always wanted to be one. I've seen a fair number in my life, but not a lot. Today I was meeting with my ESL client at a local Starbucks where we talk for two hours a couple times a week. As we were leaving he told me that there was an actor sitting at a table outside. I looked over and saw an older, not too well put together guy and said that I didn't think that was anyone familiar. And then I took a second look and realized that it was Mel Gibson! No, I didn't acknowledge him at all, nor did anyone at that moment. I wonder if he cares either way. And, I wonder why he was sitting in a Starbucks in Scottsdale drinking coffee.

182.3 A Lot To Think About

My last post was about the man collapsing at the Y while working out. I walked in my neighborhood yesterday rather than returning to the Y - I know, I will get over it - and I realized that if I collapsed where I was walking (except very close to my house) not many people would know me. So I really do need to get some form of ID to wear when I exercise. But isn't that what old people do? Or, maybe it's what smart people do. As my 69th birthday approaches, I have lots to think about. I never really thought about all I'd have to think about as my age increases. But on the other hand, there are so many good things to think about. No matter, I should get an ID.

182.0 An Upsetting Day

Today I headed off to go shopping and turned around because I realized that if I didn't go work out then, I probably wouldn't get it done. So I came in the house, changed my clothes and headed over to the Y. I was doing the elliptical (what else?) when a guy ran into the big workout room and yelled that a doctor was needed. Everyone froze in their tracks including me as we all became aware that someone was in some kind of trouble. I really didn't feel like continuing but I also didn't really want to leave where I was because I didn't want to see what had happened. I know that my reaction may not be typical, but that's where I was. Finally, thinking the emergency must be over, I went into the locker room, got my stuff and headed out. There was a group of guys taking turns doing CPR on the fellow who had obviously collapsed. I could hear them counting. I went on outside and then heard folks saying that no one knew who the man was who had collapsed...which is why I am writing this. And it dawned on me that no one would know who I was if I collapsed there. I show my ID card when I enter and then put it back in my wallet and lock that up in my locker.

Two fire trucks and an ambulance finally arrived which is another upsetting story. Because the Y is in Scottsdale, emergency crews had to come from a Scottsdale fire station even though there were three stations closer to the Y but not in Scottsdale proper so it did take forever for help to arrive.

Maybe I'll work out at my community center workout room. I need to think about keeping an ID with me, also. A very upsetting day.

Dinner With Friends

Last night we had dinner with friends. They've known us for several years and Annis has been one of my faithful blog readers, cheering me on throughout the amazing weight loss adventure. She made a wonderful meal for us and I want to share it. I don't have a recipe since she made it up, but basically it was chopped tomatoes, chopped tomatoes in tomato sauce, kalamata olives (pitting them was the hardest part of the recipe), oregano, BASIL, and cooked, well drained spinach all mixed together, served over linguine. And, we sprinkled feta cheese on the top. It was filling, delicious, and very healthy. And we had great conversation and music to go with it! It was a special evening!

182.6 What If...

This blog is so weird! It is all over the map, and much of the time I don't acknowledge my weight in my posts at all. So what if I didn't publish it and just carried on, sharing with whomever bits and pieces of my life?

Off to the elliptical. It doesn't care at all what my weight is. Which reminds me that a couple of days ago a blind woman was doing the elliptical. If she can, I certainly can. (Her husband set it up and helped her on and she was on her way. It was great to see.)

181.4 A New Taste Treat

A couple of weeks ago I visited my wonderful, inspirational friend Barbara in southern California. She, like my sister Priscilla, has managed to keep her weight under control for most of her life. She told me about one of her new favorite combinations that she eats for breakfast and/or lunch. I came home and tried it and have been hooked ever since. I feel compelled to share it :).

Mix about 1/4 cup Greek non-fat yogurt (Greek yogurt is much higher in protein so you'll feel fuller longer than if you use regular yogurt) with 1/4 cup non-fat or low fat cottage cheese. Then add sliced fresh tomato and about 1/4 to 1/2 of an avocado. Add salt and lots of pepper and enjoy! She feeds this to her 18 month old grand-daughter who loves it. I also the eat the yogurt and cottage cheese combo with fresh berries. I sprinkle Splenda on it and think it's heavenly.

I have a hunch that you'll really like both of these options if you like yogurt and cottage cheese. Oh, I just remembered... I also ate it with fresh figs and that was so good!

182.8 Acceptance and Confidence

I'm just learning to accept that going out with friends often ends with two things...having a great time, and a little bump up. I also know that I can get it headed down so there is just more confidence and acceptance.

Yes, I do want to get rid of the 10 plus pounds, but even with that, I am not going to throw myself into a whirlwind of desperation. I just came back from the Y and my favorite elliptical and am just breathing easier. I'll take this new place I'm in... at least for today :).

181.6 From Bad To Good!

Having a flat tire is no fun, anytime, especially far from home in 102 degree heat. But today things went from bad to good! As soon as I realized something was seriously wrong with my car, I pulled off and checked the tires. And, I had a major flat. I had to drive on it to get to a safer place to wait for help which was fairly unnerving as cars going very fast had to go around me. I called AAA and was told it would be up to an hour before they could get to me. Oh, I forgot to say I was on my way to a physical therapy appointment. So I called my PT office and explained I could never get there on time. As I'm sitting in my car, looking down, there was a loud knock on my window. With fear and trepidation I rolled down my window a little bit, and a young man offered to change my tire for me. I was so surprised and I must admit a little fearful, that I said no thanks and explained that AAA was on the way. He pressed and reminded me that I could be waiting for a long time for them to arrive and that he'd be happy to do it for me. I don't like to admit that I was suspicious and uncomfortable about agreeing to having him help me, but finally said I'd really appreciate it. This guy changed it within 10 minutes, wasn't carrying a gun, didn't try to rob me or hurt me, and was extremely competent. He said he'd just finished mechanic school and that's why he could do it so fast. So there you go! You never know when something wonderful will happen. And, I was able to get my PT appointment, after all. Now I want to find a way pay it forward.

