175.0 Not A Great Day!

You know, today was just not a great day. I didn't feel very well and had no idea what I was going to write about today. I actually took a short nap because I felt so yucky and I had to teach my new tutoree. He's a young businessman from Japan who speaks quite well but wants to improve his fluency. It's been quite a challenge for me because I've never tutored one on one like this. So after my nap, I felt better, and actually had the best session that we've had (our 5th). When it ended at 6 pm I jumped in the car and headed for home. To be honest, I was racing home to make dinner. I'm using the word racing loosely here. I think I was in hypnosis! I had no idea I was speeding, but once I saw the flashing lights behind me I had that sinking feeling that I had been driving a little faster than usual. I was stopped for going 50 in a 30 mile an hour zone. What was really funny was that the policeman was so nice. He asked me if I knew why he had stopped me in a real chatty voice so I responded that perhaps I was going a little fast. I smiled and he smiled. We both smiled and then he didn't smile anymore. And I got a ticket. I don't know yet how much I am going to owe the glorious City of Scottsdale since I have to go online to get that information.

But wait! I just read the "complaint" carefully and I think they have the wrong woman. It says in big numbers that I weigh 200 pounds! That is not me, even after a night at P. F. Changs! And it probably wasn't me when when I filled out the information on my driver's license application because I usually pared down my weight in situations like that. I probably weighed closer to 220, not 200. Do you think I can get out of this ticket because they have out dated/wrong information? I don't think so either!

174.0 Day of Self Indulgence

Maybe that's part of self compassion? Anyway, I started my day having breakfast with Jennifer at the Paradise Bakery. From there I went to get a pedicure and ended up getting the special package that included dipping my feet into paraffin. OMG, did that feel wonderful and my heels are no longer like chisels! And now I am heading off to an appointment with my massage therapist. I know. It's hard to be me sometimes, but somebody's got to do it so it may as well be me! Hope you are having a great day!

173.0 Heart? Head?

Jeff and I have a new game that we play to make each other laugh as we try to make a decision. I call it the Heart? Head? game and it goes like this. You want something but you know it isn't really good for you to do or eat or drink, etc. So you ask what the other thinks and then start saying, "heart? head?" and keep repeating those words until you decide what you're going to do. It can go either way. I'm thinking that a goal in life might be to integrate your heart with you head (mind) so that the best solution is the one that you always go with. Hmmm...heart? head? No matter what, it makes us both laugh. That's a good outcome any day.

175.2 Short and Sweet

I just returned from meeting with Jennifer and all can say is she is truly a gift in my life. I feel like she helped me pull up the shades on the windows and the light is streaming back in. Through hypnosis and her amazing wisdom and healing power, the depression has moved on, and I feel much more alive and present. Thanks, Jennifer.

Jeff and I are off to see the movie The Town. It's our old town, Boston, and it's supposed to be a great movie.

Hope you are having a great day, too.

178.2 Weight Loss Contagion

Recently I've been reading a lot about the fact that there is something to the notion that weight has a contagious element to it. In Women Food and God Geneen Roth talks about how the glue that can sustain a group of friends can be the 10 pounds each wants to but can't seem to lose. And in Mindless Eating, it is pointed out that those who eat together usually will eat the same amount. When you eat out, look around. You will probably see, especially among women, that they can often be close in stature and what they order is similar. One is rarely eating a salad while the other has a hamburger with fries. Before the weight loss, I would always encourage the others to order first so that I wouldn't be eating out of sync with them. If they all ordered salads, why, of course, I ordered a salad. If a dessert was ordered, ah, yes, I, too, would order a dessert! Someone relatively close to me wrote in response to learning that I had lost another 10 pounds that she hated skinny people. (Skinny I am not, but plump she is.)

Jeff has lost almost 40 pounds since I started losing weight. No, he doesn't see Jennifer, and he doesn't consciously use hypnosis (that could be the basis of another post), and we often don't eat the same things. And, I have never told him that he should lose weight or to do what I do :). Suggestions like those usually backfire. But he's been in my contagion zone, if you will. (I'm smiling as I write this because I'm hearing Elizabeth Gilbert's voice in my head reading Eat, Pray, Love in which she uses that expression at least 50 times - not an expression I commonly use!). He's seen me eat half of what I used to eat, never take second helpings, and he's observed my comfort with leaving food on my plate. And, he's probably eaten more veges and salads in the past couple of years than he'd eaten over the first 25 years of his life! He started working out in addition to playing golf, his passion that he used to assure me was all the exercise he needed as he drove a cart around the golf course everyday. Now he often walks the first 9 holes.

