174.6 Letting Go

One of the things I have become so aware of during this weight loss extravaganza (how's that for positive thinking? :) ) is that now I can't use food and wine to tamper down the feelings of stress, and sadness.

Lately I've had this feeling in my throat that is reminiscent of how I used to feel after a big cry. My throat feels bruised and tight. Since I had to see my PCP doctor today about a simple matter of a RX refill I brought it up to him. After going through some basics of my health history and looking in my throat, he agreed with Jennifer, that I'm blocking the flow of emotion and need to continue to work on letting go! I grew up in a family that believed only in physical aspects of health so I probably would have been more comfortable with him saying there was a physical cause. He didn't, and he encouraged me to continue working on allowing emotion to flow. He went on to say that so many of us use addictive behaviors - running/exercise, gambling, drugs, sex, porn, to name a few in addition to food and wine - to help cope with all that we face everyday. I'm wondering if people who are heavy have more issues or just find that the obvious emotional pain killers of food and wine are their addictions of choice.

175.4 The Aftermath

Well, our team (the MZ PHTZ), so named because we didn't really fit into any of the categories, didn't make it to the final round. But on the other hand, we weren't the first team out in our group so our pride is intact. But we had a great time and agreed that we will probably never forget this event. It attracted about 350 people who came to watch so the goal of getting lots of people involved was reached. And everyone had fun, and a lot of money was raised for the kids in the local school system. So who won? The team from the local library won.

So I am off to bed and will probably dream in letters like I have for the past few nights.

(The picture is of the TV star and my dear friend Sally.)

175.4 Spelling Bee TV

This morning the spelling bee that Jeff has been working on for 2 months now was featured on a local TV program. He found out yesterday morning that it would be filmed today, and that he needed to get at least 12 folks, preferably in costume, to participate. I went along as a morale booster since I was the only one from my team that was available. A great moment was when a real bee decided to swoop around Jeff and the interviewer, Yetta. No, this was not planned! Here's the site to see the TV interview. Jeff did a great job planning this and talking about it today on TV along with the rowdy fun spellers!

http://www.azfamily.com/good-morning-arizona/

So I'm thinking about today and how I probably would not have participated if I hadn't lost that weight! And, I would have missed out on so much fun. And, very few people involved even knew that I had been heavier so it wasn't about them. It was about me and how I feel about myself versus how I used to feel. I used to hide and miss out.

I have to remember these things as I continue to make peace with food and with myself.

176.2 52 Pick Up!

Remember that not so fun joke we used to play on one another. It was really only fun if you were the one who got to throw the cards up in the air!

My life is a little like 52 pick up today, but that's good news. I'm in the midst of trying to memorize at least 500 - 1,000 words for the student/adult spelling bee I'm participating in on Wednesday night to benefit the local school system. I've been working on this for a while, but now the pressure is really on. I don't have to win, but I don't want my team to fail miserably either. And my team is in the process of reinventing itself since an emergency has arisen for two of the members so I'm scrambling to find willing friends to join me.

And, I have an appointment this afternoon to meet a new ESL student that I am going to tutor. He's a businessman from Japan who wants to improve his English so I'm really looking forward to that. I'm really excited and happy to have this opportunity.

Now about the weight.... Yesterday I walked very briskly for an hour, the longest I have walked in a long time. And, the weight stayed the same. So focus, focus, focus, Sue! Enjoy all the craziness in your life right now, but stay focused! Small portions, exercise, healthy food, lots of water, eat slowly just to name a few of the things you need to keep in mind.

176.2 No Whining!

Yesterday I was really feeling bad about not being perfect. I've always known I'm not perfect, but somehow with the weight loss journey I really wanted to have it all down pat, easy, without ever getting off track like I did the other night. What I did re-learn is that wine and food are not a good combination for me. I just lose all my inner governance, or what ever you want to call it.

This party also came on the heels of going out with neighborhood friends a little more often than usual, and then all the going out and special food that accompanied our having house guests. And so now we plan to eat all our meals at home during the next week and longer if possible, and to really focus on healthy food, small portions, no wine, and no whining!

