185.2 Writing Again!

I've been off track with the blog and with my own writing for a long time now. What I've noticed is if I get off track with one thing, things seem to cascade into chaos on all fronts. I lose focus on eating, exercise, organization in my office, writing for fun - it all goes away. So I'm trying to get it all back. My office is in much better shape out of necessity as we get ready for Christmas and the arrival of all of our children and grandchildren. My food choices and amounts seem to be taking care of themselves. This morning I made only a 1/4 cup of oatmeal instead of the 1/2 cup that is considered a serving on the box, and ended up not finishing that. I was full, I felt full which is still a big deal for me because I'm not always aware of how I feel. Exercise is still not really on track since I've been in trouble with my right hip and assorted other aches and pains, but nothing too serious. Tomorrow I'll make an appointment to see my physical therapist and get that problem solved. So, I wonder if my chaos issues are pretty common, that cascading chaos is what happens to most of us when one thing gets out of control?

We had a great time in Hawaii, by the way. I was able to go snorkeling twice when the water was fairly calm. I hadn't been snorkeling since all of my back issues befell me starting in 2003, so that was a big deal to be able to do that. The Big Island was full of hidden treasures ~ beaches, restaurants, vistas, lectures, etc. We visited the Place Botanical Garden which is owned and operated by my nephew's wife's father and it was amazingly beautiful and her father's dream come true.

I admit that this is really an odd time for me to make a commitment to start writing more regularly but I do want to reconnect with this part of me and with you.

183.4 Does This Bother You, too?

I'm probably just being overly sensitive but the emails that are floating around aimed at older women telling them that they deserve to eat all the cookies, cakes, and pies that they want really bother me. It's sort of like giving us permission to throw in the towel and rejoice about being fat. I don't believe that everyone needs to be thin, but indulging in sweets or whatever just because you're older seems all backwards. What about the fact that issues of diabetes, heart disease, arthritis, etc., only get worse the older/heavier you are. I hope I haven't lost my sense of humor during this weight loss journey, but I really don't think these emails are helpful or thoughtful.

I'm still pondering the issue of there being a hormone (leptin) that gets out of whack and may be the reason so many big weight losers have trouble keeping the weight off. I'm not going to just give in and I hope the current evidence will be proven wrong. But if it is correct, I'm hoping before long I can pop a pill to even things out.

Returning To The New

Sometimes it's the obvious that gets forgotten. Once I reached my goal weight, I quit listening to the weight loss hypnosis CDs that Jennifer Scott had made for me. And as I've been struggling to stop gaining weight and getting back somewhere near that goal weight, I've finally focused on the fact that I haven't been following some basic ideas that I took to heart with great seriousness as I was in the weight loss mode. So yesterday I made new signs that are now adorning the refrigerator and the interior of the pantry, and I've started listening to the CDs. I felt such a difference yesterday as I approached food, and this morning the old phase "eat half" was at play in my brain and it was automatic once again. I'm hoping that I've found some new/old ways to help me regain that courage and strength as I face what I am really understanding has been a truth all along and that is I really am addicted to using food to blot out emotional ups and downs.

180.6 Self Hypnosis

One of the things I realize that I have not been doing that was part of the weight loss program that I worked on with Jennifer Scott is self hypnosis. I have written about wanting to get back into that zone of weight loss and hypnosis played a big part in the 80 pound weight loss. So now I have something else to add to my to do list everyday. It is odd that I let that go because it doesn't take more than about 15 minutes, there is no deprivation or exercise involved :), and I know it will help me.

Hmmmm....!

178.6 A Lifelong Pursuit

Disappointed and unsure why it popped up again. Let's hear it for salt...maybe. Oh well, this is a lifelong pursuit, not something that I will ever be able to just put aside and not deal with.

I just talked to my son Ted who was remembering how I was when his boys were little guys and I couldn't really play with them because of my back issues that were exacerbated by my weight, and how different I am with them now. I do play with them and they love it. If that isn't motivation to stay with the program, I don't know what would be. Thanks, Ted.

173.2 Upside Down and Crazy

Two of my friends have been diagnosed with cancer during the past 4 weeks, and I’m worrying about whether I’m gaining or losing 2/10th to 4/10th of a pound. It all seems so upside down and crazy.

173.6 Well, How About That!

I haven't been counting because I don't need to. The blog site I use does it for me! I am writing my 500th post as of today. I've written about the good, the bad, and the ugly vagaries of this weight loss adventure, and about a lot of stuff that has nothing to do with weight loss no matter how I have tried to make a connection.

