180.6 Just Wondering...

Briefly :), today I went to a foot specialist because I have had a fungus under my big toenail, and, even though I have taken a 6 month RX of Lamosil, it is still lovin' livin' with me. So the doctor told me in 5 different ways that I had 3 choices of what to do about it. I felt like a smart kindergartner. I got it the first time through the options, but he kept repeating himself. Is this behavior because he sees an older woman who probably isn't all there? Or, does it look like I just don't get it? This was not rocket science. I tried my mirroring skills and said "so you are saying..." and he still kept repeating my options. You'll be delighted to know that I have chosen the option of doing nothing since a little toe fungus never hurt anyone unless they have an at risk immune system. So far, at least, that doesn't pertain to me. In fact, early on, in the conversation, we agreed that I didn't need to be concerned with an inadequate immune system. Sometimes, I just shake my head, on purpose :). ( I do have a little head tremor, but that's another post!)

180.8 Thanks!

I really want to say thank you to all of you who make comments. In general these are comments that encourage me and support me. Sometimes I get comments with good information or suggestions. All of the comments are so welcome and I just want to put it out there that it means more than you'll ever know.

Writing a blog is quite a lonely undertaking. I never know if people read it or care until I get a comment or email. So again, thanks so much. I am hanging in there. Today was a better day. I even went shopping and bought some new motivational pants so that means I'm on my way. When I started this blog about 2 years ago I had no idea where it would lead and definitely didn't think I'd be writing this kind of post. But life is good, even though it can be very unpredictable. Thanks.

181.6 Being In A Good Place

I haven't liked these posts lately but I am staying true to my promise to keep writing. I'm pretty sick of not feeling well and it is definitely getting in my way in more ways than just this blog. What's bothering me is that there is nothing huge wrong with me, but I just don't feel free. I'm on more drugs now (for the allergic reaction in my face), and that always makes me feel a little edgy. And, I want to quit thinking about/worrying about what's going on with me.

The food issues are slowly getting back in control - today has been a good day without feeling hungry or wanting to eat to move into a haze. I am staying present and aware and that's a good place to be.

180.2 Rambling Thoughts

Well, I didn't go to the party last night which was a good decision, although Jeff went and a great time was had by all. One thing I am so grateful about in our lives are the wonderful friends we have found here. The depth of many of the friendships astounds me since we have known most of these folks for 3 years or less. When you make a big move like we did, a lot of things are risked in the process. Probably the scariest for us was thinking about building new relationships.

Our daughters survived hurricane Irene without too much disruption although Miranda and her family lost power so went to stay with our daughter Alee, and Scott. Nobody has a flooded basement or other damage so a good sleep will be had by all tonight.

I'm still wondering why my face blew up, but it is a little better today and should be much better tomorrow. It does feel prickly most of the time and itches, but that's it in the complaint department.

181.2 Craziness Abounds

No, I haven't started the 17 day diet and am still reading the book. One thing I've picked up on while reading it is the fact that the author has repeated the phrase "you have to believe that this will work" several times already. I totally agree with that. And often just believing will help make success real as illustrated when people are given placebos, for example.

I woke up this morning with a swollen face. I still look a bit like the creature from the black lagoon. Our physicians' office here has Saturday morning hours so off I went and came home with prednisone. Since I had added nothing new and/or different to my diet yesterday I'll never know what triggered this allergic reaction. Looking on the positive side, my wrinkles have almost totally disappeared. I'm supposed to go to a dinner party tonight but feel less than good. In fact, I feel worse than I look. I'm not sure whether I'll go or not. I'll go to sleep for a while now and see how I feel when I wake up. But I do wonder what caused this! I like answers.

182.2 OMG

OMG! (I read that short blogs are better than long ones!)

180.6 Thinking About Something New!

I bought a book today that you've probably been hearing about called the 17 Day Diet. Ever since I started this weight loss adventure about 3 years ago I have not followed a strict diet of any kind. But I really need to "kick it up" as Emeril likes to say and am thinking about trying this. After all, it is only 17 days and then after that more and more foods are integrated into each day's food choices. But first, I have to read about it, and get through this weekend that is full of friends and eating out. But next week we are eating at home every night, so far, so if it looks doable to me I'll give it a try.

But in the midst of the 17 days, I just realized, we will be in Bar Harbor with our family. But let me read about it first before I put up any obstacles... one of my best talents! If any of you have done this diet I'd love to hear from you.

180.2 Getting Back In The Groove

Is that the same as getting my groove back? I never read the book with the title that alluded to getting the groove back so I hope it's a safe reference :). But I do feel as though I'm beginning to return to the more disciplined life and it feels good. No, I won't make you all gag by saying it feels groovy! Talk about dating myself!

Yesterday, I wrote about doing self hypnosis again and how it didn't involve deprivation or exercise. But in fact during it, increasing exercise and eating carefully became a part of the session. So there I am, lying on the bed in hypnosis and then realized what I had written and what was happening. It did strike me funny.

