174.8 The 5 pound Albatross

It's been frustrating to be stuck with this 5 pound albatross pulling me down. I've been mad, sad, frustrated, angry, and discouraged. I've spent a lot of time and energy with these feelings. I've questioned my weight goal, also. Was I crazy to set such a low goal? Hello! Sue, 170 pounds is not low for your 5'9" height. And then I spend time and energy wishing that I had set the goal at 175 and then I would have achieved it -- or would I have achieved it? Would I be stuck at 180, close but no cigar?

I can come up with some psychological reasons for why I am stuck, pretty obvious to some I'm sure, but I just don't think I am stuck in that way. However, if you've read many of these posts, you know that I did get A+ in Denial for many years around weight issues.

Even though I have plans and ideas for myself after the weight loss becomes a reality, maybe I like this niche @ Susan's Losin, and don't want to leave, to move on? No matter, it's time to lose it and move on. One more time, all together now, get going! By the way, I never dreamed this would be the way it would be so close to the end. I'm ending with a whimper! Yuck!

195.6 Need A Good Cry

Did you see how that weight popped up again? I don't know why I am pointing it out, but I'm mad, which is always better than sad and eating to assuage the pain. It just seems so odd that I can lose, let's see 247 - 195= 52 pounds, but I can't seem to lose anymore. I've tried all kinds of food, exercise regimes, hypnosis, and awareness techniques and I just can't seem to keep moving downward on the scale. If I hadn't just bought a new scale, I would probably try that too.

So, I'm working on emotional stuff, again. I haven't really talked about this, but I don't cry. I can get good and angry (just ask Jeff), but tears are hard to come by. I'd think without wine and food to numb out with, I might have some tears, but I don't. I wasn't always like this, but as I was growing up, being brave, being tough was much more highly valued that showing emotion. So, I'll keep working on things and one of these days, that number will start down in earnest.

I'm wondering if there are others who are reading the blog and are heavy, who share this characteristic of not shedding tears. I've joked that I have dry eye. I guess it's not really very funny.

204.0 Little Things Mean A Lot

If you are old enough you will remember a song with that title. I think Dean Martin sang it, or maybe Perry Como. Sorry if I am dating myself, but it is fun to look back, way back for that one!

Sitting on the plane today, after sleeping for about 2 hours, I started thinking about some little things that have changed as I have lost the weight. For example, I don't have that sinking feeling that the seat belt is going to be too small to go around me. I never did have to ask for an extension, but sometimes it was nip and tuck to get it on. Another flight related change is that the arm rest doesn't ride on my thigh anymore, and my hips aren't snuggled up next to some stranger's as we fly through the air. These are little things in a way, but they are really huge in the overall picture.

And there are more little things. I can get up from a chair or sofa without it being a major effort, and I can get out of bed easily, too. For a while, I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to leave a restroom if I couldn't use the handicapped stall. Too low meant all sorts of maneuvers to get up and off the toilet. Now I don't even think about it. Maybe that was too much information, but when it was happening to me, it was a significant problem.

So now I am back home, missing my family very much and I know that my old way of handling my sadness would have been to eat. Instead I am blogging and I know that I'll be seeing my daughters again before too long. The spinach is ready to be cooked, the fish is thawing, and I am definitely back to my routine!

204.6 Feelings and Being Real

I've been thinking lately about some of the changes that have taken place as I have been losing the weight. The one I feel (did you note that word feel?) like writing about is that of feeling my emotions. When you think of a heavy friend or just your stereotype of a heavy person do you also think of anger, energy, feelings? I don't! I think of a nice, calm, not very energetic person. Stuffing down negative emotions was part of what eating all that food was all about, at least for me. Wearing my mask of complacency, I hid all those feelings of discontent within myself. When I weighed 40 pounds more I didn't really think about it because that would have been too dangerous, too painful. As I have released the weight I am also releasing feelings. No, it is not always pleasant to be with me, but I am becoming more real and often, a lot more fun. Anger is the first emotion that I have uncovered, and I am also aware feeling sad. As I have been experiencing more anger and sadness, I have also been experiencing more laughter, happiness, fun! Not a bad trade-off.