So for all of you that have hung in there with me over these 500 + days, thanks for being a part of it all. And, even if you just read it now and then, I'm glad to have you along. I'm pretty addicted to writing these posts. It just doesn't feel right if I don't do it for whatever reason. Oh, here we go...the weight loss connection is about to occur :)! When I don't write it's a little like taking my eye off my goal of maintaining my weight loss. It just doesn't feel right. So I'll keep writing and watching my weight and I hope you'll check in with me now and then.

174.8 Comments on Comments

Even though I don't often comment on comments that I get from readers, but I do want to say that I love getting comments. When I blog, I am writing to individuals in my mind, people I know who read my blog, and I'm writing to all those potential readers who may stumble onto this blog about weight loss.

Yesterday I really appreciated both the comments I received. My daughter gently reminded me that I had just written about The Little Engine That Could and that I should remember the phrase, "I think I can, I think I can". Since she was raised on that story, it made me feel great that it had resonated with her and her pointing out the fact that I had written about determination really hit home. And my sister Priscilla also wrote to encourage me. She's done so well managing the maintenance piece of weight loss over many, many years and her corroboration that this is a continual undertaking helps me put it in to perspective and to get on with it.

So I'm back at it, will keep at it, and know that there is no other option for me but to stay aware, weigh myself everyday, and eat wisely and with consciousness. Onward and downward!

173.2 Party Time

Not now, not today, but yesterday and that's what I'm blaming my upward tilt on (do you like that?) in weight. So I'm back at it. A couple of weeks ago I was writing about how easy maintenance was but now I'm not so sure. I'm bouncing around on the high side of paradise.

171.6 The Last Picture Show!

Remember the movie by that name? For months, Jennifer Scott has said that once I reached my goal weight we'd do a final video. Today was the big day!

Now I've never liked any of the videos that we've done together. I really don't like talking about myself while being filmed. I do like to talk about myself with friends and family, as they will tell you without hesitation, but as soon as the camera is turned on me I morph into this totally unrecognizable person who seems to be high on some illegal drug.

I hope today's video is better than those done in the past. I was definitely more myself and more at ease that in the earlier videos, probably because of all of the changes that have taken place. I really wanted to explain all the elements that came together to make this weight loss possible, and, to explain that it hasn't been just all about weight loss. It's about me becoming free of all that old stuff, those old burdens, physical and emotional!

We'll see. Jennifer wants to put it on her Facebook page and I may put it on this blog once it is edited. If I look alive, I'll post it. Otherwise, you'll never see it :)!

190.0 Always On My Mind

Those of you who have been reading this blog for a long time know that I was obsessed with Willie Nelson for a while, singing along with his music as I was first beginning to be able to walk for exercise, about a year ago. Now I am obsessed with the music from Mamma Mia and listen to it every time I get on the elliptical.

My daughter Alee recently told me that she wanted to lose some weight but didn't want to be obsessed with food while she was in the process of trying to lose it. I talked with Jennifer about what Alee had said, and her response was that when we are heavy and not purposeful about what we are eating, we are still obsessed, to use Alee's word, about food, weight, etc., and, isn't it better to be obsessed with losing weight and becoming more healthy than being obsessed with feeling fat and unattractive and thinking about eating to numb the feelings of sadness and unhappiness related to weight issues.

I've been giving this a lot of thought and think food and weight will always be on my mind, and they have been on my mind ever since I was a young teenager and realized that food and weight are intrinsically intertwined with the other.

So yes, you will be obsessed with food as you undertake weight loss, but it will be associated with becoming healthier, feeling more energetic, and having more confidence about how you look, and move. And, the obsession becomes a good thing, like someone you love very much who is always on your mind, rather than a curse.

199.6 What's Up!

It's hard to control weight when you travel. Travel often involves gatherings (around food) with friends and relatives, and sometimes the food options that are presented to me cause me to feel uncomfortable. I have blogged about this before, since this year in particular has involved a lot of travel for me. But something is at work within me that has enabled me to travel without gaining much weight at all.

I have been thinking about this all day and I think I know what's up! Portion control and staying present are keeping me from doing too much damage. Staying present is tricky for me, especially when I am facing high stress, anxiety provoking situations. It is easy for me to become unaware, to go inward into my own little world that is far removed from how much I am eating, how fast I am eating, and what I am eating. Portion control is easier, especially if I check in with myself beforehand about how I am going to deal with the immediate challenges faced by a long buffet of all kinds of good looking food, or even a menu that offers very little in the way of healthy eating choices. One of the nights when we were in Indiana the waitress asked me if I wanted a small house salad with my order and, thinking that would fill me up and be healthy, I said yes and automatically asked for the dressing on the side. Well, the salad came so heavily covered with grated cheese that I could not possibly remove it. I apologized for not asking more questions before I ordered it and then asked for a salad without cheese. This is a new behavior for me because in the past I would have felt that I shouldn't bother the waitress about it and I would have just eaten it, including the cheese. When she returned with the new salad, I was delighted and surprised to see that there were several cherry tomatoes on the salad that weren't even visible because there had been so much cheese.