181.4 Does It Matter?

My sister asked that question in response to the question I asked yesterday about why working out on the elliptical versus walking briskly seems to help me sleep better. And her response of "does it matter" also goes for lots of things I write about. But some things do matter to me because I'm always trying to figure out what is best, why I gain or lose at a specific time, etc. I don't know why my weight popped up this morning, but at least it's not horrific (does anyone say "oh horrors" anymore?) and there is probably not a lesson to be learned...everyday.

So I did the elliptical today for 30 minutes and I'm off to get a mani and a pedi!

I just like this picture. It symbolizes how much I hope to touch Zuzu's life, and how important her touch is to me.

180.6 Sleep and Exercise

I woke up this morning weighing less than I have in a while, and realized I had the longest, best sleep I've had in a long time. So many of my gal pals complain along with me that we can't sleep through the night. I've never asked them about how much they exercise, but now I'm wondering if, in spite of all of the hormone issues that I read get in the way of a good night's sleep, a lack of exercise also plays a part. For me the real challenge (there's that word again) is about balancing what I do in terms of exercise while taking care of my arthritic spine. One reason I love the elliptical is that there is no impact so it is gentle on my whole system while at the same time it gets my heart rate up and just feels good. But I do need to walk so that there is some impact to strengthen my bones. So here's the question... why do I sleep better after doing the elliptical for a half hour versus walking briskly for a half hour?

On that note, I'm heading out for a walk.

182.0 The Elliptical Even With My Edgy Back!

Today I went back to the Y and spent more time on the elliptical and marveled at how good it felt to be doing it and how good I felt that I accomplished it. I still remember not being able to do it for more than one minute when I started. I was just beginning to lose the weight and I was so out of shape. Today I did it for 25 minutes and quit only because my back is being edgy and I don't want to irritate it.

I think that a good challenge for me is to keep heading over to the Y and staying with the elliptical at least every other day. It does really pick my spirits up when I do it and that's a very good thing for me.

182.8 It's About Challenges

As a part of my ESL class I've asked the students to come up with a challenge for themselves that they talk about in class. I haven't started doing this yet this semester, but yesterday two of my students talked to me after class about their challenges. One gal challenged herself to do special things for herself. She's raised two children, and always put her husband and children first in her life. One of the things she did for herself was to take Zamba lessons... and now she is teaching it! She's so proud and excited. Another student has already chosen a challenge without me even bringing up the subject. She's going to learn to cook new recipes from her husband's country as a surprise for him. The best challenge story I have is the one about my student who took on the IRS over the phone, got the information he wanted, and was given more help than he thought he needed. I don't know how many folks have even gotten through to the IRS much less been helped graciously and generously.

I find it interesting that I am good at helping others formulate and accomplish their challenges. Maybe I have found something I'm good at :) ! Maybe I could do this for myself, again?

182.4 Feeling Alive

I think my spirit died a little this summer. I have lots of reasons I can think of as to why that happened and none of them are very good. Jeff and I are already thinking about next summer and changes we might make so that this doesn't happen again.

Today, as I was leaving the college after teaching the ESL group, I was struck by how alive I felt at that moment. I could teach over the summer and perhaps that is something I might do next year. And I want to find other activities even now that give me that sense of aliveness that I seem to need.

My time with my children and grandchildren always gives me that sense of feeling alive and of being in the moment, and I cherish that time with them so much.

So I am grateful for so much today. I even did the elliptical and realized how alive I felt while doing that. Why don't I do it more often and more routinely? That's a good question. So I'm working on lots of things mentally and physically. Welcome back to life, Sue!

182.2 Back In Familiar Territory

At least I am back in familiar territory and life is beginning to return to some sort of normal routine. I met Jennifer for breakfast as we usually try to do on Wednesdays so that piece is back in place after 3 weeks of missing it. She's a great friend and knows how to help me become grounded and looking forward. Thanks, Jennifer.

I was talking to my chiropractor this morning about the challenges of food/weight gain when traveling. He then confessed he gained 12 pounds in one Thanksgiving Day celebration. He blamed it on the wine and salt. I've heard that one before! He may hold a record. I have yet to gain 12 pounds on a trip or during a holiday and am counting on that never happening.

So life looks good today, very good. Thanks to all who wrote notes of condolence regarding the loss of our friend. Your caring and reaching out has been greatly appreciated by Jeff and me.

Remembering and Acknowledging Change - It's Hard!

As one of my friends wrote, this has been a very bittersweet time for us. Spending that wonderful time with our daughters, Jud, Scott, and little Zuzu was so much fun. As a family, we all get along so well and really enjoy being together. I'm so glad we were able to spend that time in Bar Harbor with the fam!

