192.0 A Bad Night and a Difficult Day

Today started out to be a very difficult day. My weight has continued to go up and I know why. Last night I totally lost my focus and ate unconsciously and out of control. That really hasn't happened like this in a long time and it bothered the heck out of me that I did it.

This morning when I got on the scale I was filled with anger and disgust at myself about what I did last night. How could I have done that? #*#! happens and it sure happened last night. The good news is that I have been very upset and uncomfortable with the fact I over ate to the extent I did last night. I am determined that this is not going to become a pattern that I can ignore. I am fighting back.

So today I was able to start turning things around, and I spent some time repairing my spirit along with getting back on track. It was made a little more difficult because we went to a dinner party at the home of some dear friends. The hosts didn't know about my experience over the past 24 hours. They were hosting out of town guests who helped them prepare and serve an elegant, delicious meal with lots of healthy options so I enjoyed every bite. It worked out very well and we had a great time.

I'm fessing up because this blog is worthless if I'm not honest about what really is going on with me as I continue to face this challenge that I have given myself of losing 80 pounds. As I have said in earlier posts, it is definitely not an even slide down those numbers on the scale. So I'm back to staying aware of every bite, back to exercise, back to working on being filled with gratitude for my life.

195.6 Need A Good Cry

Did you see how that weight popped up again? I don't know why I am pointing it out, but I'm mad, which is always better than sad and eating to assuage the pain. It just seems so odd that I can lose, let's see 247 - 195= 52 pounds, but I can't seem to lose anymore. I've tried all kinds of food, exercise regimes, hypnosis, and awareness techniques and I just can't seem to keep moving downward on the scale. If I hadn't just bought a new scale, I would probably try that too.

So, I'm working on emotional stuff, again. I haven't really talked about this, but I don't cry. I can get good and angry (just ask Jeff), but tears are hard to come by. I'd think without wine and food to numb out with, I might have some tears, but I don't. I wasn't always like this, but as I was growing up, being brave, being tough was much more highly valued that showing emotion. So, I'll keep working on things and one of these days, that number will start down in earnest.

I'm wondering if there are others who are reading the blog and are heavy, who share this characteristic of not shedding tears. I've joked that I have dry eye. I guess it's not really very funny.

197.0 No Longer Obese!

I think the first time I noticed the word obese being used to describe me was on a medical report before my first back surgery. I think I decided that the transcriber was confused about what the doctor had actually written, because my age was wrong, also. In the aftermath of the surgery and further medical reports, I did see that word again, but just didn't let it get to me. I probably went and had something to eat each time I read it, as a way to lessen the emotional pain of that reality.

Recently, as I have become more aware of everything, the word obese has really bothered me and I began to think of it as a very harsh, bad word. There are categories of weight ranges based on the Body Mass Index or BMI that are calculated from the height and weight of a person. Last night, I got back on my Wii Fit after having not done it for several weeks, and low and behold, I am no longer obese! The word overweight has never looked so good to me. Yes, I am overweight and now will work to get into the normal range.

Having been raised on the adage that "sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me", I am here to say that words can hurt. Obese is just a word, but for me it has been a reflection of very painful self knowledge. I now feel like I have graduated and along with losing the 50 pounds, I have a second reason to be very happy.

One way I have lost the weight is to eat fish more often. Here's a great recipe that is easy and quick that can be used with any fish similar to sea bass. http://www.cdkitchen.com/recipes/recs/433/Sea-Bass-With-Ginger-Sauce91805.shtml Enjoy!