So now I am back home for a while, totally in control of all that I eat. Let's see if I can't knock some more of this weight off. Or, should I say, let's see if I CAN knock some more of this weight off!

199.0 The Push and Pull of Change

Losing weight is always related to change. You can't do it without changing a few or many things about how and what you eat as you start undertaking a "weight loss adventure". And, your appearance changes as you lose more and more weight. In so many aspects of our lives, change is a constant, especially change brought about by external events. It is the change we impose upon ourselves that presents the biggest challenge. Folks ask if I feel different being 50 pounds lighter, and of course I do. But I am also getting used to the way it feels. And, I still face the challenge of weaving change into my everyday life everyday. Some things are very automatic now and for that I am very grateful. But there is always that tug of war going on between the push to change and the pull to return to the old. Change does not exist as something that you accomplish one day and then that's that.

I am at a very significant place right now. Twice before in my life I have lost 50 pounds and then at that point I would declare the diet a success, and slowly but surely regain those lost pounds. This time I am determined to continue to lose (30 more pounds) to reach my goal of weighing 170. But if you are keeping your eye on the number before the title of each blog, you will see that I have bogged down at this 50 pound point. Over the next few months I will lose those 30 pounds and then I will face the challenge of keeping them off. I am convinced the push to change will overtake the pull to go back and the result will be exciting and perhaps unexpected.

Oh, I also need to say that I may not be blogging everyday over the next few days. A dear relative passed away and I am not sure that I will be able to post any blogs. Do check back late next week.

199.0 Are You Sabotaging Yourself?

Things are not looking up. I still feel horrible even though I am now taking Azithromycin. I know, I know, I'm a bit impatient. I took my first dose at about 2 pm. I tried a new doctor today because I just haven't connected with the one that I usually see. Jeff highly recommended the doc he sees at this same practice. "It must be me", is what I said when I returned home. There was no connection and I don't think that I, as the sick party, should have to do all the work to get the feeling that any doctor really cares about what is going on with me.

While I was at Walgreen's waiting for my prescription, I saw that they were selling a magazine called Arthritis Today. Now I know that most of you don't have arthritis, but the magazine is full of great nutrition tips, exercises for agility, and good health information. I get the magazine delivered to me at home because I support the Arthritis Foundation. There's no surprise there, since my sister Priscilla and I have osteoarthritis and my sister Barbara has rheumatoid arthritis. Why I am writing about this? Well, there is a wonderful article on page 31 entitled "Are You Sabotaging Yourself?" I know I have done that a lot over the years. The article isn't just about weight loss. It's also about getting a new job, and/or, a new love interest. So check it out and see if some of it doesn't ring true for you. Self knowledge is crucial to changing behavior.

199.8 Happy New You!

When our son Ted was just learning to talk, instead of wishing a Happy New Year, he would say "Happy New You!" It's funny the things we remember, and this year especially I think Happy New You is a great way to start the new year off. Since most of those who are reading this blog are interested in weight loss, a new you is a great goal to have. Because weight loss isn't just about losing pounds or inches. It's really about self discovery and as I get older I realize that a very significant part of our life's journey is about self discovery which goes back to my often blogged about need for being conscious and aware. Until I recognized my behaviors around food and became tuned in to them, there was no way I was going to be able to change my habits and my thinking about food for the long haul. (Oh, I am so rambleling, but there is a theme here.)

Since we lived in Boston for so many years, Ellen Goodman became one of our favorite columnists in the Boston Globe. Today her last column was printed as she leaves the working world to join those of us in retirement. Here is the link to her column which is not just about retirement, but also about reinventing oneself, becoming a New You.
http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/editorial_opinion/oped/articles/2010/01/01/letting_go_and_looking_ahead/?s_campaign=8315

So, in case you didn't notice, I've landed in the 100s as of today. Yes, you can laugh since I just squeaked under the wire, but for me it's a huge victory. And it's the beginning of a new challenge to reach the 170 mark when I will have lost 77 pounds! I can hardly wait to experience all of the other changes that I will encounter as I meet my new me.

no scale Back to Home Cookin'

Driving from Las Vegas to Scottsdale is one of the most boring, beautiful, and longest 5 hour rides imaginable. The Hoover Dam and the new highway and bridge that are being constructed there right now are very interesting and are amazing engineering feats! But once we saw that, there was basically nothing to break up the desolation of the area. There is even a place to stop for snacks called Nothing! My daughter Alee and I stopped there once just so we could take her picture in front of the "Nothing" sign! There was nothing there.