Attending the memorial service for our friend was hard. The service was very nice and it was good to see JJ's wife and family and the friends that we had in common. When we arrived in LA, we drove around UCLA for old times' sake. But nothing is ever the same and I always want it to be. (And the sun wasn't shining - in my mind's eye it was always sunny at UCLA!) UCLA has grown and the old UCLA Med Center where I worked to help put myself through school is no longer standing. The Medical Center is now many centers and that original building has been replaced. Westwood, the "village" of LA where UCLA stands is nothing like I remember it. There are high rises where my favorite coffee shop was, and the shops are very different. We then drove out to Pacific Palisades to stay with my dear friend Barbara (from UCLA days) and her husband Fred. Barbara and I have known each other since 1961! Now that's a long time. We had a great visit with them, as usual.

Feeling Much Better... About Everything!

Today was a great day. My weight dropped somewhat, but not enough to post. I walked yesterday and today first thing in the morning and so I felt good all day long because I was taking charge instead of feeling helpless.

I returned to Paradise Valley Community College today to teach ESL after being away since the spring semester ended in early May. It just feels great to be appreciated. There were hugs from students I had last year, and there were many new students that I look forward to getting to know. I had more students today than I've ever had. There were students from China, Iraq, Iran, Russia, Ukraine, Ethiopia, Mexico, Palestine, and Peru. The students include a 20 year old from China, who had arrived in the U.S. last month. I also have a Russian chemistry professor, who wants to improve his English so that he can work as a scientist here. Each student has a story to tell and I applaud their courage and initiative, and their desire to improve their lives as evidenced by their hard work to improve their English.

I'll be gone for the next few days as I mentioned in yesterday's post. I'll connect at the beginning of next week.

OUCH!

No, I'm not posting my weight today. I don't think I have ever not posted it. But it's too painful to acknowledge. On the other hand, I had an absolutely wonderful time with my family on the east coast. No, I didn't binge, I didn't go crazy, and we didn't eat out all of the time. But being away from home gets me out of my routine and "that's" what happens.

I am on Twitter and constantly get invited to follow various Twitter sites. This morning I checked one out and loved this quote that read: "The road to success is always under construction". Lily Tomlin is credited with this quote. I doubt she had weight loss/maintenance on her mind when she wrote it, but I find it comforting.

And, we are traveling again but just for a couple of days. We will be attending the memorial service of a dear friend from our UCLA days. In fact, he and his wife introduced Jeff and me to each other. We are saddened by this loss. So, there will be some days without a post.

181.2 On The Road Again

Heading back to see family on the east coast including the wee little Zuzu. Check in now and then but for sure I'll be back at it on the 15th of September. I'll be weighing everyday and watching those carbs. How can I fail?

181.2 Carbs and Fat - Yikes!

My brother in law Phil sent me this article from Men's Health magazine. (http://www.menshealth.com/travel-center/diet-strategies-travel-and-weight-loss?cm_mmc=Twitter-_-MensHealth-_-Content-BestLife-_-TravelingMansEatingPlan.) I am reprinting a portion of it, because it really makes sense about the carbs in our diets and how they work against us as we try to control our weight.


"Rules of the Road

Any man who travels regularly needs a flexible, no-thought eating strategy. So we asked Jeff Volek, Ph.D., R.D., a nutrition researcher at the University of Connecticut, to create an effective diet that allows for indulgence without the need for calorie counting. His solution: a low-carb diet with benefits.

A quick explanation: Every time you eat high-carb foods—bread, pasta, rice, any product made with sugar or flour—the level of insulin in your blood rises. Insulin is a powerful hormone that signals your body to stop burning and start storing fat. How powerful? Volek and his colleagues asked 20 men to follow a strict low-carb diet for 6 weeks. But instead of telling them to downsize their portions, the scientists encouraged the study participants to eat all they wanted. When the results were tallied, the men had still dropped an average of 7 pounds of fat and had significantly lowered their risk of heart disease. "We calculated that 70 percent of the variability in fat loss was explained by the reduction in insulin levels," says Volek. "That's a powerful effect."

Now think about that in reverse. If you're constantly downing carbs, as most Americans do, you'll be in fat-storing mode all day long. And you don't need a study to tell you what that's done to our collective waistline.

So Volek counseled Baier to adopt low-carb eating as his default diet and to make high-carb meals an exception. Try it yourself and you'll limit your number of daily insulin spikes, keeping your body in fat-burning mode most of the time. After all, when it comes to your gut, "most of the time" is what matters."

This explanation of carbs in relation to storing fat will really make me think twice before eating carbs. I'm still hung up on wanting to eat a lot of fruit, but I guess I will have to become very aware of how many carbs a given serving of fruit has and plan well.

182.6 Labor Day and a Clean Closet

I don't know if it's because this is Labor Day weekend, or if we just got the bug, but today we tackled our closet which meant I had to face getting rid of more clothes. I don't know why I have hung onto so many things that don't fit anymore. Part of it is that I don't want to have such an empty looking closet. But we rearranged, sorted out, and ended up with a couple of big bags to go to the Goodwill and it looks so much better.

I still have a few things that just fill me with great memories when I look at them. I think it's okay to keep them a while longer.

182.4 It's Late!

I think this is the latest at night that I have written a post for this blog. I had a great day, a busy day, and we just returned home after being out with friends. So life is good even if my weight isn't where I want it to be.

My walking buddy has returned and we walked this morning. It felt great and we are heading out tomorrow morning, too. But before long, Jeff and I will be flying to Boston and my routine will be totally thrown up in the air - in a very good way! We'll be with our east coast family and that is always very special. I think I will be careful about what I eat (lots of great seafood), but wait until we return and then put some serious thought and ENERGY into getting back to where I want to be!

