172.2 Making Chicken Soup

It's a little cooler out here than usual so I decided to make some chicken soup. Now that I'm on maintenance, I've started cooking again. It's not that I made some grand decision not to cook while I was in the process of losing those 80 pounds, but it was just easier to eat very simply and stay out of the kitchen.

I've come up with a great way to serve butternut squash which is healthy and low calorie in its own right, meaning without the butter I added. But anyway, I bought the fresh, already cubed squash and cooked it in the microwave with about 1/4 cup of water added, for about 15 minutes. When it was done I mashed it by hand, added butter, salt and pepper and my secret ingredient, sugar free maple syrup! It is so yummy. I took it to our Thanksgiving gathering and it was a great hit as was my pumpkin pie. Follow the recipe on the can of pumpkin, but substitute Splenda or Stevia for the sugar, egg beaters or similar product for the eggs and use fat free evaporated milk instead of the usual! Another successful contribution to Thanksgiving provided by yours truly.

Now, while we were in San Francisco is where I did a little damage mainly because we ate all of our meals at restaurants. I've learned to always ask for sugar free maple syrup, but it was a little harder to not use the regular since in the two restaurants we went to for breakfast, the real thing was served warm. But, I did the 1/2 and 1/2 trick which I've adopted when I want a little of the real and a little of the more healthy version.

We had a great time seeing relatives, and the wedding was wonderful. We stayed right on Union Square so that even if we hadn't wanted to shop, the Black Friday crowds were everywhere. For this gal from the desert lands of north Scottsdale, it was really fun and exciting to see and be a part of the crowds! But, it's great to be back home where the sun is shining and the temperatures are finally rising!

Now we have two family birthdays and then Christmas. It is a busy time of year!

170.4 Happy Thanksgiving!

We just got home from a wonderful Thanksgiving feast at our friend's home. Most of the dishes were made with less fat and sugar and were absolutely fantastic! I'm learning, still learning how to do this and still be able to enjoy yummy flavors of old favorites!

We are off to San Francisco for the weekend to attend a wedding so won't be blogging until Tuesday.

As you can imagine, I am very thankful for all those who helped me reach my 80 pound weight loss goal. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for all of the wise and steadfast help from Jennifer Scott. And I owe a lot of thanks to Jeff for all the support and understanding he's given me over these past two and a half years, and, to all of you readers who directly or indirectly have given me encouragement. Thank you.

Hope you all had a very happy Thanksgiving.

170.8 Eat...Shop...Eat...Shop...

Yesterday I experienced a new kind of road rage. I think that's what it was. A woman wanted to cut in between me and the car in front of me as she made a left turn. Since I had the right of way, I really didn't consider stopping to allow her maneuver. Well, she didn't care and went tearing through the very limited space between me and the other car, and as she drove by my horror stricken face, she gave me a huge, wild, somewhat distorted grin and waved at me! It was really something. I couldn't decide if she was on drugs or thought she was cute or what! I was also very glad she hadn't hit my car.

But what's really funny was my reaction to being scared. I immediately thought that I should either eat or shop. So my mind ricocheted between the two - to shop or to eat! I had to do something to settle my jangled nerves. You'll be happy to know that that thankfully Chico's was a block away. Remember, I suggested you buy Chico's stock. If you did, I'm sure you've seen a very positive return! I, on the other hand, can no longer afford to buy Chico's stock!

It is interesting how our emotions can regulate our behavior especially in stressful situations. Eat...shop...eat...shop.... Let's hear it for shopping!

170.8 Compassion and Honesty, Hmm...

Yesterday I went over to our community pool to do my workout. A very nice guy was there who hadn't seen me in a long time. As we were chatting, he interrupted himself and said, "You've lost weight!" And, then he asked me how I did it. I was beginning to tell him about how I had made changes in my eating habits, etc., when he said that he could never change his eating habits, in light of his love of butter. And then he shared that his cholesterol was very high and that he was trying to decide if he should start taking drugs to treat that. When I suggested that he could start by eating just half the amount of butter he usually does, you would have thought I had suggested that he eat that food that you find most repulsive! And then he continued to tell me more about his love of butter, and that he had been a nutrition major in college, but now that he was older, he just didn't want to deal with any of the health/weight issues.

In spite of the fact that one of my personal goals is to be more compassionate, I heard myself, in all my compassion :), blurt out, "Do you want to eat butter or die?" I've been where this man is. I've been in that mental place where I believed that making change seemed highly undesirable and was probably not possible.