This morning was the last challenge, but it actually wasn't as hard as it might have been. We didn't have time to go sit down at one of the restaurants in the hotel so we went to the John Philippe chocolate display where we could get coffee and "a little something" quickly. After studying each of the gorgeous pastries, including bear claws, my favorite, I ordered a vegetable quiche and ate just one-half. I really didn't want a bear claw or any of the other pastries so that was a good change. Before undertaking this weight loss, I probably would have had a big croissant or bear claw and ordered another one to eat in the car, ostensibly for lunch, but it never would have made it that long! We did stop at a Wendy's for lunch, and after a lot of thought, I ordered a baked potato with reduced fat sour cream and chives. It tasted fine and was so much better for me than any of the other choices. And, I just came home from the grocery store with fish and vegies.

Getting back on track after traveling is always accompanied with a welcome sense of relief now. But we sure did have a great time. Now I have to get my act together for Christmas, right?

203.2 Ah, The Mysteries of Weight Loss

It is so curious how this weight loss stuff works. If you look on the right, you can see how long I have been stuck in the 205 range. And then, yesterday I weighed 204 and today, 203! What changed? What is the reason for this drop all of a sudden?

Is it the Wii Fit? Is it the eliptical? Is it the self hypnosis that I started doing again, after letting that slip for a while? Is it a combination of factors? I don't know. What I do know that makes it even more mysterious is that last night at about 9pm I got on the scale and weighed 206.

I am not going to spend too much time wondering about why. I am going to be grateful, smile and keep working on this weight loss using all my tools. I just love it when that scale tells me I lost weight and I didn't even move it! (See my blog written on 11/15.) I did get on twice this morning just to make sure I wasn't seeing things! And, of course, the suspense starts building! What will I weigh tomorrow morning?

207.0 Valuing The Unexpected

I look for ideas all over the place for this blog.  Sometimes I write about something that has happened to me, or occured to me, and sometimes I write about other people.  So far I have been inspired to write something almost everyday.  Today I got my inspiration from an ad in the newspaper.  It was an ad for Accenture and featured Tiger Woods looking determined as he strode through some very high weeds, obviously looking for his golf ball.  The ad read, "The Road to High Performance Isn't Always Paved".  I think it caught my eye because of my venture into the wash by our house.  It certainly wasn't paved.  And maybe, because I was able to get up and move on, I could consider it high performance?  I am laughing now!

What really rang true for me as I read this ad is that my road along this weight loss journey has often not felt like it was well paved.  It has had its ups and downs, unexpected turns and twists and yet it continues to carry me forward.

One the the most wonderful things that has occurred as a result of walking everyday is the connection I have made with nature.  Below are a few pictures of some things I saw today that I found either very beautiful or unexpected, or both.   I will get better at uploading photos, I promise!  Scroll down and enjoy.

Note the bird's nest.
I call this one "Making do".
                                                                           Cactus in bloom.

                                                                      

Close up of blossoms

                                Bouganvilla

209.6 Lost and Found

When I came back from Italy and had lost weight, I was ecstatic!  I was also so excited that my back had done such a great job of supporting me throughout the trip.  But after about a week the excitement started to slowly dissipate and I have been slogging through life on lots of fronts, especially this weight loss front.  I have been trying to figure out why. What is going on with me?

Today I think I figured it out.  The trip to Italy had loomed huge since May when we first decided to do it.  After returning home, I have felt a little lost without the trip to look forward to, and the accompanying motivation to lose weight, and to get stronger.

So, today I am making a recommitment to the program and to the new me that will continually emerge as I move forward toward my goal.  I may not be able to "see" myself as a thin person, but I can picture myself playing golf, doing Yoga, taking hikes all over this gorgeous state, and just moving with more ease as a result of losing the rest of the weight.

It is early evening and I just came in from taking my walk.  This time I didn't listen to Willie Nelson.  I listened to my own voice repeating the phrases of encouragement that have helped me through the first part of this program so effectively.  One of my favorites is "I don't want it, I don't need it, and I am not going to have it because I want something more.  I want my health."  Thanks to the hypnosis CD that Jennifer made for me I have a whole litany of similar phrases to help me deal with cravings, help me make good choices,  and remind me to love my body, love exercise, and be good to my self.  I think I have found a good alternative to Willie, at least for a while.

209.8 Another Weigh to Go!

I am back in plateau territory, obviously, and am going to see if I can't get moving into a better place, so hang in there with me!  It seems to me that lately things in this blog have been kind of heavy :) in tone, so today I just want to post this delightful cartoon that a friend sent!

Since I am a big proponent of weighing daily, this really made me laugh! Enjoy and have a great weekend!

    

The correct way to weigh yourself:   

 I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these years.