181.2 Is This Okay?

A week ago I accidentally spilled bleach on my favorite pair of black cargo shorts from Chico's. I loved these shorts and am brokenhearted that I can't replace them. Chico's doesn't have any more black in my size, nor can I get them on line. If you can feel devastated by this kind of loss, I do.

Wednesday I went shopping and bought a top that I just love! And today I went and bought another top, just like the one I bought on Wednesday. (I know that this behavior was triggered by the bleach incident.) This is not a T shirt. This is a special top to wear with dress pants or jeans, depending on my mood and/or the occasion, and it is distinctive. I have bought several pairs of the same pants/jeans if they fit well, but I've never done it with a special top.

I just told my daughter Miranda about my purchase and how I felt like I have done something bizarre and extravagant, and that I feel a little guilty. She listened well and then with a smile in her voice agreed that it was okay, but cautioned me that two were enough! Love that girl!

180. A New Normal

My friend Loretta and I have both had our share of medical issues over the past few months and we've been each others cheerleader and confidente through it all. Today we were talking and I told her I just wanted everything to get back to normal. We both started laughing because now we have no idea what normal is and we are wondering what the new normal will look like. I think it is going to look just great and that's all that really matters, right? :)

180.6 Just Wondering...

Briefly :), today I went to a foot specialist because I have had a fungus under my big toenail, and, even though I have taken a 6 month RX of Lamosil, it is still lovin' livin' with me. So the doctor told me in 5 different ways that I had 3 choices of what to do about it. I felt like a smart kindergartner. I got it the first time through the options, but he kept repeating himself. Is this behavior because he sees an older woman who probably isn't all there? Or, does it look like I just don't get it? This was not rocket science. I tried my mirroring skills and said "so you are saying..." and he still kept repeating my options. You'll be delighted to know that I have chosen the option of doing nothing since a little toe fungus never hurt anyone unless they have an at risk immune system. So far, at least, that doesn't pertain to me. In fact, early on, in the conversation, we agreed that I didn't need to be concerned with an inadequate immune system. Sometimes, I just shake my head, on purpose :). ( I do have a little head tremor, but that's another post!)

180.8 Thanks!

I really want to say thank you to all of you who make comments. In general these are comments that encourage me and support me. Sometimes I get comments with good information or suggestions. All of the comments are so welcome and I just want to put it out there that it means more than you'll ever know.

Writing a blog is quite a lonely undertaking. I never know if people read it or care until I get a comment or email. So again, thanks so much. I am hanging in there. Today was a better day. I even went shopping and bought some new motivational pants so that means I'm on my way. When I started this blog about 2 years ago I had no idea where it would lead and definitely didn't think I'd be writing this kind of post. But life is good, even though it can be very unpredictable. Thanks.

181.6 Being In A Good Place

I haven't liked these posts lately but I am staying true to my promise to keep writing. I'm pretty sick of not feeling well and it is definitely getting in my way in more ways than just this blog. What's bothering me is that there is nothing huge wrong with me, but I just don't feel free. I'm on more drugs now (for the allergic reaction in my face), and that always makes me feel a little edgy. And, I want to quit thinking about/worrying about what's going on with me.

The food issues are slowly getting back in control - today has been a good day without feeling hungry or wanting to eat to move into a haze. I am staying present and aware and that's a good place to be.

180.2 Rambling Thoughts

Well, I didn't go to the party last night which was a good decision, although Jeff went and a great time was had by all. One thing I am so grateful about in our lives are the wonderful friends we have found here. The depth of many of the friendships astounds me since we have known most of these folks for 3 years or less. When you make a big move like we did, a lot of things are risked in the process. Probably the scariest for us was thinking about building new relationships.

Our daughters survived hurricane Irene without too much disruption although Miranda and her family lost power so went to stay with our daughter Alee, and Scott. Nobody has a flooded basement or other damage so a good sleep will be had by all tonight.

I'm still wondering why my face blew up, but it is a little better today and should be much better tomorrow. It does feel prickly most of the time and itches, but that's it in the complaint department.

181.2 Craziness Abounds

No, I haven't started the 17 day diet and am still reading the book. One thing I've picked up on while reading it is the fact that the author has repeated the phrase "you have to believe that this will work" several times already. I totally agree with that. And often just believing will help make success real as illustrated when people are given placebos, for example.

I woke up this morning with a swollen face. I still look a bit like the creature from the black lagoon. Our physicians' office here has Saturday morning hours so off I went and came home with prednisone. Since I had added nothing new and/or different to my diet yesterday I'll never know what triggered this allergic reaction. Looking on the positive side, my wrinkles have almost totally disappeared. I'm supposed to go to a dinner party tonight but feel less than good. In fact, I feel worse than I look. I'm not sure whether I'll go or not. I'll go to sleep for a while now and see how I feel when I wake up. But I do wonder what caused this! I like answers.

182.2 OMG

OMG! (I read that short blogs are better than long ones!)

180.6 Thinking About Something New!

I bought a book today that you've probably been hearing about called the 17 Day Diet. Ever since I started this weight loss adventure about 3 years ago I have not followed a strict diet of any kind. But I really need to "kick it up" as Emeril likes to say and am thinking about trying this. After all, it is only 17 days and then after that more and more foods are integrated into each day's food choices. But first, I have to read about it, and get through this weekend that is full of friends and eating out. But next week we are eating at home every night, so far, so if it looks doable to me I'll give it a try.