176.0 Susan's Gainin'

I wasn't going to write the blog today. I think I should rename it Susan's Gainin'! I am so upset with myself. I can't blame anyone or anything including the scale.

But I did have fun last night. We were at a big gathering, sitting with good friends and I drank wine, ate Italian food and Jeff said I hadn't looked so relaxed and been so much fun in years.

So there you go! I did walk very fast this morning for about 45 minutes. And, I'm trying to put it all into perspective and at the same time figure out how I can be in a good healthy, happy place.

174.4 Back At It!

I just came home from the workout room at our community center. It's part of our homeowner's association which means it is about 2-3 minutes from our house by car. Now that's striking me very funny that I drive there. But anyway, the equipment is fine, it's clean, it is rarely crowded, so why in the world don't I go at least three or four times a week?

Laziness? Probably! I don't know. But I went over there this morning and hopped on the elliptical and we are best friends once again. Remember when I couldn't do more than a minute or so? Today I did twenty minutes and could have done more, but I sort of want to work up to doing 30 minutes over time so I don't shock my body too badly! It was fun, it felt great, and I'm so glad I got with the program once again.

174.2 Real Challenges

Today was a great day. I learned that my ESL student who was visiting in Japan during the quake and all that followed is okay. In class today a Japanese student told us about how her family who live in Tokyo have been managing. It was very touching to hear her speak about all that they have been going through in terms of rationed power, shortages and fears about food and water, interrupted transportation to name a few. I think of the horror of it all, but I forget about all of the challenges that the survivors must have to face everyday.

As I have said before, teaching this class is such a gift for me to experience each week. My issues, my challenges become miniscule in comparison to what so many are facing everyday all over the world.

174.2 Challenges! What Would We Do Without Challenges!

Yes, my weight is pretty stuck, but I'll focus on seriously losing those 5 pounds after the spelling bee, my new challenge. You'd think I'd be satisfied with learning to play bridge and Mah Jongg!

I'm on a spelling bee team with two other gals and since it is only one week away, it's time to get serious! I've just spent a couple of hours on a great site (http://www.visualthesaurus.com/bee/play) that has turned out to be quite challenging. One of the things I've noticed is that some words are pronounced differently than I have heard them spoken. That's a problem. And, I have never heard or read some of the words in my life. For example, kinnikinick (a bark, dried plant, and tobacco mixture smoked by the Indians and early pioneers), and necessitous (needing help immediately), and concinnity (in an harmonic arrangement), are three the of words that were new to me. When I see them now and know what they mean they don't seem so strange, but when I heard them initially, I was thrown for a loop. What I have realized after today's foray into the depths of what this means for me to be of any value to my team is that I need to learn about common endings that all sound the same and change depending on the origin of the word. Oh Sue, so much to learn , so little time!

174.2 Clean Eating?

This morning I was playing bridge at a Barnes and Noble Bookstore Cafe. Right next to our table was a magazine stand filled with all sorts of magazines. Most of them were very familiar, but one stood out because of it's title, Clean Eating. I had never heard that term used before and so became intrigued. I haven't finished reading it, but it looks like it is right down my alley, as my mom used to say. It defines clean eating as "not a diet, but a lifestyle approach to food and its preparation, leading to an improved life - one meal at a time." The recipes look delicious and they include the nutritional info that I love to have.

Finding the magazine was the highlight of the morning, not my bridge playing. Can you or can't you teach an old dog new tricks?

174.2 Better Today

Even though it is dark, cloudy, and pouring, I do feel a little better today. I started learning to play Mah Jong this morning, and that has definitely boggled my mind, but it was lots of fun and we had a great teacher. There will be more classes before we can really play, and I'm looking forward to that. And, tomorrow I have my bridge lesson along with good friends, so I need to quit the complaining. I also need to spend a little time just being grateful rather than falling into the dark. For those of you who acknowledge that inner child that we all carry around with us, Jennifer called and suggested I give her some attention.

