181.6 Being In A Good Place

I haven't liked these posts lately but I am staying true to my promise to keep writing. I'm pretty sick of not feeling well and it is definitely getting in my way in more ways than just this blog. What's bothering me is that there is nothing huge wrong with me, but I just don't feel free. I'm on more drugs now (for the allergic reaction in my face), and that always makes me feel a little edgy. And, I want to quit thinking about/worrying about what's going on with me.

The food issues are slowly getting back in control - today has been a good day without feeling hungry or wanting to eat to move into a haze. I am staying present and aware and that's a good place to be.

181.2 My Very Own Haboob

Watch this youtube video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8W4Cx44XKZ4) and you'll see what a haboob is all about. We missed it by one day, but flying into Phoenix was really creepy. The sky was gray but not cloudy. The mountains were indistinct and bleak looking. Our car, parked in the covered parking structure, was coated with dirt and grime and as we left the airport, the atmosphere of the city and road was more like that of a background scene in a disaster movie rather than reality.

What you see in the video is the slow unrelenting progress of this dust storm reported to be 60 miles wide and 10,000 feet high - very scary. When I got on the scale this morning the slow unrelenting progress of weight gain was also very scary. I thought about not writing at all today in hopes that if I waited until tomorrow I wouldn't have to confess to this weight gain. But I need to smack myself with what I've done, my own personal haboob. Oh, I can rationalize it all that I want to, but that doesn't change the new reality. (I had even brought my travel scale with me, but somehow just never chose to unpack it and can't even begin to explain that!) What's really interesting as I step back and think about what really went on during the past two weeks in regard to my weight is that compliments came from so many people I thought I could get away with not staying with the program. But I've been covered with the results of not staying present and aware so that now I'm in a state of disbelief and fear - a little like my feelings as we flew into Phoenix yesterday. Things are different now.

Our daughter MIranda with Zuzu

But, we had a wonderful time in Boston, getting acquainted with the most beautiful little girl in the world. Susannah had a rough beginning but she is thriving now under the exquisite care of her parents and doctors. Being born with a milk protein allergy was not part of the script that we had all expected to be played out. She's beginning to plump, and has the best temperament in the whole world, and no, she didn't get that from me!

One more thing :)... in the airport restroom I found this bouquet of flowers!

How could anyone not look at that and not smile. Is this an only in Boston moment?

171.0 Going Inward

I've written about my inner voice, that inner spirit that I have learned to call on whenever I need support, information, comfort. After writing yesterday's post about whether I need to lose more weight, this is what I learned by going inward and asking for help.

Stay present in your life, stay aware of what and how much you are eating, and most importantly keep up the exercise. Exercise builds a framework for your everyday life and will trigger all of the good habits that you have developed. Let your body decide what weight it wants to be and it will find a way to make that a reality. For good health, you don't need to lose more weight but you do need keep up the exercise and take good care of yourself. Love your body most of all.

There's not much to add to that except that I feel gratitude for this help. Now let's see what happens.

171.2 Reading The Cereal Box

Remember when you were a kid, sitting at the breakfast table reading the cereal box? Well, this morning I found myself reading the box of a new high fiber cereal that Kellogg is promoting! I went to the list of ingredients and couldn't believe my eyes. After counting 20 ingredients and only being about 1/3 of the way through the list, I quit and vowed never to buy this cereal again. Oh, it tastes very good, probably due to all of the additives. But do I really need all sorts of dyes added to my cereal, chemicals for this and that? I don't think so. I took out some other boxes of cereal to compare, and all of them had fewer than 8 ingredients and no dyes. Of course, good, old fashioned oatmeal takes the prize.

I'm more at peace with the weight loss and the beginning stages of maintenance than I have been during these early days of glory :)! It feels less daunting and as long as I stay present and conscious of what I'm eating and keep exercise and drinking lots of water high on my to do list, I'll be fine.

199.0 Hangin' In There

I am writing this first thing in the morning and I am in a funk! I thought I was on my way down without these mega jumps on the scale. Obviously, that isn't true. Knowing me through this blog or as a friend, you know that I have put out all sorts of reasons why this occurs, blaming it on salt, lack of exercise, what I did the night before or what I did 2 days earlier. And you know what the truth is...I don't know.

