174.6 Letting Go

One of the things I have become so aware of during this weight loss extravaganza (how's that for positive thinking? :) ) is that now I can't use food and wine to tamper down the feelings of stress, and sadness.

Lately I've had this feeling in my throat that is reminiscent of how I used to feel after a big cry. My throat feels bruised and tight. Since I had to see my PCP doctor today about a simple matter of a RX refill I brought it up to him. After going through some basics of my health history and looking in my throat, he agreed with Jennifer, that I'm blocking the flow of emotion and need to continue to work on letting go! I grew up in a family that believed only in physical aspects of health so I probably would have been more comfortable with him saying there was a physical cause. He didn't, and he encouraged me to continue working on allowing emotion to flow. He went on to say that so many of us use addictive behaviors - running/exercise, gambling, drugs, sex, porn, to name a few in addition to food and wine - to help cope with all that we face everyday. I'm wondering if people who are heavy have more issues or just find that the obvious emotional pain killers of food and wine are their addictions of choice.

171.2 Arizona Autumn

It's raining here! It isn't supposed to rain in Arizona. At least, that's what I like to believe. We do need the rain. We always need the rain, but it really does a job on my happiness quotient. I don't know if because I was raised in California that I have trouble tolerating gray skies, or if it's a chemical imbalance, or what, but I do not do well on gray days.

Soon after we were married we moved from UCLA to a very small town in Michigan. My world went from technicolor to black and white! And, I really didn't know what happened since I'd never lived in such a dour place! Oh well, I just have to get to a point where I can allow a few gray days into my life once in a while.

On the other hand, something really beautiful is happening out here. I don't know if it is unusual or if I just never noticed it before, but the ocotillo (o-co-tee-yo) plants are turning from dark green to gold! I think Arizona is trying to experience autumn. When the sun shines through these most amazing plants, it is a sight to behold.

177.6 Making The Voice and Emotion Connection

When I write these posts I often picture you, the readers. Some of you I know well and some I have never met. I can't see who you are, but through the magic (?) of technology, I can see where you are, what part of the U.S. or world you are located in! And, since I have a fairly stable number of readers each day, for which I am very grateful, I feel a real connection to you.

So today I'll reveal a little more about myself that you may or may not know.

My voice shows the ravages of life and time more than my body! I used to sing in small groups and in church choirs. No, I was never a soloist nor did I have a great voice, but I could sing harmony and really enjoyed it. About 20 some years ago I suffered a major depression accompanied by big hits of anxiety. I was treated with a lot of mind numbing drugs and gained my first big chunk of weight. Along with the depression and anxiety, my voice quality was lost. It became quite hoarse and it still has a croaky sound to it most of the time. I also lost my ability to feel/express a lot of emotion. I've been off all these drugs for about 10 years, but the voice and authentic emotion have never returned.

So, now I am going to try to change that. Tomorrow I am having my first session with a specialist in voice work, and I'm quite excited about it. And, I have good reason to believe that by doing it, I may be able to get some emotion flowing within me. We'll see!

187.8 Giving Up More Than Calories

I have been thinking a lot about why weight loss and maintaining that loss is so difficult, no matter how much you want to lose weight. Here's what I've come up with. When you embark on weight loss, you have to know on a very deep level that you can never go back to old food behaviors, even though you have to have food every day.

A smoker can quit and never be tempted on a regular basis to smoke, and this goes for alcoholics and drinking, as well. They don't have to have a cigarette or a drink everyday in order to survive. But we have to eat. Also, there's a food for every season, for every reason, for every problem and for every joy. So you give up more than just calories when you embark on weight loss. You have to give up the emotional connections you have established with food. So many of us who have struggled with weight seem not to get that and think that we can eventually return to the familiar.

The most important question to answer before you start on a weight loss journey, and it is a journey, is what are you going to get out of it and how much do you want that. Then leave the notes and pictures (of you at a heavy weight) in the refrigerator and/or food cupboards to remind yourself that that is why you are not going to take that whatever...because you want something more than you want that item of food that you are reaching for. This has to be the overriding element that determines success or failure.

If you have ideas about what makes it so difficult please share them with me either through a direct email (smbmiller@cox.net) or as a comment. What do you think?

195.6 Need A Good Cry

Did you see how that weight popped up again? I don't know why I am pointing it out, but I'm mad, which is always better than sad and eating to assuage the pain. It just seems so odd that I can lose, let's see 247 - 195= 52 pounds, but I can't seem to lose anymore. I've tried all kinds of food, exercise regimes, hypnosis, and awareness techniques and I just can't seem to keep moving downward on the scale. If I hadn't just bought a new scale, I would probably try that too.

So, I'm working on emotional stuff, again. I haven't really talked about this, but I don't cry. I can get good and angry (just ask Jeff), but tears are hard to come by. I'd think without wine and food to numb out with, I might have some tears, but I don't. I wasn't always like this, but as I was growing up, being brave, being tough was much more highly valued that showing emotion. So, I'll keep working on things and one of these days, that number will start down in earnest.

I'm wondering if there are others who are reading the blog and are heavy, who share this characteristic of not shedding tears. I've joked that I have dry eye. I guess it's not really very funny.

194.2 How Do You Know?

We had a great time in Prescott. This morning we met my sister and her husband for breakfast and then headed down to Scottsdale. About 30 miles outside of Prescott I remembered that my scale was still at my cousin's house. You know how you get distracted when you are trying to do a lot at once? I remember thinking I needed to get it out of the bathroom, and then I didn't think about it until we were well on our way. I liked having my own scale with me, but now what? I have my old scale that is very fickle and unreliable. But that's what I will use until I get my favorite one back.

My sister and I had a good conversation about when you are older how do you know if it's worth it to lose weight. If you feel pretty good and have no immediate health issues, and even though you may look heavy, what does it take to push you over the line into the place where you take action and commit yourself to new behaviors? I have a hunch if I knew the answer to that I could sell it on the internet and make big money. Any ideas?

209.4 The Power of Food

I have been thinking about the power that I have given to food over the course of my life.  I have given it the power to make me happy, to quell my discontent, to comfort my anxiety, and of course, to nourish my body, oh, and by the way, my spirit, too.  It is just food!  Why do I give it so much power?  In my family when I was a teenager, whenever I was unhappy my mom would jokingly ask if Susie needed a cookie!  Of course I did, at least two!

But I have friends who, maybe like you, can't eat if they are unhappy, or upset, or even very happy.  Why is it that they don't give food the power to help them through life's ups and downs?  Is this something we learn or is it just the way we happen to be wired to deal with stresses?

No matter why I am the way I am about food and its power, it has been important for me to change my view of the connection between food and my emotions.  I have needed to figure out how to make the situation better and leave food out of it.  Over the past months I have made big strides in this arena both in terms of awareness and in terms of  taking action instead of taking something to eat.  Susie doesn't need a cookie when she's unhappy anymore!