178.2 Wearing The Fat and Feeling It

I can feel this weight and I don't like it. This is good! When I got so heavy in the past, I totally numbed out, decided clothing manufacturers were scrimping on fabric and making clothes smaller, and went into total denial. It's funny to me when I see what I've just written because it seems impossible. But sadly it was possible. Today in the grocery store that includes a Starbucks, a woman who had to weigh between 350 and 400 pounds was happily chatting up the Starbucks' gal. It really stuck me how we all can pretend nothing is wrong. The heavy woman was in a motorized scooter for the disabled and I don't know what was wrong with her in addition to her weight. What I do know is that no one wants to be that heavy, or as heavy as I was. It's the denial piece that probably saves us but at the same time gets in our way.

So yesterday, even in my jet lag haze, I stayed very present about what I ate, did my pool workout, and drank lots of water. (No, I didn't make it over to the Y to do the elliptical.) And today I am still very much on track. I don't like how this feels. Let's hear it for being in touch with feelings, all kinds of feelings.

174.8 The 5 pound Albatross

It's been frustrating to be stuck with this 5 pound albatross pulling me down. I've been mad, sad, frustrated, angry, and discouraged. I've spent a lot of time and energy with these feelings. I've questioned my weight goal, also. Was I crazy to set such a low goal? Hello! Sue, 170 pounds is not low for your 5'9" height. And then I spend time and energy wishing that I had set the goal at 175 and then I would have achieved it -- or would I have achieved it? Would I be stuck at 180, close but no cigar?

I can come up with some psychological reasons for why I am stuck, pretty obvious to some I'm sure, but I just don't think I am stuck in that way. However, if you've read many of these posts, you know that I did get A+ in Denial for many years around weight issues.

Even though I have plans and ideas for myself after the weight loss becomes a reality, maybe I like this niche @ Susan's Losin, and don't want to leave, to move on? No matter, it's time to lose it and move on. One more time, all together now, get going! By the way, I never dreamed this would be the way it would be so close to the end. I'm ending with a whimper! Yuck!