186.2 Christmas Memories and Tears of Happiness

I've written in the past about not being able to feel things, to not being able to respond with much emotion. Today I bawled, I sobbed, I cried, but nothing bad or sad had happened. I was listening to Here and Now on PRI and was overwhelmed with memories of things past while hearing the segment on holiday choral music. Robin Young, the anchor, had her high school choral director from many years ago on the show with his choices for best holiday choral works. He's Jewish and joked about how he's the Jew who loves Christmas music most.
http://hereandnow.wbur.org/2011/12/19/christmas-choir-music

Just hearing this music brought back so many memories of my time singing in choirs all through junior and senior high school in Palo Alto, California with our dear choir director, Marjorie Klein.

My sister Priscilla with husband Phil are here already as our family begins to gather for Christmas. As I get older, I realize that it is memories not gifts that really make Christmas special. Here we go ~ and part of that are memories of delicious foods that are special to the holiday. This year I'm into enjoying small amounts of wonderful food. I've really learned that beating myself up about what I eat isn't helpful. Being mindful and grateful is the way to go.

183.0 Can I Just Say...?

Can I just say that sometimes I am blown away by experiencing life, my life. I think that I "know what to expect", if not control much of it, and today I was reminded that things happen that I never expected.

Today is Thursday, my ESL teaching day, and as I was walking away from the classroom toward my car I was filled with such gratitude that I know these people and have a chance to interact with them every week. I wish I could introduce them to all those who might question why I do this.

I've written about having each of the students embark on a challenge of their choosing each week. Today I learned that one of the men with his two sons hiked down to the floor of the Grand Canyon and then back up all in the same day. He laughed as he told us that one of his sons still thinks he was crazy to want to do that. A woman in the class is a swimming instructor and is teaching a deaf 13 year old how to swim. The young girl is not only deaf but was terrified of the water, and my ESL student had her calmly floating in the pool. One of my challenges is trying to keep up with these magnificent folks!

I'm into my second day of writing everything down - so far so good!

180.2 Rambling Thoughts

Well, I didn't go to the party last night which was a good decision, although Jeff went and a great time was had by all. One thing I am so grateful about in our lives are the wonderful friends we have found here. The depth of many of the friendships astounds me since we have known most of these folks for 3 years or less. When you make a big move like we did, a lot of things are risked in the process. Probably the scariest for us was thinking about building new relationships.

Our daughters survived hurricane Irene without too much disruption although Miranda and her family lost power so went to stay with our daughter Alee, and Scott. Nobody has a flooded basement or other damage so a good sleep will be had by all tonight.

I'm still wondering why my face blew up, but it is a little better today and should be much better tomorrow. It does feel prickly most of the time and itches, but that's it in the complaint department.

174.2 Wonderful Response, Great Friend!

One of the many things I've learned is that you don't always know what another person is thinking, or how they view you or others. I have really appreciated all of the encouragement in the form of comments, emails, etc. This morning I received the following email from a very good friend that I've known for about 35 years and was filled with gratitude when reading her message. Here's what she wrote:

That is a great video, Sue. It was too short, but it was really good. I know you are pleased with the results of all the time and work spent on losing the weight. I'm used to seeing you as you are now, so it was a surprise to see those "before" pictures that are painful to you. For me, I'm happy that you are happier being back to the thin person you used to be, but as a good friend, I love you no matter what your weight. Your weight never even "weighed" in to our friendship from my point of view.

Thanks, JoAnne. Thanks for reminding me about what really matters between friends.

174.4 The Entertainer Within!

I just got out of the pool after doing my water dancing and singing, as I like to think of it. It is so much more fun when I think of it that way than as aquatic therapy. Because of my back, I really can't dance for very long anymore, but I can jog in the water and sing along with my Mamma Mia songs, and pretend I'm entertaining thousands of people at a concert! Who could ask for anything more?

Oh, I know! The reviews are going to be absolutely terrific! If I hadn't had all of my back issues I would never have discovered this entertainer within!

I am getting back into the exercise mode with more energy and enthusiasm than I have had over the past few months. My walking friends are here, the weather is beautiful, and our pool is warm enough for me to get in and love it. I'm filled with gratitude!

174.2 Being Satisfied

We just came home after looking at some houses that are for sale. We really aren't interested in moving, but on the other hand, the prices are low enough to make it tempting. I decided that if we don't move we'll regret it and if we do move we'll regret it. We love our home, but it's a little small. If we moved we'd be into more furniture, more expenses associated with living in a larger home, and most of the time this house is plenty big enough for us. And, we have great neighbors!