So I will keep at it and keep expanding my world so that I don't feel too isolated or bored. And I have things to do to get ready for my new grandchild due in June.

174.0 You'd Think...

You'd think if you lost 80 pounds you'd always be happy. Why doesn't that happiness, that elation that I felt when I lost that weight still exist?

We had a great time with our friends and I think I'm just tired tonight. I probably shouldn't even bother to write tonight, but this isn't the first time I've felt this way. When I was losing, even though it was hard and there were ups and downs, there was that anticipation that if not today, maybe tomorrow I would see a lower weight. And, when I did I was so happy. And then there were compliments, and buying clothes in smaller sizes and now it's sort of routine.

Maybe that's why people put weight back on...the thrill is gone and now what can generate that same feeling of anticipation and excitement. I think I need to rethink getting a life!

173.2 Welcoming Houseguests

Company! We just picked up friends at the airport who will be staying with us until Sunday. Jeff renewed his friendship with a high school buddy at his reunion last summer and we are delighted that they decided to visit us out here.

So probably no postings until Sunday or Monday.

Hope you all have a great weekend!

174.4 The Entertainer Within!

I just got out of the pool after doing my water dancing and singing, as I like to think of it. It is so much more fun when I think of it that way than as aquatic therapy. Because of my back, I really can't dance for very long anymore, but I can jog in the water and sing along with my Mamma Mia songs, and pretend I'm entertaining thousands of people at a concert! Who could ask for anything more?

Oh, I know! The reviews are going to be absolutely terrific! If I hadn't had all of my back issues I would never have discovered this entertainer within!

I am getting back into the exercise mode with more energy and enthusiasm than I have had over the past few months. My walking friends are here, the weather is beautiful, and our pool is warm enough for me to get in and love it. I'm filled with gratitude!

174.8 Putting On The Ritz

Well, not exactly! But I did go shopping today at Chico's and am delighted to report that my size didn't change at all even though I'm up a few pounds. If I had had to move into a bigger size I wouldn't be writing now. I couldn't bear it. So I'm wearing new white pants - you non-Arizonians don't freak out - and it feels like spring or even summer. It's okay to wear white almost year round out here. It was 88 degrees today!

Hope everyone is getting a little more sunshine in your lives.

175 YIKES!

Need I say more?

Going back to the basics of exercise, less food, and healthy food, and setting my priorities everyday is what I have to do. I feel like life is getting in the way more now than it did when I was in the losing mode and I'm wrestling with that. I can't let up on the discipline, obviously, but now that is happening. Here we go again!

174.2 Being Satisfied

We just came home after looking at some houses that are for sale. We really aren't interested in moving, but on the other hand, the prices are low enough to make it tempting. I decided that if we don't move we'll regret it and if we do move we'll regret it. We love our home, but it's a little small. If we moved we'd be into more furniture, more expenses associated with living in a larger home, and most of the time this house is plenty big enough for us. And, we have great neighbors!

It's sort of like my face and weight and shape now. I think I can just be satisfied and filled with gratitude about the home we have, how I look, and what I weigh. Now, I'm glad that's settled! :)

174.2

I just came across this really concise, clear list of some of the best tips for weight loss that I think also pertain to weight maintenance. It's from a Canadian report published in the March 10, 2011 Montreal Gazette. Here's just one section of the longer report.

"Think smart.

--Be aware of your inner voice. Think about how the running dialogue inside your head encourages or excuses bad behaviour. As in: "I'll have these french fries now, but just a salad for dinner," or "It's too icy/cold/hot/ humid/late/early to go out for a walk."

--Practise saying "thanks, but no thanks" to colleagues who bring in baked goods or dinner-party hosts who offer yet another glass of wine.

--Learn to recognize true hunger. Before each bite of food, ask: "Am I so hungry that I would eat this even if it were something I didn't like very much?"

--Be especially vigilant around people you love. Research shows that adults tend to eat more in the company of friends and relatives, especially if they are overweight.