But in the midst of the 17 days, I just realized, we will be in Bar Harbor with our family. But let me read about it first before I put up any obstacles... one of my best talents! If any of you have done this diet I'd love to hear from you.

180.2 Getting Back In The Groove

Is that the same as getting my groove back? I never read the book with the title that alluded to getting the groove back so I hope it's a safe reference :). But I do feel as though I'm beginning to return to the more disciplined life and it feels good. No, I won't make you all gag by saying it feels groovy! Talk about dating myself!

Yesterday, I wrote about doing self hypnosis again and how it didn't involve deprivation or exercise. But in fact during it, increasing exercise and eating carefully became a part of the session. So there I am, lying on the bed in hypnosis and then realized what I had written and what was happening. It did strike me funny.

I went shopping today and was scared to death that nothing would fit me. But all is well on that score so I'm ok. Hope you are too. (And my pedicure definitely fit!)

180.6 Self Hypnosis

One of the things I realize that I have not been doing that was part of the weight loss program that I worked on with Jennifer Scott is self hypnosis. I have written about wanting to get back into that zone of weight loss and hypnosis played a big part in the 80 pound weight loss. So now I have something else to add to my to do list everyday. It is odd that I let that go because it doesn't take more than about 15 minutes, there is no deprivation or exercise involved :), and I know it will help me.

Hmmmm....!

180.0 Staying Healthy

What a day, but a great day. I've decided to accept every opportunity/invitation to go do things and so I was out all day until now, and it's 7:30 pm. My day did include a visit to my physiatrist - no, not psychiatrist - who oversees all my back, neck rehab issues. I was with a Russian ESL student this morning, a couple of dear friends for lunch and a couple hours of hearing all about their summer escapades to various places, then the medical appointment, dinner out, a visit to the cell phone store and finally home. It was a good day.

I wrote last week about organizing my time, making lists and always trying to create something everyday. It has helped tremendously to keep me focused on goals and as a result I've also made some interesting pieces of jewelry. Having house guests put some welcome activity into my days as well as structure and all of that is helpful. So life is good now, better than a couple of weeks ago.

The fact that we had guests and dinner either out or prepared by me didn't help the weight issues, but I'm trying to keep things in perspective without giving in, and will keep pursuing the goal of losing a few pounds, keeping the exercise going and most importantly staying healthy!

179.0 Comfort Food For A Hot Day?

It is so hot here even I'm getting tired of it. It's not one of the hottest days or even close to it, but I think I'm just tired of it. But, it is supposed to get much hotter during the week. Oh well, I'm not all achy so I really shouldn't complain.

Our house guests are still here. They are actually house hunting in this heat. It's funny but I kind of want to prepare something special for them, sort of a comfort food for the heat. Ice cream comes to mind, not that I would make it at home with loving hands, but I don't think that's a great idea. I have lots of fresh fruit and fat free cream. I think that will be the house specialty along with a big green salad with shrimp and avocado and a few tomatoes. Come on over!

Guess that is all for now. Hope you are having a good Sunday.

179.0 Where Is It?

I've been spending the last couple of days with a good friend who also lost a lot of weight and like me has regained some of it. She agreed with me that for some reason it seems hard to re-envision how we lost the weight. Where did the magic, the power go that allowed us to know exactly how to manage food, temptation, etc., like we did a short time ago. Where did it go?

We really hashed it out. She was on a much stricter program of real deprivation while she lost her weight and once she "lost" it - the weight and the mental power - she just started eating out of control, and hit the ice cream really hard! I really haven't done that. I think I've just added more calories with larger portions of usually healthy food so that I've slowly put weight on. I thought it was interesting that we both felt like we'd been abandoned by whatever it was that allowed us to eat so carefully and lose weight. And what exactly was it? Desire to lose weight, need, challenge? Who knows, but I sense it was all three and I think we both want to rediscover that magic!

178.8 Is It Water or Fat?

This is a great site that Phil sent to me. I love the one acknowledgement that when we gain weight it's caused by water retention, but when we lose weight we lose FAT! That's how I always have thought about it!
http://www.ingredientsinc.net/2011/08/what-are-your-diet-pitfalls/

We have house guests so this will be it for today. Hope you are looking forward to a great weekend.

178.8 Attitude

One of my friends ends every email with this saying: Attitude is so important! Have a good one!

Another friend called this morning and recommended the book The Happiness Project. I've just downloaded it onto my iPhone and look forward to listening to it.

So maybe I'm okay! I just need a little or big attitude adjustment about where I am in life. This sounds like a good path to take as I move on.

No, I'm no longer high on vicodin. I woke up this morning pain free and feeling good, and ready to go do my water workout. I heard on the news this morning that the low during the night was 93 degrees so I'm sure the water will be very warm!! How's that for a good attitude!

180.0 Big Day

I'm being facetious! The only thing big about today was that a big molar was extracted and now I'm high on vicodin. But I kept my word to myself to post everyday and I'm feeling no pain!

Happy 80th Birthday, Phil. May we all stay young as gracefully and actively as you have. You are an inspiration.

180.2 Making A List And Checking It Twice

So after I talked to Priscilla I followed my list for yesterday and completed everything. So what did I create? I put together a necklace and a funky bracelet. The necklace may be a gift, but I think I'll keep the bracelet for myself. What's really cool about the jewelry designing is how it happens. I had all of these elements in my stash but had never been moved to put them together in something wearable. It's one of those who knew moments!