So what do I know? That I am mad and now instead of eating when I get mad, I tend to become more determined to hold the course. And I am embarrassed. These are the times when I wish I didn't do this blog because I am putting my struggles out there for all to see.

So dear followers and first timers, hang in there with me. Using hypnosis, staying present, listening to my inner spirit and exercising, how can I not lose more weight? And, knowing you are in this with me helps so much to keep me going.

199.6 What's Up!

It's hard to control weight when you travel. Travel often involves gatherings (around food) with friends and relatives, and sometimes the food options that are presented to me cause me to feel uncomfortable. I have blogged about this before, since this year in particular has involved a lot of travel for me. But something is at work within me that has enabled me to travel without gaining much weight at all.

I have been thinking about this all day and I think I know what's up! Portion control and staying present are keeping me from doing too much damage. Staying present is tricky for me, especially when I am facing high stress, anxiety provoking situations. It is easy for me to become unaware, to go inward into my own little world that is far removed from how much I am eating, how fast I am eating, and what I am eating. Portion control is easier, especially if I check in with myself beforehand about how I am going to deal with the immediate challenges faced by a long buffet of all kinds of good looking food, or even a menu that offers very little in the way of healthy eating choices. One of the nights when we were in Indiana the waitress asked me if I wanted a small house salad with my order and, thinking that would fill me up and be healthy, I said yes and automatically asked for the dressing on the side. Well, the salad came so heavily covered with grated cheese that I could not possibly remove it. I apologized for not asking more questions before I ordered it and then asked for a salad without cheese. This is a new behavior for me because in the past I would have felt that I shouldn't bother the waitress about it and I would have just eaten it, including the cheese. When she returned with the new salad, I was delighted and surprised to see that there were several cherry tomatoes on the salad that weren't even visible because there had been so much cheese.

So now I am back home for a while, totally in control of all that I eat. Let's see if I can't knock some more of this weight off. Or, should I say, let's see if I CAN knock some more of this weight off!

202.2 A Broken Record

Maybe I should say a broken CD, but since I grew up with the term broken record I think it sounds better. My current plateau is feeling like that. Being stuck is no fun, but I am trying to take it in stride. Weight is such a funny thing, or maddening, or frustrating thing! We all have it, but we all handle it differently, and it is very individual. Some folks don't have to deal with it at all, some heavier folks don't seem to deal with it at all (I was one of them for about 20 years), and some have watched their weight continually thereby keeping within about a 2-3 pound range most of their adult lives. I want to be in that third group eventually. Since right now I am proving to be so good at maintaining a certain weight that should be a piece of cake! Ouch! Bad phrase to use right now.

So as I approach the holidays and all that includes (read wonderful food) my goal is to stay steady, to use my inner voice to keep me present and careful, and enjoy my friends and family. That's not too tall an order!

202.4 Keeping Compliments Compartmentalized

I just returned from the workout room at the community center and I have a mixed report to report! I did 12 minutes on the treadmill and I got my heart rate up to 131 which is close to death for someone of my age. Oh, no it's not, (silly me) because this morning on the Wii Fit my age was 45 after I did the evaluation which is optional every time you get on. I did get the treadmill up to 3 miles an hour. For some of you, you are wondering what the big deal is, but for me it is very big because the fastest I ever had gone was about 2.6. So, progress is being made on the treadmill front. However, the elliptical did me in again today. I see my PT tomorrow and maybe she will have some magical technique known only to experienced ellipticalists that she will share with me so I can spend some time on that *#^?/ machine.

But before I hit the machines I went to a magnificent Holiday Brunch. Several people ooohed and aaaahed about my weight loss, but mainly because they hadn't seen me in a while. I have to keep the compliments compartmentalized so I don't think I am done. I took a good hard look at myself in the mirror today before getting all la te da for the party and there is definitely lots of work to be done. It is good to get down to basics in this process of losing weight. After all, I had deluded myself for several years that I either couldn't or didn't need to lose weight and I don't want to fall into that trap again. Again, staying present, being aware of where I am and where I want to be is so important. Compliments are wonderful, but not the same as achieving my goal!