I am so lucky to be with a guy who has been able to go with the constraints I put on what food we have around the house. We simply don't have junk food because I don't want to be tempted every time I open the cupboard. He agreed to that. And, if he's willing to barbeque and I want fish or chicken and he wants a steak, that's fine with him. If he wants a potato and I don't, that's fine with me. And, it's been interesting to see how few potatoes actually get cooked, and how few steaks are eaten. We used to eat out very frequently, and he's accepted that I am much more comfortable staying home so that I can control the choices and preparation, so he's given that up to a considerable extent, also. And, when he just can't take it anymore, he'll offer to go to Costco alone so he can get his hot dog fix, and we joke about it.

And what about the wine? I have known couples that have trouble when one stops drinking. There can be resentment on either side and a shift often takes place in the relationship. I've told people that Jeff and I used to really enjoy drinking together. At around 5 every evening, that's what we did. When I decided to stop, Jeff did not stop. That was okay with me and I really didn't expect him to stop. And, thankfully, I didn't experience resentment on his part. But, guess what? He now probably drinks less than half what he used to. Who knew??

So congratulations Jeff on the weight loss, and thanks for all of your support.

179.2 Losing Isn't Always A Good Thing!

Sometimes losing isn't a good thing. I'm really bummed because I can't find my high school senior class yearbook. About a month ago I learned that my high school class is having its 50th reunion. I haven't been to any Palo Alto High School Class of 1960 reunions since heading off to UCLA and beyond. Anyway, today Jeff and I searched everywhere for my yearbooks. We found one from 1958 when I was a sophomore, but I want that senior year yearbook.

We've moved eleven times since we were married, but I know I had it at the house before this one, and figure that if 1958 made it, the other two should also have made the move. It is about 115 degrees in our garage where a lot of our stuff is stored, and I finally gave up trying to go through things due to the heat. But I'll keep looking.

Why is it so important? To be honest, I'm not sure, but I think it's because I want to recognize as many people as possible when I see them at the reunion. I think that translates to the fact I want people to recognize me:)! But who am I kidding! I just hope there are name tags available.

(Here I am on the 5th day. Things are looking much better!)

183.4 More About Voices

Ever since I posted yesterday's note about my use of hypnosis to get rid of those unwelcome, detrimental voices from the past, I've been thinking about ways to do it without hypnosis. And, I've come up with one idea that I think will work for those of you who want to tackle this.

My sister Priscilla wrote that she has started to write down the negative voices/messages from her past that she hears and confronts them rather than trying to ignore them. My suggestion takes it one step further and that involves taking a negative message and changing it so that it becomes positive. For example, if the message about not wasting food plagues you and you want to feel free to eat less than your serving, tell yourself that you can eat only what you want and that you will send a donation to a charity that supports child hunger programs (and do it) if that will make you feel better about not cleaning your plate. If you hear a voice telling you that you are so overweight it doesn't matter what you eat (one of the near and not so dear voices from my past) you can change that to I want to lose weight so every bite of food I put in my mouth matters, and I can control it.

I hope this is helpful and makes sense. There are lots of ways to make changes so that you will get to where we want to be. You may have better ideas of how to take charge of the negative and make it positive. Go for it, and let me know what you find is helpful.

195.6 Need A Good Cry

Did you see how that weight popped up again? I don't know why I am pointing it out, but I'm mad, which is always better than sad and eating to assuage the pain. It just seems so odd that I can lose, let's see 247 - 195= 52 pounds, but I can't seem to lose anymore. I've tried all kinds of food, exercise regimes, hypnosis, and awareness techniques and I just can't seem to keep moving downward on the scale. If I hadn't just bought a new scale, I would probably try that too.

So, I'm working on emotional stuff, again. I haven't really talked about this, but I don't cry. I can get good and angry (just ask Jeff), but tears are hard to come by. I'd think without wine and food to numb out with, I might have some tears, but I don't. I wasn't always like this, but as I was growing up, being brave, being tough was much more highly valued that showing emotion. So, I'll keep working on things and one of these days, that number will start down in earnest.

I'm wondering if there are others who are reading the blog and are heavy, who share this characteristic of not shedding tears. I've joked that I have dry eye. I guess it's not really very funny.

207.6 Why I'm Going Nowhere Fast

Are you frustrated, too, looking at my weight, not going anywhere fast?  I am and I have written about this before.  It is easy to be frustrated if I focus on tenths of a pound, but that is what I look at every morning when I weigh myself.  I do feel great about the fact that I have lost 40 pounds, but I forget about that when I get on the scale every morning.

