171.6 The Final Video aka The Last Picture Show!

Here's the video. You may have to copy and paste it into your search engine, I say with authority, not being sure that all the terminology is correct. But hopefully you will know what I am talking about. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQnOat3uFew

As you will see, this video is a little long, but then so was the process of losing all of the weight. Recently Jennifer asked me why it took so long and then I reminded her that I had two surgeries in the midst of the weight loss and we did have to do a lot of mind mending, as I like to call the therapy, so that I would never want to use food to dull my emotions again.

The work that I did with Jennifer involved discovering why I had allowed myself to get so heavy, why I used food to stuff down my emotions and the reasons that I needed to do that. So it took a lot of honest grappling with my past to work toward learning who I really was under all of that fat. I still am reluctant to cry, to grieve, but I am aware that there are some changes in emotional responses that are closer to the surface now and I believe that with time I will become healthier in that regard. I'm still a work in progress, some might say a real piece of work :), but I'm excited to be in this new place now.

177.6 Making The Voice and Emotion Connection

When I write these posts I often picture you, the readers. Some of you I know well and some I have never met. I can't see who you are, but through the magic (?) of technology, I can see where you are, what part of the U.S. or world you are located in! And, since I have a fairly stable number of readers each day, for which I am very grateful, I feel a real connection to you.

So today I'll reveal a little more about myself that you may or may not know.

My voice shows the ravages of life and time more than my body! I used to sing in small groups and in church choirs. No, I was never a soloist nor did I have a great voice, but I could sing harmony and really enjoyed it. About 20 some years ago I suffered a major depression accompanied by big hits of anxiety. I was treated with a lot of mind numbing drugs and gained my first big chunk of weight. Along with the depression and anxiety, my voice quality was lost. It became quite hoarse and it still has a croaky sound to it most of the time. I also lost my ability to feel/express a lot of emotion. I've been off all these drugs for about 10 years, but the voice and authentic emotion have never returned.

So, now I am going to try to change that. Tomorrow I am having my first session with a specialist in voice work, and I'm quite excited about it. And, I have good reason to believe that by doing it, I may be able to get some emotion flowing within me. We'll see!

204.6 Feelings and Being Real

I've been thinking lately about some of the changes that have taken place as I have been losing the weight. The one I feel (did you note that word feel?) like writing about is that of feeling my emotions. When you think of a heavy friend or just your stereotype of a heavy person do you also think of anger, energy, feelings? I don't! I think of a nice, calm, not very energetic person. Stuffing down negative emotions was part of what eating all that food was all about, at least for me. Wearing my mask of complacency, I hid all those feelings of discontent within myself. When I weighed 40 pounds more I didn't really think about it because that would have been too dangerous, too painful. As I have released the weight I am also releasing feelings. No, it is not always pleasant to be with me, but I am becoming more real and often, a lot more fun. Anger is the first emotion that I have uncovered, and I am also aware feeling sad. As I have been experiencing more anger and sadness, I have also been experiencing more laughter, happiness, fun! Not a bad trade-off.