When I said I had to move on and start my workout, he smiled and said,"You have changed! You should start a class about weight loss here at the community center". I told him that I was thinking about doing just that, with compassion. I know I am making fun of myself and my need to be more compassionate, but for me it's serious business. So now my goal is to be compassionately honest. I think that's possible, just like losing weight. I'm working on it.

171.2 Reading The Cereal Box

Remember when you were a kid, sitting at the breakfast table reading the cereal box? Well, this morning I found myself reading the box of a new high fiber cereal that Kellogg is promoting! I went to the list of ingredients and couldn't believe my eyes. After counting 20 ingredients and only being about 1/3 of the way through the list, I quit and vowed never to buy this cereal again. Oh, it tastes very good, probably due to all of the additives. But do I really need all sorts of dyes added to my cereal, chemicals for this and that? I don't think so. I took out some other boxes of cereal to compare, and all of them had fewer than 8 ingredients and no dyes. Of course, good, old fashioned oatmeal takes the prize.

I'm more at peace with the weight loss and the beginning stages of maintenance than I have been during these early days of glory :)! It feels less daunting and as long as I stay present and conscious of what I'm eating and keep exercise and drinking lots of water high on my to do list, I'll be fine.

171.2 Arizona Autumn

It's raining here! It isn't supposed to rain in Arizona. At least, that's what I like to believe. We do need the rain. We always need the rain, but it really does a job on my happiness quotient. I don't know if because I was raised in California that I have trouble tolerating gray skies, or if it's a chemical imbalance, or what, but I do not do well on gray days.

Soon after we were married we moved from UCLA to a very small town in Michigan. My world went from technicolor to black and white! And, I really didn't know what happened since I'd never lived in such a dour place! Oh well, I just have to get to a point where I can allow a few gray days into my life once in a while.

On the other hand, something really beautiful is happening out here. I don't know if it is unusual or if I just never noticed it before, but the ocotillo (o-co-tee-yo) plants are turning from dark green to gold! I think Arizona is trying to experience autumn. When the sun shines through these most amazing plants, it is a sight to behold.

171.6 I Got Phished!

Today was not a good day. I got phished! I didn't even know what that meant until Jeff explained it to me. So if you got an email from me saying I tagged you in a photo and you opened it, you got phished also. I learned the hard way not to open any fishy looking email.

So life continues in maintenance, and yes, it's easy and it's hard. It's easy because I am so guarded about what I eat, but it's hard, because I thought it would be easier than it is. Now there's a mouthful!

We just came home from a cocktail party. I think the compliments served to keep me on target. But soon, my new look will no longer be anything people will talk about. They'll be used to it and that will be good. Things will seem more normal. I still need to do this one bite at a time, and I can!

171.6 The Last Picture Show!

Remember the movie by that name? For months, Jennifer Scott has said that once I reached my goal weight we'd do a final video. Today was the big day!

Now I've never liked any of the videos that we've done together. I really don't like talking about myself while being filmed. I do like to talk about myself with friends and family, as they will tell you without hesitation, but as soon as the camera is turned on me I morph into this totally unrecognizable person who seems to be high on some illegal drug.

I hope today's video is better than those done in the past. I was definitely more myself and more at ease that in the earlier videos, probably because of all of the changes that have taken place. I really wanted to explain all the elements that came together to make this weight loss possible, and, to explain that it hasn't been just all about weight loss. It's about me becoming free of all that old stuff, those old burdens, physical and emotional!

We'll see. Jennifer wants to put it on her Facebook page and I may put it on this blog once it is edited. If I look alive, I'll post it. Otherwise, you'll never see it :)!

171.8 Gifts

Sometimes life gets a little overwhelming in the most wonderful sense. I taught my ESL class today and two of my students brought me Thanksgiving gifts. I'm not sure that I have ever received any Thanksgiving gifts in the past.

One of the students left work, drove to the college and during our break handed me a beautiful orchid plant, gave me a hug, and then had to get right back to work. This is the woman from Vietnam who wanted to know what to call me (doctor, professor, or teacher). She now has a job which was her goal, so she is no longer able to take the class.

The other gift was given to me by a student I have had since I started teaching at PVCC about 4 years ago. She is from Taiwan and this morning told me I was the best teacher she had ever had as she handed me a lovely gift.

It's funny how things come back around when you give from your heart. This is the first year that I have called upon my Inner Spirit to be with me as I teach each week, and the hugs, the gestures of appreciation, and my teaching have all reflected this special influence that has made this year the best ever. And you should hear this group sing "What A Wonderful World"!