List making may actually be in the genes, genes I didn't get so I have to train myself to make lists. But Jeff has always been a list maker and a very productive guy. Our son (a non-list maker) called last week to say that his youngest, Julien, had told him that they needed to make a list of all the things that needed to be done before he left for his first day of kindergarten. Ted has said more than once that raising Julien is like living with his father!

(Prill suggested I have a special little notebook to keep for my lists. I searched in my stuff and found a little journal with a great big W on the front. This journal had come in a grab bag as a "gift" from Michaels, the craft store. I had wondered when I saw it about what in the world I would do with it since I couldn't think of anyone I knew who would like it. But when I saw it yesterday I knew exactly what the W stood for. What in the World Will you do to make your life Worthwhile!)

180.6 Beginning To Move Away From Chaos

I'm trying to put more discipline in my life and so not writing a post isn't an option anymore. My sister Priscilla called this morning to encourage me. She suggested that every night I make a list of things to do the following day. I like this suggestion. It will give form to my day and will help with the chaos of not knowing how to spend my time. We also talked about the importance of getting out of the house everyday, something I have tended not to do, especially this summer. So I made a list for today and will write another tonight for tomorrow.

One of the things I put on my list for today is "create". That word wrote itself and so I"ll pay particular attention to it. I'm not sure what today will bring in terms of creativity, but I'm excited to find out. Life is too good to waste staring at a computer without purpose which I had to admit to Prill that I have found myself doing. So now I can cross off write blog post from my list and can move on. This feels good!

Prill and me... a long time ago!

180.2 Ripples of Change

I've been thinking about this "weight loss journey or adventure" as I have referred to this experience of losing all of the weight. As you read, getting to the point of achieving success was indeed quite a journey, but once finding myself there as been very challenging. I'm thinking about all sorts of scenarios that might be similar to where I find myself now. For example, working extremely hard to get a promotion and then finding the work very different from what was imagined. Or moving to that dream house and then being faced with all the challenges of making it into a real home including finding a comfort zone with new neighbors, helping children to settle into new schools, etc. Change begets change begets change. I did go to church today so maybe that's why I'm thinking in terms of begets :). Is that what "nothing's over til it's over" is all about?

I've really appreciated the encouragement to keep writing this blog. It was definitely part of the disciplined life I was living as I was in the process of losing the weight. Not writing it has added to the maintenance chaos I've experienced and so I'll work to make it a part of every day once again.

180.4 Answers and Questions

My daughter responded to yesterday's post with this comment:

I wonder if it's not taking the weight loss for granted, but the disappointment that it hasn't changed your life in every single possible way. People say all the time, if I only had more money, if I only lost those 20 pounds, if I only had a new car:) everything would be great and I will never feel sad, mad, lonely again. While weight loss/healthy living is a wonderful and healthy thing and does often change our lives for the better, it doesn't solve everything. And that's disappointing. Does this make any sense?

This makes perfect sense but I'm not sure that's where I am. What I am hearing in my heart and mind is that I have slipped back into old habits of less exercise and eating more, and eating less carefully. But why did I slip back after all of that work? Is there a stasis that we can't control without fighting it all of the time? I wrote recently that I thought maintenance would be easy or at least much easier than it has turned out to be.

So now the question is why did I fall back into old habits and maybe that's what Alee's addressed in her comment above. And another question is how am I going to go forward? I think I have already outlined the plan... more exercise and eating more carefully, with more care in terms of choices and amounts. Of course the over-riding question is how much do I want to do this?

180.0 Loss, Maintenance, Remorse

Now this is really something! One of my friends became inspired by my weight loss and we've had several conversations in person and via email about how I lost the weight and how he was handling food issues. I just got an email from him this morning and he's lost 12 pounds! I am so happy for him, but... did I attract that weight on to me?

I've been thinking a lot about the bump up in my weight and wonder if it is a little like buyer's remorse. Another friend of mine lost a lot of weight and has put a chunk back on. And another friend of mine achieved a total body make over through exercise and weight loss. In fact she won a women's body building competition and now seems to be suffering from depression.

What is it about getting what we want and then not appreciating it enough to live into the changes. What makes maintaining the change so difficult? I was convinced that by taking the weight off slowly and thoughtfully, consciously, I would be able to maintain the loss easily. That hasn't proven to be the case. There are lots of explanations/excuses I can give for the weight gain, but it really doesn't matter. Especially after my recent stroke scare, I need to work very hard at staying healthy. Weight loss is good! Remorse is not!

178.2 Living My Life With Tiramisu

Honeymoon Celebration!

Here's something to write about! Jeff and I just celebrated our 46th anniversary. We had a great day. It was a gorgeous day so we headed down to our very special place to go for special occasions, Lon's at the Hermosa Inn in Paradise Valley. We went for a late brunch and it was divine. Those who know me well know that I love tiramisu and because it was our anniversary the restaurant presented us with a complimentary dessert that happened to be Mexican Chocolate Tiramisu! OMG, it was the best I have ever had.

I'm working on letting go of all of the stroke issues and just living my life. My neurologist said that if I take a full aspirin a day I should stay out of trouble. And he said to go live my life! And so I am!

179.6 last of the almost 600 daily posts

I've decided I won't continue to post everyday but will post when the spirit moves me and so I hope you'll check in now and then. Since it's getting tedious for me I've decided to change the pace.