It's sort of like my face and weight and shape now. I think I can just be satisfied and filled with gratitude about the home we have, how I look, and what I weigh. Now, I'm glad that's settled! :)

171.0 Going Inward

I've written about my inner voice, that inner spirit that I have learned to call on whenever I need support, information, comfort. After writing yesterday's post about whether I need to lose more weight, this is what I learned by going inward and asking for help.

Stay present in your life, stay aware of what and how much you are eating, and most importantly keep up the exercise. Exercise builds a framework for your everyday life and will trigger all of the good habits that you have developed. Let your body decide what weight it wants to be and it will find a way to make that a reality. For good health, you don't need to lose more weight but you do need keep up the exercise and take good care of yourself. Love your body most of all.

There's not much to add to that except that I feel gratitude for this help. Now let's see what happens.

171.0 Gratitude Vs Pride

A while ago our minister gave a sermon on gratitude versus pride. He suggested that when we or someone we know does something special or very well, it is better to think of the accomplishment in terms of gratitude than pride.

I've been thinking about this. As most of you know, my 9 year old grandson saved his friend's life a couple of months ago by observing that his friend was choking, asking him if that was happening and then jumping up and doing the Heimlich maneuver causing the lodged peppermint disc to fly out of his friend's throat and mouth, thus allowing him to breathe normally again. Let me just say, I am so proud of him for his courage and so grateful that he had the confidence to do it. Sometimes, I think there is room to be proud and be filled with gratitude.

I'm often asked if I feel proud of myself for losing the 82 pounds and I am most likely to say that I am grateful for the help and encouragement I received and for the fact I was able to do it. It's not about pride or being proud. In my case it's all about the gratitude.

170.4 Happy Thanksgiving!

We just got home from a wonderful Thanksgiving feast at our friend's home. Most of the dishes were made with less fat and sugar and were absolutely fantastic! I'm learning, still learning how to do this and still be able to enjoy yummy flavors of old favorites!

We are off to San Francisco for the weekend to attend a wedding so won't be blogging until Tuesday.

As you can imagine, I am very thankful for all those who helped me reach my 80 pound weight loss goal. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for all of the wise and steadfast help from Jennifer Scott. And I owe a lot of thanks to Jeff for all the support and understanding he's given me over these past two and a half years, and, to all of you readers who directly or indirectly have given me encouragement. Thank you.

Hope you all had a very happy Thanksgiving.

174.8 On Becoming Younger, Healthier, and Happier

I am having a great 68th birthday! We all went hiking this morning, even Charlee our dog got to go, and I was thinking a lot about my recent birthdays and how I couldn't have done this hike with ease a year ago, and definitely not at all 2 or 3 years ago.

I just looked up my weight on my last birthday and I've lost 32 pounds over the year. It's a lot of weight, but not a spectacular amount for a year. But most importantly, I feel so much healthier and younger and happier. From the first visits with Jennifer Scott and on the hypnosis CDs that she made for me, she always talked about those three changes occurring as I lost weight. And hiking today I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the fact that all of that has indeed become my reality. When I was first seeing Jennifer I wanted to believe her, but her approach was all new to me and the sceptic in me was alive and well. No more! She was so right and I am so grateful for her help, wisdom and encouragement along the way. Today I feel more like 55 or 60!

Now that's something to celebrate!

188.7 Low Drone Vs. Fever Pitch

OMG, this is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. These last 20 pounds are an albatross around my neck and I find myself in a hurricane of embarrassment (I'll just get that out there), frustration and consternation that I am so stuck in this place and have been for so long. There are fits and starts of progress but I can't seem to sustain it. My inner voice has told me that I need to turn up the intensity with which I view this goal and finish this, that the volume is set at a low drone rather than the fever pitch of energy that I need to bring to this time in my weight loss journey.

I have lost 60 pounds and that's huge ~ so was I ~ and I do celebrate that, but I really want to get this next twenty pounds off. And yes, we've had house guests and social engagements, and yes, at least I haven't gained the weight back, but NO! I don't want to stay here.

So back to the gym, loving the elliptical, up the water, stay aware and focused, and be grateful for the progress I have made, knowing I want this goal to become my reality!