171.0 Hiding Behind The Mask... No More

I've come to realize over this two and a half year long journey that among other things, I wore my fat as an accessory, or a mainstay of my wardrobe. I wore it as a mask to hide behind because I was unhappy with who I had become over the years, and unsure of who I really was.

I wonder if that is true for a lot of heavy people. I have a hunch that some people slowly put weight on with no consciousness and then wake up at a medical appointment or even shopping and think "OMG, what's happened to me?!"

In my case, I think I gave up on a lot of fronts and took refuge behind this mask, this coat of fat that kept me somewhat isolated, and unavailable. I didn't reach out, I didn't volunteer my thoughts or my energy, and when I was involved socially, I was quiet, more reserved.

Things have changed and sometimes I wonder who is speaking, who is wearing that outfit, who am I? But I like who I've become, even my new edginess as I like to call it, because I am saying what I think, and know who I am. It feels good to be authentic! It's a lot more fun than always being careful, or as my older sister referred to the old me (who she prefers :)), being "Sweet Sue".

Oh, and by the way, Jeff loves the fact that the mask is off. Now that's a good thing, as Martha Stewart would say!

171.0 Whoa!

I think I may have used that title before but it is very appropos for today's weight. I'm working hard today to stay positive and not get all in a snit about it. I did walk for a half hour, very briskly to my favorite walking music, and then I went over to our community pool and did my water therapy workout.

It's cold here! I just told a friend who was calling from Massachusetts about it being cold here and she just laughed. But it is cold here! I have a swim jacket that I wear now that cuts the wind and it does help, but I long for the 100 degree days when getting into the pool was pure heaven.

So I'm paying attention to the exercise and drinking lots of water, and returning to some of my very care full habits. This maintenance may be almost as tricky as losing the weight!

170.6 How Did I Do It?

I'm thinking a lot about how I did this, how I lost 80 pounds. Jennifer Scott wants to make a video with me talking about how I did it. First of all, I couldn't have done it without her wisdom, patience, and skill as a hypno-therapist. I wasn't easy to work with. I was pretty stubborn, stuck in my old beliefs about all sorts of things. In other words, I was a hard sell. Opening my mind to her views was work for both of us, thankfully often humorous, but work. We both hung in there together, fastened our seat belts and took every twist and turn on this journey together.

So, how did I do it? The quick answer is one bite at a time. It was one meal at a time, one day at a time, one pound at a time. I didn't just drop 5 pounds here, and 3 pounds a couple days later, etc. This was purposefully slow so that my mind would change along with my body. The quick weight loss diets I'd done earlier had produced weight loss, but no understanding of why I ate what I ate, drank what I drank, and put on that weight. So, it was the mental, emotional work that accompanied the careful eating that made this a very unusual journey.

And then there is the spiritual piece that I hadn't expected but evolved as I worked with Jennifer. She introduced me to the idea that God's power resides in all of us and can be understood once we move our ego issues aside and listen to that voice within us that gives guidance, comfort and support. This played a huge part in my changing attitudes and moving from the old to the new, and I am so grateful to Jennifer for sharing these ideas with me.

I'm still not sure what I'll say in that video, but at least I've got a head start on thinking about it after writing this.

170.6 Settling In

Our house guests have departed and we've returned from our visit to Tucson so life is beginning to return to normal... whatever that is. And that is the big question now. What is my life going to be all about? For the past couple of years, my life has been about my weight, my growing awareness of who I am and what I am all about as a result of the accompanying therapy, and both those aspects of my life are now complete, or as complete as they are going to be for the near future.

I do know that one of the greatest gifts from doing this blog with its daily posts has been the compliments I've received for my writing. I love it when friends say they can hear my voice chatting with them as they read these posts. So I am definitely going to do more writing, and perhaps take a class or two in writing, and see where that leads me. And, Jennifer and I are thinking about writing about our experience working with each other, which is quite a story in its own right:).

And, I do want to share my weight loss experience with folks who would like to know what my journey was like, and be a source of ideas and encouragement for them.

So life looks good to me right now, and maybe I don't want to achieve a new normal. Some would say I've never ever been normal, so why start now!

169.4 Before and After

We are off to Tucson for several days where I hope to sell some of my jewelry.

I'll be back posting on this blog within a few days. I am thinking about transitioning this blog into a new one since I am as addicted to blogging as I am to raw carrots and sugar snap peas :).

Happy fall weekend!

169.0 Whoo-hoo!

I'm keeping my scale after all. In fact, I'm now in love with it!