You'll definitely hear from me when I get at least five of these ten pounds off!

179.6 Lots of Little Things

I was rereading some of my posts today while I was looking for the one about too much quinine water. Now I'm wondering if the quinine was the cause of my tingly face and numb thumb. It's been suggested to me that maybe the cause of my recent rash, tingling, numb thumb issues may be shingles! Tomorrow I'm heading back to my doctor to figure this out.

But as I was reading some of the posts, I was thinking that this blog is as much a reflection of my moods as it is about my weight. Hmmmm!

So how did our date go yesterday? Halfway through the movie Tree of Life Jeff developed a horrendous migraine headache. The movie was pretty intense and upsetting so I was glad to leave before the end of it. So, we headed straight home without going to a new restaurant that I had chosen from a list of seven top Scottsdale restaurants. You know, you can plan and think you are going to have a great time and most of the time you do. Yesterday wasn't one of those times.

179.4 You Are What You Eat

This post could be entitled "You Are What You Eat", or "My Blue Period". I just tried to call my sister Priscilla who knows all things art history-wise, but sadly she wasn't home. I know there's at least one well known artist (well known because I have a memory of this) who was known for his blue period. As I gathered my food and dishes for my breakfast I realized they were all blue toned, from my blackberry yogurt, to my berries, to my dishes. But I don't feel especially blue today. My weight doesn't make me feel yellow (my color for feeling really great), and to be honest, maybe my mood is basically just a lighter shade of blue than my breakfast.

People often talk about not eating white, meaning potatoes, rice, pasta. Has there been conversation about eating blue? Maybe I can start the conversation since it represents very healthy eating.

Sorry about how it looks like I have loaded tons of butter onto my Ezekiel toast. It's Smart Butter and is probably the least healthy part of my meal, but it is low fat and low calorie.

So I'm planning a surprise date for Jeff and me this afternoon, and that will turn this blue day into bright yellow! Hope you will have a great day, too.

179.0 Blissfully Uncomplicated

That's probably a crazy title for this post, but things seem simpler now, not so scary and complicated. Yes, I have severe osteoarthritis in my neck causing impingement on some of the nerves that I perceive as numbness, hair on my face, little things like that :). But the MRI came back with that information so I'm feeling good because it is what I expected. So now I'm in the process of figuring out the next steps so I can take care of this. These decisions may be a little complicated, but since I've been through similar things with my back, I can deal with it.

Because now I totally understand what is going on, I went over and did the elliptical for a grand total of 26 minutes, and I'll do my pool workout in a few minutes. (It was funny... when I didn't know, I didn't want to do much exercise. I was a little off kilter!) So life is getting back to normal and for that I am very thankful.

178.2 Hanging In There

Sometimes I just have to hang in there. After my roller coaster week I went back to the basics of listening to my weight loss CDs made by Jennifer Scott, drinking lots of water, reaffirming in my own mind that I want to get back in the 170 range, and being kind to myself. When I listen to the CDs purposefully, I realize where I have been and how much more I enjoy being slender than carrying around all of that extra weight. That phrase "staying conscious" is so important to my being able to stick with this. I don't really have a choice if I want to live the best life I can. There is no way that gaining more weight back is going to enhance my quality of life, and isn't that what this is all about?

178.8 A Stressful Patch

I'll just put this out there - I feel like stuffing myself and I'm not even hungry. But I am stressed out! Today I saw my PCP who is so great. He answered all my questions, reassured me about all my fears, and ordered an MRI for my neck. I love this doctor. As I was leaving, he put his arm around my shoulders and walked me to the exit. I was able to get an appointment for the MRI today and have just returned from having that done. That's all good, but it was hard to ask if what showed up on the CT scan that suggested I had had a stroke was related to indications of Alzheimer's. He said no. And if all I have is a pinched nerve in my neck (or two) what then? On top of all that, I saw a dental implant specialist today who wants to charge me $2000 more than my general dentist estimated! Hello! What's up with that!!

So I'm sitting here eating Vic's Lite Salt Popcorn. It's time to put it away and go get in the pool and do my work out. Tomorrow is going to be a much better day!

179.2 It's About My Neck

Another crazy day in hot, humid, yes humid, Scottsdale. It does get humid here at this time of year. It frequently rains in the late afternoon and is really hot. I think it's about 108 degrees right now.

The symptoms that sent me to the ER on Friday are back and a little stronger, but I know it's my neck, not a stroke or heart attack so I'll see my PCP tomorrow. When I called to see if I could get in to see my doctor today, I was told he had gone for the day and that I should go to the ER. I about burst into tears and said I had been there over the weekend and just want an MRI of my neck. I know I'm right. My inner spirit, that inner voice tells me that it is my neck not a stroke. So hopefully tomorrow I'll learn what's up in my neck. (I already know that I have a boney growth near my spinal cord in my neck. It probably just wants a little attention :) .)

So I'm going to get in my pool, and try to relax!

179.0 More Exercise, Fewer Carbs

I remember writing probably a year ago that exercise was easy to accomplish. Just do it, I wrote. But for some reason, now I put off doing it. I find all sorts of excuses for why I can't do it, and I'm writing this at this moment because I know I should get going but don't want to. It's odd that I find myself with this frame of mind. I think that it may have to do with getting out of the habit, and I could list lots of reasons (aka excuses) for that. I need to press reset and get back into the habit so that it is more automatic. Less thought Sue! Just do it!