187.4 Loose Ends

We're expecting house guests momentarily and so it's now or never for my post for today. A few things have been floating around in my head that I think I want to blog about and then get I going on another theme. So today's theme is loose ends. (I just returned from teaching my ESL class and the word theme was one of our vocab words for today!) Anyway, I do want to say that it is really gratifying to hear from those you have shared with me the fact you've have lost weight as an outgrowth of reading this blog. My colleague at PVCC told me today she's lost 16 pounds now! She looks great, but more importantly, is confident that she is going to beat that threat of diabetes that she was facing. Each of you has your own reasons for wanting to lose weight and they are all as important as Allison's. So continue to hang in there, take it as slow as necessary, and keep reading the blog. I am hoping that by seeing how I have done it you can take what you want from my example and turn your desire to lose weight into you own success story.

Also, remember how I have complained about being hungry at night and often spoiling a day of good, careful eating by giving into the night hungers? I've posted new signs in my pantry and refrigerator. One says, "Sue, don't eat tonight. You've had a great day." The other says, "Sue, if you have to eat, eat an apple. Don't blow it!" I don't think those are mixed messages. One is in the best of all worlds and the other is if you can't do that, here's what to do.

So the weight continues to slowly give up and leave my body. I am so grateful for all the pieces that I have been able to put together to make this happen. Hope you are finding success, also, and would love to hear how you've managed to make it happen.

192.0 A Bad Night and a Difficult Day

Today started out to be a very difficult day. My weight has continued to go up and I know why. Last night I totally lost my focus and ate unconsciously and out of control. That really hasn't happened like this in a long time and it bothered the heck out of me that I did it.

This morning when I got on the scale I was filled with anger and disgust at myself about what I did last night. How could I have done that? #*#! happens and it sure happened last night. The good news is that I have been very upset and uncomfortable with the fact I over ate to the extent I did last night. I am determined that this is not going to become a pattern that I can ignore. I am fighting back.

So today I was able to start turning things around, and I spent some time repairing my spirit along with getting back on track. It was made a little more difficult because we went to a dinner party at the home of some dear friends. The hosts didn't know about my experience over the past 24 hours. They were hosting out of town guests who helped them prepare and serve an elegant, delicious meal with lots of healthy options so I enjoyed every bite. It worked out very well and we had a great time.

I'm fessing up because this blog is worthless if I'm not honest about what really is going on with me as I continue to face this challenge that I have given myself of losing 80 pounds. As I have said in earlier posts, it is definitely not an even slide down those numbers on the scale. So I'm back to staying aware of every bite, back to exercise, back to working on being filled with gratitude for my life.

194.6 Being In The Fray

You know, when I first started writing this blog I really didn't think that there would be many posts that would not be filled with the glory of my success. I knew that I was on a slow, steady course, but it has been a much bumpier road than I ever anticipated. But therein lies the truth of this blog and the truth of long term weight loss. It does reflect life which isn't always smooth and easy.

I just watched the Americans lose to Canada in ice hockey. I hope the Americans are filled with gratitude for being able to reach this place in Olympic history. We all want success all of the time, but being able to take on a challenge is such a big part of the overall picture.

Yes, I feel frustrated, and yes I wish I could be writing how wonderful it is to be losing weight easily, but it is not easy. On the other hand, I am so grateful for being in the fray instead of sitting around, 50 pounds heavier, and feeling bad because I can't do this. Being engaged in a challenge means I am alive and looking forward to continuing changes.

194.2 How Do You Know, Part 2

I've been thinking a lot about what I wrote yesterday regarding the question about how do you know if it is worth it to lose weight if you are older. I was 66 when I decided I had to get rid of the large amount of weight I was asking my body to drag around. I think I knew that I had reached a now or never place in my life... that I was either going to get with the program and lose the weight or I was just going to get bigger and heavier. And, the stenosis and arthritis in my spine had already made it painful to walk and I was just getting more and more disabled and dependent. But just because I had reached the decision point doesn't mean it's been easy. It hasn't been easy. I loved Kathleen's comment about the cookie that she made on yesterday's post. She wrote, ..."You have to want it more than you want the cookie. All the time. Even when the cookie is right there in front of you." She is so right, and that cookie is always going to be in front of me even when I reach my goal weight. My challenge then will be to figure out how often I can have that cookie without regaining any weight. (But that's another blog:), the one I may write as I am dealing with maintaining my weight.)

Having had time to think about this question a little more, I do think as we get older there are some subtle physical changes that are at work in our bodies that we can be unaware of that can really cause problems as we age, if we are carrying too much weight. As I've written, my issue certainly was my back. All the joints suffer as we age and so even if we think we look okay and feel okay, that doesn't mean that we aren't putting ourselves at risk.