--Don't be hard on yourself. It takes about six weeks to form new habits. Be prepared for pitfalls and setbacks. Hitting a plateau is part of the process - the body's way of readjusting to a reduced food supply. If you stick with it, you'll start losing again."

I really like the explanation of the very frustrating plateau issue. I knew that but reading it again was quite comforting. :)

If you want to read more, here's the website.
http://www.montrealgazette.com/health/Maintain+your+balance+when+weighing+diet/4407537/story.html#ixzz1GPCfxXV3

173.6 Well, How About That!

I haven't been counting because I don't need to. The blog site I use does it for me! I am writing my 500th post as of today. I've written about the good, the bad, and the ugly vagaries of this weight loss adventure, and about a lot of stuff that has nothing to do with weight loss no matter how I have tried to make a connection.

So for all of you that have hung in there with me over these 500 + days, thanks for being a part of it all. And, even if you just read it now and then, I'm glad to have you along. I'm pretty addicted to writing these posts. It just doesn't feel right if I don't do it for whatever reason. Oh, here we go...the weight loss connection is about to occur :)! When I don't write it's a little like taking my eye off my goal of maintaining my weight loss. It just doesn't feel right. So I'll keep writing and watching my weight and I hope you'll check in with me now and then.

174.2 How Old is Old?

This weekend my oldest grandson Lennox is going to be 10 years old! I find that amazing, distressing, and unnerving. Obviously I adore this boy, but he simply can't be turning 10! That means that I am 10 years older than I was when he was born and that is just not possible. It also means that I might be getting old.

How old is old? I know it has a lot to your with your state of mind, but numbers are also involved. And I have a new granddaughter on the way who will arrive in June. Will her first ten years fly by as fast as Lennox's have? It is true that time does move faster as I am getting older, but now I'm ready for it all to slow down like the Merry-Go-Round as the ride is ending. But no, I don't really want the ride to end! What do I want? Plenty of time, that's all!

174.0 Day of Self Indulgence

Maybe that's part of self compassion? Anyway, I started my day having breakfast with Jennifer at the Paradise Bakery. From there I went to get a pedicure and ended up getting the special package that included dipping my feet into paraffin. OMG, did that feel wonderful and my heels are no longer like chisels! And now I am heading off to an appointment with my massage therapist. I know. It's hard to be me sometimes, but somebody's got to do it so it may as well be me! Hope you are having a great day!

173.0 Heart? Head?

Jeff and I have a new game that we play to make each other laugh as we try to make a decision. I call it the Heart? Head? game and it goes like this. You want something but you know it isn't really good for you to do or eat or drink, etc. So you ask what the other thinks and then start saying, "heart? head?" and keep repeating those words until you decide what you're going to do. It can go either way. I'm thinking that a goal in life might be to integrate your heart with you head (mind) so that the best solution is the one that you always go with. Hmmm...heart? head? No matter what, it makes us both laugh. That's a good outcome any day.

173.2 Caring and Self-compassion

I subscribe to Jean Fain's blog on line. (www.jeanfain.com) She is a therapist who uses and teaches hypnosis in Cambridge, MA, among other professional activities. One of her main interests is weight loss. Yesterday her "An Encouraging Word" post included some thoughts on self-compassion. Here is some of what she wrote:

"The practice of self-compassion -- treating yourself like a good friend or loved one -- may be centuries-old news, but suddenly it's new again. Not only did Tara Parker-Pope's blog on the subject make headline news last week, it was the number-one most e-mailed New York Times article of the day." She goes on to say that "self-compassion is the missing ingredient in every diet and most other weight-loss plans."

She quotes Kristin Neff, author of Self-Compassion who writes, “Self-compassion is really conducive to motivation. With self-compassion, if you care about yourself, you do what’s healthy for you rather than what’s harmful to you.”

As I work at keeping these lost pounds from returning, I realize that I need to keep these thoughts in mind, on my mind, in my face so that I remember that it is caring about myself and for myself that this is all about.