This program is about discipline, and boy, have I learned to be disciplined about what I eat.  But if I am honest, there is one part of the program that I am not disciplined about and that is using self hypnosis.  I never seem to have time to take 20 minutes out of the day and just do it.  I need to do it if I am going to reach my goal in the 21st century.  This is just a little too slow.  By doing the self hypnosis I can remind myself of all the various parts to this program and the suggestions that will renew my attitude and energy.  Jennifer has taught me to do self hypnosis and I have no good excuse.  So, on that note, I am off to start the first day of doing self hypnosis everyday.

And here's a picture of the cutest smiling dog in the world.

Smilin' Charlee

208.2 Believing

A part of this weight loss journey that I am on relies on hypnosis, and paying attention to my inner voice, or inner spirit.  I can't explain how or why hypnosis is works, but I know it does for me.  I have talked to a few folks who are quite threatened with the concept and, no matter what I might say, would not feel comfortable being hypnotized.  I, on the other  hand, trust in it and find it safe and exhilarating and helpful.

Going to my inner spirit is a little like praying but more like having a conversation and then being open to how my inner voice or spirit responds. There has been a leap of faith involved that has had to be taken for this to become a part of me.  Sometimes it is hard for me to understand the whole concept  of listening to my inner spirit, but when I do, it has revealed amazing insights and thought provoking answers to my questions/requests.

As I was thinking about it today, it came to me that most of us don't really understand how computers work, how cyberspace is organized, or how we can receive an email almost instantaneously.  (Cher has recorded a song called "Believe".  I keep hearing that accoustically reverberated word believe in my mind as I write about this.)  But we use the computer to make all sorts of things possible even though we don't understand exactly how it all works.

I believe in many things I don't fully understand, including ideas and concepts that have no physical form.  I think it is a good thing to believe in an inner voice that I can't see but that has the power to transform me into the person I am meant to be.  So, inner spirit, you and I are going to develop a stronger and deepening relationship as I continue on this weight loss path.

209.6 Lost and Found

When I came back from Italy and had lost weight, I was ecstatic!  I was also so excited that my back had done such a great job of supporting me throughout the trip.  But after about a week the excitement started to slowly dissipate and I have been slogging through life on lots of fronts, especially this weight loss front.  I have been trying to figure out why. What is going on with me?

Today I think I figured it out.  The trip to Italy had loomed huge since May when we first decided to do it.  After returning home, I have felt a little lost without the trip to look forward to, and the accompanying motivation to lose weight, and to get stronger.

So, today I am making a recommitment to the program and to the new me that will continually emerge as I move forward toward my goal.  I may not be able to "see" myself as a thin person, but I can picture myself playing golf, doing Yoga, taking hikes all over this gorgeous state, and just moving with more ease as a result of losing the rest of the weight.

It is early evening and I just came in from taking my walk.  This time I didn't listen to Willie Nelson.  I listened to my own voice repeating the phrases of encouragement that have helped me through the first part of this program so effectively.  One of my favorites is "I don't want it, I don't need it, and I am not going to have it because I want something more.  I want my health."  Thanks to the hypnosis CD that Jennifer made for me I have a whole litany of similar phrases to help me deal with cravings, help me make good choices,  and remind me to love my body, love exercise, and be good to my self.  I think I have found a good alternative to Willie, at least for a while.

208.8 A Changed Mind

I have talked a little about hypnosis as a part of this weight loss experience.  The first time I was hypnotized I was a senior in high school and  my cousin Marcia, who had learned to use hypnosis as a tool to study for her PHD thesis orals, hypnotized me.  I had an English paper to write and through hypnosis she gave me enthusiasm for the subject and confidence that I could write this paper.  She also said that I would really enjoy writing the paper.  I remember that I did experience all of those things as I wrote that paper.  When the teacher returned it to me she had graded it with a big red letter A and then wrote "What happened?"  What happened was that I had been empowered by hypnosis!

In the most recent hypnosis CD that Jennifer made for me she says, "You have changed your mind".  This does not refer to dithering, something I have been known to excel in according to my husband.  It has to do with a real shift in how I think about myself since starting this weight loss program.  And this shift, this change in how I view myself is one of the best outcomes as a result of losing the weight.

How has my mind been changed?  I no longer think of myself as someone who is disabled.  I no longer think of myself as someone who is just too old to try something new.  And, I no longer think of myself as fat!  How's that?  Oh yes, I still have a lot of weight to lose and I am very aware of that, but instead of feeling fat and unattractive, I feel thinner, happier,  and confident that I will lose the remaining pounds to reach my goal.

Once again, I was empowered by hypnosis!  Having a changed mind is even better than getting an A on an important assignment.