Maybe the answer to this question, how do we know when weight loss is worth the effort, is easy. Maybe the answer is that it's always worth the effort because the weight is never doing any of us any favors. From my own experience, I can say that it is a wonderful kick to be able to get out of a chair, through a small space, or to walk quickly without giving it a second thought, or any thought. Now I just do it because I know I can. And that's a lot more gratifying than eating that cookie.

194.0 The Cake Conundrum

Today I went to PVCC to teach my ESL class. Once I arrived in the classroom one of my new students presented me with two slices of gorgeous looking bundt cake. I thanked her and was really touched by her overture. During the two hours that I taught, I would glance over and see the little baggy with the cake in it wondering how I was going to handle this. After class I thanked her once again and went to the kitchen area where I had to sign out. By now it was 12:15 and I had been working hard for two hours, and yes, I was hungry. Maybe you'll laugh, but I asked my inner spirit how in the world I was going to deal with this cake, and I heard that I should taste it, and then decide what I was going to do with the rest of it. So, I took a bite and slowly chewed it. It was delicious. Although I had thought it was simply chocolate and white cake, it was much more. I could taste cinnamon, I could taste nuts, and I could taste orange. And then I knew that one bite was just the right amount. I threw the rest away and haven't thought about it until now.

What's really cool is that in the old days I really wouldn't have even experienced the flavors until I had eaten most of it, if then. I would have taken large bites, chewed it quickly and swallowed it, ready to take another bite. This small bites and chewing slowly way of eating has real benefits!

What makes this way of losing weight different from other weight loss programs is that it is not about depriving myself of any food. I feel free to eat whatever I want, but the questions I always ask are how much do I want it, and how much am I going to eat. It's working!

195.6 Change and Gratitude

Last night's blog brought about a comment that simply stated, "Wowee"! I think it is even more appropriate for today since I am down another 6 ounces! And last night I had butternut nut squash soup with a delicious fig and mascapone toasted ravioli floating in it, beef tenderloin, and asparagus instead of risotto (all I did was ask, and no problem was the answer). It was a wonderful, delicious meal in an extraordinarily beautiful setting.

So how is it I lost 6 more ounces? I think I have stopped fighting with myself about all the reasons I couldn't make drastic changes. Well, I thought of them as drastic but in reality they really weren't that drastic. It just hasn't been that hard. Planning my food for the day first thing in the morning instead of waiting as time for a meal approached and then eating whatever, is not that hard. Doing more and varied exercise in one day is not that hard. Not eating three meals everyday is not that hard. What's hard for me is to figure out what I was afraid of, what was it that I didn't want to give up, why didn't I embrace these ideas as they were suggested to me instead of putting up mental road blocks.

I have definitely become more conscious of the fact that losing a large amount of weight has meant that I had to give up some things in order to make the changes. I had to give up the notion that I was disabled. I had to give up the notion that food was so important to me that I couldn't imagine being happy eating less and indulging myself less with food. I had to give up the notion that I couldn't do it because I couldn't exercise. I had to give up the old me, and you know, what has taken the place of that 247 pound disabled gal is a person that feels younger, is more agile, loves exercise and is beginning to take pride in how she looks and moves and lives. And, being conscious, being aware of the wonder of life within me and around me is such a gift and so much fun. I am filled with gratitude and wonder that I have actually lost 52 pounds. Furthermore, I am very aware of the need and desire to lose about, let's see, I believe we are now looking at only 25 more! Wowee!

208.8 I'll Go Out Walking...

I just came in from doing my water therapy.  While doing it, I was talking on the phone to my friend Barbara who I have known since my UCLA days.  She's the one I wrote about a while back who walks five miles everyday on the beach near her home.  Sadly she hasn't been able to walk since late August because she broke her foot.  And, her foot isn't healing well and there was a lot of frustration in her voice. What really has her upset is that she has gained about 4 pounds and can't seem to lose it because she can't walk.  As she so clearly pointed out, exercise has always been so important to her weight, her health, and her life.

I didn't walk today.  I took the day off, but after hearing her bemoan the fact that she can't walk very easily, I am feeling guilty because I can walk!  I know I don't have to walk everyday and it is okay to take a day off now and then, but I am so happy that I can walk.

I went to PVCC to do my ESL class today and one of the guys who works there complimented me on my weight loss, but more importantly, on how much better I walk and move.  It's funny, because I was never aware of how my walk/gait must have appeared to others before my weight loss, that has enabled me to be more agile.  I knew when it hurt to walk, but I didn't know how I looked when I walked.

So, walking is good, very good, and I will be back out there tomorrow morning, walking and feeling very grateful that I can.