173.0 Why I'm Still Fat!

I just received this from a friend and can't resist posting it. Ah, if it were so simple and straightforward. Enjoy your Sunday.

"I figured out why I’m still fat. I’ve been using the wrong shampoo. The shampoo I use that runs down my body as I am rinsing my hair says right on the bottle for extra volume and full body. I’m going to start using my dish washing detergent because it promises that it dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

171.0 Boredom Vs. Hunger

I just came in from a fast walk and realized I had not written a post for today. I usually drag my feet about writing when my weight has gone up, but today I'm happy to say it went down!

Last night I received a very funny list of Adult Truths. Although I loved them all, there was one that has been so true for me. It's this: "I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger."

I still can find myself coming to standing in front of an array of food choices in my pantry. When I stop and think about it, I'm rarely hungry, but usually bored. I think it's a sign that I need to get a life! :)

172.2 Colin and Me

Today we had a date, Jeff and I, and look who we ended up hanging out with...in my dreams. We went over to this adorable little place called the English Rose Tea Room in Carefree. They've always had a lovely cut out of Queen Elizabeth, and today they had Colin Firth there to greet us.

So things are looking better weight wise. I've settled back into my old routine, lots of fish and veges, and today I was back in my pool, thanks to the heat pump and the cover and the warmer nights. Have a great weekend!

172.2 You Know, You Never Know!

You know, you never know. This morning when I arrived at PVCC to teach my ESL class, one of the administrators told me she wrote a composition about my blog, this blog. When I sat down in August of 2009 and started writing this blog, I had no idea about how it would play out, how long I would be writing it, and if I would even be successful in reaching my goal weight. (I had lost about 34 pounds and had 46 to go.) And, I certainly never dreamed it would be the subject of someone's paper for an advanced English class. Life is still full of good surprises.

173.4 Living The Loss

Sometimes I feel a little odd because people will talk about how difficult it must have been/was losing all that weight and I have trouble remembering it. I have trouble remembering what I looked like when I was really heavy. And when I was really heavy I had trouble imagining how I would look when I lost my 80 pounds.

Well, today I went to get my hair cut and colored (shocking I know), and my hair stylist is one of the few people who has seen me high and seen me low! She lived the loss over the 2 and a half years with me, seeing me once a month. And, every time I see her now, she looks at me and says she still is amazed by the difference.

So when I get down on myself about a few pounds, I need to remember that what I did was a big deal and that there is no way I ever want to return to that heavy weight, and it doesn't really matter how well I remember all that transpired as I lost the weight. I just need to know that I'm not getting up there again.

174.2 Keep The Weight Off

Like so many folks my age who have some form of arthritis, I subscribe to Arthritis Today, and monthly magazine published by The Arthritis Foundation. In the most recent issue there was a very brief article entitled "Keep The Weight Off".

Since this is my present and future challenge, I immediately turned to it. I must be a pretty visual person since I can hear things and not have what I hear have the same impact as when I read something. (When I taught elementary school in the olden days :), I would spend time on understanding how each of my students learned, either visually, auditorily or a combination of the two, and then try to teach to their particular modality.) Anyway, when I saw these tips for weight maintenance in print, it helped reinforce what I had floating around in my brain on some level.

Here's the gist of the article: cut way back on those carbs that cause your blood sugar to spike (high Glycemic-Index foods which means they contain a lot of sugar), and choose lean protein to help you feel full. By doing this, you'll curb your appetite and have a better shot at success. The article suggests that you eat "high protein foods [such as] skim milk, artificially sweetened low-fat yogurt, lean fish and poultry" and "low-GI foods [including] broccoli, cauliflower, celery, lentils, apples, grapefruit, peanuts, brown rice, and garbanzo beans".

I just checked out online whether an artichoke is considered a low-GI food. Last night we shared a huge one and it tasted so good. Since they take a long time to eat, they are super for slowing me down when I eat. And, I learned that they are right up there with cauliflower, broccoli, etc., so I'm off to Costco to buy a big bag of them. So good!