181.6 Being In A Good Place

I haven't liked these posts lately but I am staying true to my promise to keep writing. I'm pretty sick of not feeling well and it is definitely getting in my way in more ways than just this blog. What's bothering me is that there is nothing huge wrong with me, but I just don't feel free. I'm on more drugs now (for the allergic reaction in my face), and that always makes me feel a little edgy. And, I want to quit thinking about/worrying about what's going on with me.

The food issues are slowly getting back in control - today has been a good day without feeling hungry or wanting to eat to move into a haze. I am staying present and aware and that's a good place to be.

177.2 What A Difference A Day Makes

It is amazing how many changes occur in less than a day in the life of a newborn. She was able to lose 9 ounces and I was able to gain about that.

I just came back from attacking the elliptical. To tell the truth, it was hard today to stick with it. It seemed like I never got in the zone. I've got to get a plan set up so that I can work out while I'm in Boston helping my daughter. Having a schedule and keeping in control of my eating will help me stay conscious, aware of what I'm doing. It is very circular, I've learned. If I have everything in place, things stay in place. If I let things get a little haphazard, it can all fall apart.

And now I have even more motivation to stay fit and more slender. I had three very precious reasons and now I have 4... wonderful grandchildren.

176.6 Home Alone!

Jeff's back in Boston and I'm home alone. It struck me that I could drink all of the wine I want, and eat whatever I want because no one would see me. Which led me to think about people who live alone and are trying to lose weight.

A while ago I wrote a post about whether weight is contagious. (See Weight Loss Contagion, 8/30/10.) Now I am thinking about that from a different point of view. Even though Jeff hasn't been coaching, scolding, or doing anything except encouraging me, I think his presence and his knowing what I am trying to achieve have provided a silent force that has really helped keep me honest.

No, I didn't open the wine, but I did eat more than usual. After telling Jennifer that I had eaten half of a honey dew melon, I joked with her that when she said to eat one half on her weight loss CDs she didn't mean to eat half of a melon. Oh, I know it could have been much worse, but it did cause me to think about living/eating alone and all that means. For some, it may mean that you can eat a lot less and just the food that you want because you aren't having to please another person, so that is freeing. For others it may signal that you are on your own and can get away with eating what ever and how much you want. As I learned last night, I'm going to have to please myself by staying with the program, staying aware and keeping my goal in mind with every bite.

186.0 Can 185 Be Far Behind?

Finally, a new all time low! What changed? I started eating less and I am trying hard to "listen" to my body about when I have had enough. This has been hard for me to pay attention to. I think I am distracted by: how much is left of my plate, will I literally die from hunger pangs if I don't "eat enough", since I exercised a lot I should eat more. Oh, and I am only having salad with salmon or chicken in it so shouldn't I be able to eat a lot more? And the familiar, I have lost 60 pounds so maybe I have lost enough?

No, I haven't lost enough. That new full length mirror has taught me that, and no, I am not consumed with being a perfect size anything. But fat is fat and when I see the collections I am still wearing (these are not fashion collections as seen on some Parisian runway), that is evidence enough. And, my doctors have encouraged me to lose more so this is not all in my head.



This was taken in mid April when I weighed 188. Jennifer has encouraged me to use smaller plates when I serve myself to help me understand the importance of eating less, to get a better visual picture of what that means! So using visual cues, checking in with how I feel as I am eating, staying aware and conscious of what I am eating and enjoying every bite, and keeping my goal in mind, I am on the road again!

188.7 Low Drone Vs. Fever Pitch

OMG, this is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. These last 20 pounds are an albatross around my neck and I find myself in a hurricane of embarrassment (I'll just get that out there), frustration and consternation that I am so stuck in this place and have been for so long. There are fits and starts of progress but I can't seem to sustain it. My inner voice has told me that I need to turn up the intensity with which I view this goal and finish this, that the volume is set at a low drone rather than the fever pitch of energy that I need to bring to this time in my weight loss journey.

I have lost 60 pounds and that's huge ~ so was I ~ and I do celebrate that, but I really want to get this next twenty pounds off. And yes, we've had house guests and social engagements, and yes, at least I haven't gained the weight back, but NO! I don't want to stay here.

So back to the gym, loving the elliptical, up the water, stay aware and focused, and be grateful for the progress I have made, knowing I want this goal to become my reality!

197.0 Eating Out Just Got Easier

For those of you who read this blog frequently, you have heard me complain about the challenge of eating out. With all of our recent travels, I have been doing a lot of eating out. And, I have finally found ways to enjoy it and not let it set me back too much. The secret isn't a secret at all. It's just good common sense that took me a while to accept and put to use. The basics of staying very aware of each bite, and eating only half of whatever I order are firmly in place for me. But I am also getting smarter about searching for healthy choices on menus that are not designed with the careful eater in mind! A couple of days ago, Jeff and I went to the movie Avatar and then went looking for a place to eat dinner. We ended up at CPK (California Pizza Kitchen as I still call it) and I felt safe with that choice because I knew that they serve wonderful salads there. What I learned is that they also have a delicious salmon option that comes with grilled vegetables. I asked for the ginger sauce on the side and had double veges because I didn't want the noodles that usually come with it. It was perfect.

Why was this so hard for me to incorporate easily into my life? Why did it take me so long to get the hang of it? It was difficult because I fought tooth and nail against not ordering the special items that the restaurant is known for. For example, to not order pizza at CPK was a really big hurdle for me to get over. To not order crab rangoon at a Chinese restaurant is another example of just having to get over it. And what is truly amazing is that I no longer miss those things.

So if you are going to eat out, check out the menu on line if you know ahead of time, and look for the option that is going to make you feel happy rather than guilty. And while you are eating, enjoy every bite by staying aware and eating slowly. And don't be afraid to have a bite of something that has been ordered by someone at your table if it is something you really like, and enjoy that bite. Soon, you'll find that bite is just the right amount. One more thing...if you are uncomfortable about asking for a container to put half in at the beginning of your meal, take your own container, put half in it and enjoy the rest. Out of sight, out of mind is really powerful in this situation.

203.5 Holidays Happen!

It's Monday on the other side of Thanksgiving and I can't believe I haven't blogged for so long. The blog has become a part of my daily routine and since I have been in Boston with my family, my routine is definitely very different and unpredictable. Tomorrow we head back to Scottsdale and to "my routine".

Speaking of routines, yes, you are already reading ahead of what I have written, my meals haven't been routine, either. What I have learned is that it is hard to keep losing weight during holidays. I have been able to not gain a lot of weight so I am very thankful for that. Probably the most important thing that has happened is that I have stayed conscious/aware of what I am eating, but that doesn't mean I haven't enjoyed some high calorie very delicious food. And, all this has been complicated by going out a lot with friends and family. So what am I trying to say?

Holidays happen with all the food traditions, friends and family. And I want to celebrate that. What will be very different this holiday season is that I won't spend the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas eating like everyday is a holiday and that it's to be expected. In my life now, it is the exception.