I went shopping today and was scared to death that nothing would fit me. But all is well on that score so I'm ok. Hope you are too. (And my pedicure definitely fit!)

180.6 Self Hypnosis

One of the things I realize that I have not been doing that was part of the weight loss program that I worked on with Jennifer Scott is self hypnosis. I have written about wanting to get back into that zone of weight loss and hypnosis played a big part in the 80 pound weight loss. So now I have something else to add to my to do list everyday. It is odd that I let that go because it doesn't take more than about 15 minutes, there is no deprivation or exercise involved :), and I know it will help me.

Hmmmm....!

180.0 Staying Healthy

What a day, but a great day. I've decided to accept every opportunity/invitation to go do things and so I was out all day until now, and it's 7:30 pm. My day did include a visit to my physiatrist - no, not psychiatrist - who oversees all my back, neck rehab issues. I was with a Russian ESL student this morning, a couple of dear friends for lunch and a couple hours of hearing all about their summer escapades to various places, then the medical appointment, dinner out, a visit to the cell phone store and finally home. It was a good day.

I wrote last week about organizing my time, making lists and always trying to create something everyday. It has helped tremendously to keep me focused on goals and as a result I've also made some interesting pieces of jewelry. Having house guests put some welcome activity into my days as well as structure and all of that is helpful. So life is good now, better than a couple of weeks ago.

The fact that we had guests and dinner either out or prepared by me didn't help the weight issues, but I'm trying to keep things in perspective without giving in, and will keep pursuing the goal of losing a few pounds, keeping the exercise going and most importantly staying healthy!

179.0 Comfort Food For A Hot Day?

It is so hot here even I'm getting tired of it. It's not one of the hottest days or even close to it, but I think I'm just tired of it. But, it is supposed to get much hotter during the week. Oh well, I'm not all achy so I really shouldn't complain.

Our house guests are still here. They are actually house hunting in this heat. It's funny but I kind of want to prepare something special for them, sort of a comfort food for the heat. Ice cream comes to mind, not that I would make it at home with loving hands, but I don't think that's a great idea. I have lots of fresh fruit and fat free cream. I think that will be the house specialty along with a big green salad with shrimp and avocado and a few tomatoes. Come on over!

Guess that is all for now. Hope you are having a good Sunday.

179.0 Where Is It?

I've been spending the last couple of days with a good friend who also lost a lot of weight and like me has regained some of it. She agreed with me that for some reason it seems hard to re-envision how we lost the weight. Where did the magic, the power go that allowed us to know exactly how to manage food, temptation, etc., like we did a short time ago. Where did it go?

We really hashed it out. She was on a much stricter program of real deprivation while she lost her weight and once she "lost" it - the weight and the mental power - she just started eating out of control, and hit the ice cream really hard! I really haven't done that. I think I've just added more calories with larger portions of usually healthy food so that I've slowly put weight on. I thought it was interesting that we both felt like we'd been abandoned by whatever it was that allowed us to eat so carefully and lose weight. And what exactly was it? Desire to lose weight, need, challenge? Who knows, but I sense it was all three and I think we both want to rediscover that magic!

178.8 Is It Water or Fat?

This is a great site that Phil sent to me. I love the one acknowledgement that when we gain weight it's caused by water retention, but when we lose weight we lose FAT! That's how I always have thought about it!
http://www.ingredientsinc.net/2011/08/what-are-your-diet-pitfalls/

We have house guests so this will be it for today. Hope you are looking forward to a great weekend.

178.8 Attitude

One of my friends ends every email with this saying: Attitude is so important! Have a good one!

Another friend called this morning and recommended the book The Happiness Project. I've just downloaded it onto my iPhone and look forward to listening to it.

So maybe I'm okay! I just need a little or big attitude adjustment about where I am in life. This sounds like a good path to take as I move on.

No, I'm no longer high on vicodin. I woke up this morning pain free and feeling good, and ready to go do my water workout. I heard on the news this morning that the low during the night was 93 degrees so I'm sure the water will be very warm!! How's that for a good attitude!

180.0 Big Day

I'm being facetious! The only thing big about today was that a big molar was extracted and now I'm high on vicodin. But I kept my word to myself to post everyday and I'm feeling no pain!

Happy 80th Birthday, Phil. May we all stay young as gracefully and actively as you have. You are an inspiration.

180.2 Making A List And Checking It Twice

So after I talked to Priscilla I followed my list for yesterday and completed everything. So what did I create? I put together a necklace and a funky bracelet. The necklace may be a gift, but I think I'll keep the bracelet for myself. What's really cool about the jewelry designing is how it happens. I had all of these elements in my stash but had never been moved to put them together in something wearable. It's one of those who knew moments!

List making may actually be in the genes, genes I didn't get so I have to train myself to make lists. But Jeff has always been a list maker and a very productive guy. Our son (a non-list maker) called last week to say that his youngest, Julien, had told him that they needed to make a list of all the things that needed to be done before he left for his first day of kindergarten. Ted has said more than once that raising Julien is like living with his father!

