174.8 Excuses, Fears, Frustration

Yikes, my weight is continuing to go up and I am filled with lots of excuses, fears, and frustration. Let's start with the excuses! I love to blame the weather which is such a wimpy excuse. We have better weather out here in Scottsdale than most places in the country at this time of year. And I have access to two gyms. This excuse is not going to hold up. Oh, and then there's my cock-eyed pelvis which has put the kibosh on some activities like long walks or jogging in the water. But it hasn't pulled the plug on the elliptical, or the bike.

On to my fears...obviously I am scared that I am on the verge of regaining all of my weight. With my history of regaining after losing a lot, these are not unfounded fears. However, this time I have been weighing myself everyday which may be the most significant difference. I know where I am everyday. Well, at least I know how much I weigh even if I'm not sure where the hell I am :).

And then there's the frustration of not being free from concerns about my weight. I really want to just live and not worry about it. Maybe worry is the wrong word, but I am pretty consumed by that number everyday. I was hoping that I wouldn't be consumed, concerned with my weight anymore. I think that was a false assumption.

So, I continue to challenge myself to go back to the drawing board, get in the zone of using all that I've learned through this process so that I can take control again and be where I want to be.

174.8 The 5 pound Albatross

It's been frustrating to be stuck with this 5 pound albatross pulling me down. I've been mad, sad, frustrated, angry, and discouraged. I've spent a lot of time and energy with these feelings. I've questioned my weight goal, also. Was I crazy to set such a low goal? Hello! Sue, 170 pounds is not low for your 5'9" height. And then I spend time and energy wishing that I had set the goal at 175 and then I would have achieved it -- or would I have achieved it? Would I be stuck at 180, close but no cigar?

I can come up with some psychological reasons for why I am stuck, pretty obvious to some I'm sure, but I just don't think I am stuck in that way. However, if you've read many of these posts, you know that I did get A+ in Denial for many years around weight issues.

Even though I have plans and ideas for myself after the weight loss becomes a reality, maybe I like this niche @ Susan's Losin, and don't want to leave, to move on? No matter, it's time to lose it and move on. One more time, all together now, get going! By the way, I never dreamed this would be the way it would be so close to the end. I'm ending with a whimper! Yuck!

175.0 OMG!

OMG! This is sooooo hard! Hang in there with me! I'll reach that 170 mark!

Have a great weekend!

188.7 Low Drone Vs. Fever Pitch

OMG, this is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. These last 20 pounds are an albatross around my neck and I find myself in a hurricane of embarrassment (I'll just get that out there), frustration and consternation that I am so stuck in this place and have been for so long. There are fits and starts of progress but I can't seem to sustain it. My inner voice has told me that I need to turn up the intensity with which I view this goal and finish this, that the volume is set at a low drone rather than the fever pitch of energy that I need to bring to this time in my weight loss journey.

I have lost 60 pounds and that's huge ~ so was I ~ and I do celebrate that, but I really want to get this next twenty pounds off. And yes, we've had house guests and social engagements, and yes, at least I haven't gained the weight back, but NO! I don't want to stay here.

So back to the gym, loving the elliptical, up the water, stay aware and focused, and be grateful for the progress I have made, knowing I want this goal to become my reality!