It was so exciting to see those numbers. I'd been expecting them for a few days now, but I wasn't certain that today would be the day.

I just wanted to share the good news. And, now you all can breathe a big sigh of relief. Susan's done it!

More tomorrow!

170.2 My Scale Has a Wicked Sense of Humor!

I bought it at Walgreen's for $9.99 about half way through this weight loss adventure! My old scale would give me 3 different weights all within the space of one minute. This one has been very steadfast and reliable and never varies no matter how many times I get on it first thing every morning. I was sure today was going to be my big day. I didn't eat popcorn, I drank what seemed like gallons of water and peed all day long yesterday, and yet when I got on the scale this morning, there it was...170.2. So I've decided to just go with it and know, at some point, the scale will get tired of this little game and will give in and let me see the 170.0. However, if it decides to take me on one last roller coaster ride before I get to the 170.0 mark, it may end up outside on the curb waiting for the next trash pick-up!

So I'm back in my waiting game frame of mind, and will try to keep seeing the humor in this crazy situation.

170.2 Probable Truth

Jeff says it's the low salt popcorn I ate last night that's responsible for that .2 of pound that's hanging on.:) How can I argue? As I wrote in a recent post, it's always something. But I'm beginning to believe that I may have done this! This 80 pound loss is still hard for me to visualize. If I think about that photo of 5 pounds of fat (taken in a doctor's office waiting room) and multiply it by 16, it gives me a way to look at it. But was that really a part of my body, all of it at one time, everyday, for years? Just like the popcorn last night, it's hard to argue with a probable truth.

170.2 Almost There!

This morning when I woke up I had a new image floating around in my wonderful:) mind, of me closing the door on the past, the weight issues, all the stuff that I have been working through as I head into my future. I know I've still got to sweep out the corners and crevices before I can shut the door for good, but I like that image. And as I close that door, I'll be embarking on a totally new adventure. I wonder where it will take me. I've learned a lot on this adventure, so I know I am ready for the next.

But wait a minute, Sue, not so fast. I don't think I'll close that door, after all. That past is full of so many memories, of highs and lows, of losing and then regaining and losing again, and of loads of challenges, and changes that I made in my attitudes and habits. It's full of experiences with hypnosis, with learning to listen to my inner spirit, of imaging a new way of life, a new me, that has become a reality for me, thanks to Jennifer Scott. These past couple of years have been really exciting in so many ways, so I'm sweeping and cleaning and tying things together, but I'll leave that door wide open.

170.8 Delusion vs Reality

Did you see that? Just under a pound and I will have done it! We have house guests and activities and a trip to Tucson coming up in the next week, but I can do it! Lose that .8 of a pound.



I put this picture up for a little extra push. I remember the day and event we were celebrating when this was taken, and here's the amazing thing! I thought I looked great! If you're gasping in shock, that's okay. My point is that I really deluded myself about my weight for a long time. This was taken in 1999!

I'm not sure if delusion plays a big role in the lives of heavy people in general, but it surely was alive and well in me for many, many years. And, as I go through pictures of me taken during this weight loss journey, I do remember all along the way thinking how good I looked in comparison to how I looked in other photos.

So I think it will be important for me to make an album of these pictures of me at various weights so that I don't fall prey to this most excellent ability I seem to have developed. Delusion has to be replaced with reality, awareness, and the desire to stay slender, feel younger, and be healthier. You know that saying, "a picture is worth a thousand words"? Maybe so, but only if the viewer is grounded in reality!

171.8 Challenges

Teaching my ESL class has been another great adventure for me. Recently, I have found myself asking that inner spirit to be with me as I teach. I plan every lesson so am always prepared, but as I approach the college, I ask for a little boost from that wonderful power within. And this year has been amazing because a lot of things have happened during the class that I never planned. About four weeks ago, "out of the blue" but really from within, the idea of having each student set up a challenge each week for themselves presented itself. And then during the next class they each tell about their challenge and how/whether they succeeded in meeting it. Some of the challenges have involved losing weight, increasing exercise, passing the written portion of the driving test, spending more time on their English lessons, and baking more and more elaborate cakes!

There's a wonderful, oh, about 65 year old man from Iraq who is determined to become more proficient in English, and he tells all those he interacts with that he is doing a challenge because his teacher told him he needed to do that.:) This really makes me smile! He now goes to the barbershop alone, he visited his insurance office alone, and most recently, he took his ailing mother to her medical appointment. In the past he would have always asked someone who could speak and understand English better than he to accompany him. He is so proud of himself and it's inspiring the other students.