(Prill suggested I have a special little notebook to keep for my lists. I searched in my stuff and found a little journal with a great big W on the front. This journal had come in a grab bag as a "gift" from Michaels, the craft store. I had wondered when I saw it about what in the world I would do with it since I couldn't think of anyone I knew who would like it. But when I saw it yesterday I knew exactly what the W stood for. What in the World Will you do to make your life Worthwhile!)

180.6 Beginning To Move Away From Chaos

I'm trying to put more discipline in my life and so not writing a post isn't an option anymore. My sister Priscilla called this morning to encourage me. She suggested that every night I make a list of things to do the following day. I like this suggestion. It will give form to my day and will help with the chaos of not knowing how to spend my time. We also talked about the importance of getting out of the house everyday, something I have tended not to do, especially this summer. So I made a list for today and will write another tonight for tomorrow.

One of the things I put on my list for today is "create". That word wrote itself and so I"ll pay particular attention to it. I'm not sure what today will bring in terms of creativity, but I'm excited to find out. Life is too good to waste staring at a computer without purpose which I had to admit to Prill that I have found myself doing. So now I can cross off write blog post from my list and can move on. This feels good!

Prill and me... a long time ago!

180.2 Ripples of Change

I've been thinking about this "weight loss journey or adventure" as I have referred to this experience of losing all of the weight. As you read, getting to the point of achieving success was indeed quite a journey, but once finding myself there as been very challenging. I'm thinking about all sorts of scenarios that might be similar to where I find myself now. For example, working extremely hard to get a promotion and then finding the work very different from what was imagined. Or moving to that dream house and then being faced with all the challenges of making it into a real home including finding a comfort zone with new neighbors, helping children to settle into new schools, etc. Change begets change begets change. I did go to church today so maybe that's why I'm thinking in terms of begets :). Is that what "nothing's over til it's over" is all about?

I've really appreciated the encouragement to keep writing this blog. It was definitely part of the disciplined life I was living as I was in the process of losing the weight. Not writing it has added to the maintenance chaos I've experienced and so I'll work to make it a part of every day once again.

180.4 Answers and Questions

My daughter responded to yesterday's post with this comment:

I wonder if it's not taking the weight loss for granted, but the disappointment that it hasn't changed your life in every single possible way. People say all the time, if I only had more money, if I only lost those 20 pounds, if I only had a new car:) everything would be great and I will never feel sad, mad, lonely again. While weight loss/healthy living is a wonderful and healthy thing and does often change our lives for the better, it doesn't solve everything. And that's disappointing. Does this make any sense?

This makes perfect sense but I'm not sure that's where I am. What I am hearing in my heart and mind is that I have slipped back into old habits of less exercise and eating more, and eating less carefully. But why did I slip back after all of that work? Is there a stasis that we can't control without fighting it all of the time? I wrote recently that I thought maintenance would be easy or at least much easier than it has turned out to be.

So now the question is why did I fall back into old habits and maybe that's what Alee's addressed in her comment above. And another question is how am I going to go forward? I think I have already outlined the plan... more exercise and eating more carefully, with more care in terms of choices and amounts. Of course the over-riding question is how much do I want to do this?

180.0 Loss, Maintenance, Remorse

Now this is really something! One of my friends became inspired by my weight loss and we've had several conversations in person and via email about how I lost the weight and how he was handling food issues. I just got an email from him this morning and he's lost 12 pounds! I am so happy for him, but... did I attract that weight on to me?

I've been thinking a lot about the bump up in my weight and wonder if it is a little like buyer's remorse. Another friend of mine lost a lot of weight and has put a chunk back on. And another friend of mine achieved a total body make over through exercise and weight loss. In fact she won a women's body building competition and now seems to be suffering from depression.

What is it about getting what we want and then not appreciating it enough to live into the changes. What makes maintaining the change so difficult? I was convinced that by taking the weight off slowly and thoughtfully, consciously, I would be able to maintain the loss easily. That hasn't proven to be the case. There are lots of explanations/excuses I can give for the weight gain, but it really doesn't matter. Especially after my recent stroke scare, I need to work very hard at staying healthy. Weight loss is good! Remorse is not!

178.2 Living My Life With Tiramisu

Honeymoon Celebration!

Here's something to write about! Jeff and I just celebrated our 46th anniversary. We had a great day. It was a gorgeous day so we headed down to our very special place to go for special occasions, Lon's at the Hermosa Inn in Paradise Valley. We went for a late brunch and it was divine. Those who know me well know that I love tiramisu and because it was our anniversary the restaurant presented us with a complimentary dessert that happened to be Mexican Chocolate Tiramisu! OMG, it was the best I have ever had.

I'm working on letting go of all of the stroke issues and just living my life. My neurologist said that if I take a full aspirin a day I should stay out of trouble. And he said to go live my life! And so I am!