I'm also thinking about limiting carbs, especially after mid afternoon. I do eat a lot of fruit for a late afternoon snack, and often for dessert, and again before bed. I don't eat the white carbs (potato, rice, pasta) much at all, any time night or day. So here we go on a new search to discover why I am stuck again. (I was talking to a great friend of mine last night about the haboob, the big dust storm we had out here recently. Maybe I need a big haboob in my life to shake me up. But wait! I just had one with the stroke diagnosis. Sue, sign off and get moving.)

179.0 Friday Was Not A Good Day

Friday, the day I ended up in the ER, was not a good day for another reason. A woman whom I had met the day before also ended up in the same hospital. Unfortunately, her diagnosis will not be changed.

After meeting her on Thursday, I saw her again on Friday morning and introduced her to my friend and walking buddy Linda. She explained to us that she used a walker because she had peripheral neuropathy in her left leg. (That makes my numb thumb seem much less significant.) After chatting for a bit, Linda and I walked on ahead of her and suddenly heard her cry out for help. She was in the middle of the street and had fallen. We raced back to help her and realized that she was badly hurt. To make a long story short, she was taken to the hospital and I learned that she had suffered a broken hip. She's 87 years old and now needs hip replacement surgery. I've been thinking that it is a little odd that we both had medical issues on the same day, we ended up at the same hospital, and that we both have neuropathy issues, and we live on the same street.

I woke up this morning more determined than ever to take care of myself. Accidents happen all of the time, and most accidents are just that, accidents. We think she walked into a low hanging tree branch and lost her balance trying to move away from the branch quickly. I hope that when I am 87 I will have the spunk that this gal has. I expect to see her out walking before too long with her new hip.

? My Numb Thumb And More

If you look you'll see that I didn't post my weight. Why? Well, it all started with my numb thumb. Yesterday morning I woke up and soon realized that my left thumb was totally numb. I'd been warned to pay attention to numbness in my limbs due to my back and neck issues. So I called my doctor who said that I needed to go to the ER because she couldn't see me and with the weekend approaching, she didn't want me to let it go until Monday. So off I went convinced that I probably had a pinched nerve in my neck and that was a problem I could get taken care of. Well, before I knew it, I had an EKG, a blood draw and a CT Scan and a diagnosis of stroke! OMG, Jeff and I were both in a state of shock and I was in total denial. All I had was a numb thumb and they were talking about a cardiologist and an echo cardiogram, a physical therapist, and an MRI, and that I would have to stay overnight.

I'm home now and guess what? I didn't have a stroke. I have a numb thumb. (The medical term is radial nerve sensory branch neuropathy.) To be fair, there was a area on the CT scan that looked like damage from a stroke, according to the neurologist, but in fact it wasn't related to a recent stroke or maybe not related to a stroke at all. I'm not sure if I even had the presence of mind to ask why there was this area in my brain that caused all of the confusion. I was so happy hearing him say I was fine, I really couldn't focus. And so about 30 hours after I drove myself to the ER, I'm home, feeling elated and exhausted and ready to go get in my pool, and put my fears away and enjoy my health and my life.

178.2 What's It All About, Charlee?

During the time that I worked with Jennifer, she made me hypnosis CD's to help me with the weight loss. I have downloaded most of them onto my iPhone and listen to them before bed or whenever. I had noticed this phenomenon before but it happened again today and it really makes me wonder about what is going on. I get all set to go into this state of hypnosis, stretched out, eyes closed, truly relaxed, and all of a sudden Charlee will be in my face, licking my lips (yuck), patting my arm with her paw, etc. She keeps at it until I stop, give her attention, and finally, in desperation, put her out of the bedroom. It is funny but I don't understand it. I can listen to an audio book and she could care less, but let me try to listen to Jennifer and forget it. I wonder if Jennifer would make a hypnosis CD for Charlee? :)

179.0 Where Is The Wiggle Room?

I just mistyped my weight and saw 199 when I looked up! Yikes! It's hard enough to acknowledge my weight as it is without adding 20 pounds. I met Jennifer at the Paradise Bakery this morning and she asked me why I thought I had gained weight while in Boston, why is it was so hard to just eat the right thing? I told her that there is a part of me that wants to be able to eat what I want or at least have some room to stray a bit now that I lost all of the weight. The fact of the matter is that I don't have much if any wiggle room. I need to always be vigilant and not think I can indulge with food. Hmmmmmmm!

178.6 A Lifelong Pursuit

Disappointed and unsure why it popped up again. Let's hear it for salt...maybe. Oh well, this is a lifelong pursuit, not something that I will ever be able to just put aside and not deal with.

I just talked to my son Ted who was remembering how I was when his boys were little guys and I couldn't really play with them because of my back issues that were exacerbated by my weight, and how different I am with them now. I do play with them and they love it. If that isn't motivation to stay with the program, I don't know what would be. Thanks, Ted.

178.0 The Carb Issue

This is not news to anyone, but the awareness of it in my everyday life is news. Carbs are not good for me! I had pretty much cut out carbs except for fruit at night, but slipped hard off the wagon while we were in Boston. Please don't ask why because I don't have a rational answer. But since returning home, I have pretty much cut out all carbs after breakfast when I usually have about a half cup of healthy dry cereal with fruit and yogurt.

Something I also became aware of is that when I was eating more carbs, I had more problems with my legs and ankles swelling. (Remember my cankles when I was much heavier?) So I'm still living (thank goodness) and learning (thank goodness)! And so it goes!