What's really interesting is that his reaching out also presents a challenge to those he interacts with. He told us that the doctor complimented him on his English. I like to think that all of us who speak English so readily will face the challenge of giving these folks, who are working so hard to learn English and contribute to our society, the time and patience to listen and respond positively. I personally can't imagine trying to learn a new language at this time in my life in order to get along in a totally new culture.

And, if you noticed my weight, a little turbulence has set in, so I have renewed my faith that I can do this and losing 2 pounds seems very trivial compared to what my students are achieving. My challenge is to meet my goal!

171.2 More!

There's actually more to the story than just upping the amount of water that I have been drinking. As you know, I've been working with Jennifer Scott (Clinical Hypno-Therapist) and she's taught me to listen to my inner voice, for Guidance all through this process. Recently when we were together, by tapping into our inner voices/spirits, we learned something that neither of us had thought about or talked directly about, and that is that part of my inability to lose these last 5 -10 pounds has been a fear that once I reached my goal, I will start regaining the weight, all of the weight. And, I learned that I didn't need to have that fear anymore, that I will be able to handle the success and all other challenges that life will present to me in the aftermath of this weight loss. A wave of relief swept through me as I became aware of these messages. And, I started losing the weight and drinking the water and look what happened. I do have a new confidence about reaching the goal and moving on. Now I just wonder what life has in store for me. I know I'll be up to the challenge. This is exciting!

171.2 Is it all About The Water?

I'm drinking water, a lot more that I used to thanks to the encouragement of 2 doctors. I wrote about my chiropractor relating that drinking water makes your kidneys burn more calories. And recently, because I was frequently feeling very faint when I stood up I talked to my PCP and guess what he suggested? More water, especially since he did blood pressure readings for lying down, sitting, and standing. I flunked the standing test!

I am feeling better, haven't gone down yet, and think that the water is really helping with the blood pressure issue. And, I'm quite convinced that it is helping with the weight loss. I always thought I was drinking plenty of water all through this weight loss process, but now I am measuring it and setting new goals for how much I really drink everyday. Keeping track has made me realize that I wasn't drinking as much as I thought! You know, it's kind of maddening when I think about how maybe this all could have happened a little (a lot) faster if I had been more careful about the water. Did you see that? I just kicked myself! :)

171.8 Almost Landing

I'm a very nervous flyer. I don't like the take-off and have become hyper-aware of all sorts of things as the plane rises into the sky. Is it moving fast enough, is it going steep enough, and how does it sound, are just a few of the things I judge as the plane ascends. And, I am happy to say that so far all of my take-offs have been without incident.

Starting this weight loss adventure was a little like boarding a plane and then taking off. When I started I didn't have a goal, a destination, in mind. I just wanted to lose weight. And, the beginning was stressful because I didn't want to fail, I didn't want to crash.

And once the plane has leveled off and is heading toward my destination, I relax a little, until the first turbulence hits and then I'm a basket case! I do calm down as the plane calms down, but I'm always on guard. It is up to me to keep the plane up in the air, right?

I'm not sure you could say that I ever really relaxed during this weight loss program. I did gain more confidence in it over time, but for me it has been like being in the plane that has taken off and is not ready to land. Every bump up caused anxiety similar to that caused by a little turbulence, and when I bumped up a couple of pounds, it was major turbulence, major anxiety that I experienced. And this journey's success has definitely been all up to me!

And then I begin to wait for that change in sound, change in altitude, change in speed as the plane begins its descent. And I start making mental notes about how things are going as the plane approaches the airport to make its landing.

I'm in the landing pattern now, getting ready to complete the descent and to arrive at my destination. I may bounce a little depending on unforeseen happenings, but I definitely won't have to climb back up, circle and try again. This is the landing that I've been awaiting for a long time now. And, I'm filled with those same feelings of relief and excitement and anticipation that I always experience when I reach my destination.

171.8 Cool, Clear Water

I'm thinking about changing the name of my blog to Susan's Drinkin'! Not really, but upping the amount of water that I drink is certainly helping with these last few pounds. I knew that water was good for me, good to flush out all of the impurities in my system, but this morning I learned something else about water. Maybe this should have been really obvious to me, but I just never put it all together. My chiropractor said that as you increase the amount of fluid/water you drink, you up the number of calories burned because your kidneys have to work harder, doing the work they are meant to do. Talk about motivation!

And, yesterday I was able to zip up my "celebration" pants, the very, very tight pants I bought about 3 months ago to wear when I reached my goal. Now I just have to keep it all together and see that 170.0 on my scale.