171.0 Hiding Behind The Mask... No More

I've come to realize over this two and a half year long journey that among other things, I wore my fat as an accessory, or a mainstay of my wardrobe. I wore it as a mask to hide behind because I was unhappy with who I had become over the years, and unsure of who I really was.

I wonder if that is true for a lot of heavy people. I have a hunch that some people slowly put weight on with no consciousness and then wake up at a medical appointment or even shopping and think "OMG, what's happened to me?!"

In my case, I think I gave up on a lot of fronts and took refuge behind this mask, this coat of fat that kept me somewhat isolated, and unavailable. I didn't reach out, I didn't volunteer my thoughts or my energy, and when I was involved socially, I was quiet, more reserved.

Things have changed and sometimes I wonder who is speaking, who is wearing that outfit, who am I? But I like who I've become, even my new edginess as I like to call it, because I am saying what I think, and know who I am. It feels good to be authentic! It's a lot more fun than always being careful, or as my older sister referred to the old me (who she prefers :)), being "Sweet Sue".

Oh, and by the way, Jeff loves the fact that the mask is off. Now that's a good thing, as Martha Stewart would say!

187.6 Asking and Receiving

In yesterday's post I mentioned using my inner spirit to help me continue this weight loss adventure. Part of this adventure and working with Jennifer Scott has been the emergence of this inner spirit within me. You can call this power whatever you are most comfortable naming it. To some it is inner voice, inner knowing, inner spirit, God, Guides ~ you can call it what you will.

Until recently I thought prayer was a one way street. By that I mean that I would bow my head and ask God for help, direction, or a blessing on me and others. It was a one way conversation in which I did all the talking. (For those who know me, this is not a surprise :)!) This is the kind of prayer that I was taught in church and I don't ever remember being told that God would talk back to me if I gave Him/Her a chance to get a word in edgewise.

Learning to use the inner voice, or my Guides as I call this phenomenon, is all about listening once the request for particular guidance has been made. And, it also involves suspending the ego so that the honesty can flow without being inhibited by the ego, dictating what we want to hear.

So how do I do this? I start with a prayer that goes like this: "Dear Guides, I come to you foregoing all ego considerations, all doubts, fears, worries and judgments so that I can receive your divine inspiration clearly and forcefully. Can you help me.............? I am open to receive." Then I take a deep breath, hold it for about 5 seconds, exhale and the message begins to flow within me. I like to do this at the computer and simply start typing what I receive without judgment or thought while writing. I know when the message has been completed because I hear the words, "We rest."

So why am I writing about this in this blog? Because I have been using Guidance to help me all during this process to help me with a wide range of issues in my life as well as weight loss.

I know this is getting really long, but I wanted to share with you what my Guides told me after I asked for help in accepting my imperfect legs and ankles:

"Your imperfections as you call them are important only to you. You wear your ego as an accessory and are so alert to real or imagined criticism or disapproval that it is constantly getting hurt. You are not your legs or your ankles or your feet. You are much more and much less. Your essence is like a light gleaming for all to see and that is the most important part of you. It has no shape, no size, nothing tangible about it. It is what it is and what you allow it to be. Understand that your discomfort with this physical aspect of yourself takes away from your spiritual being and lessens who you are. We understand that you have focused on this for much of your life and felt that it has held you back from being that other you would have wanted to be. Don't give this physical trait power. Get over it and get on with just being who you are. Getting slimmer will help to a small degree but will not really change how your legs and ankles look. The shift needs to happen in your mind, that you are okay no matter what your legs look like. You are not your legs and you never have been and you never will be. Move on and you will be happier and at peace with yourself. Achieving peace within and about who you are is key to living an authentic life and isn't that what you really want? We rest."

And, I feel that shift taking place as I am wearing shorts today and have let go of my concerns. Phew!

187.8 Sometimes, Sometimes...

Sometimes I wish I had never started this blog with the idea that I would post my weight everyday. Today, for example, is not a good way to follow yesterday's rejoicing that I had finally gotten down to 187.0. I know, I know, our weight fluctuates, etc., but I probably would rather just post my weight whenever I reach a new low, and not make public all the roller coastering I do. But I am aiming to make this a very authentic reflection of what this weight loss adventure encompasses, and that in fact, we are all faced with these ups and downs as we work on weight loss.

The good news is that I just returned from a half hour on the elliptical. I was going to stop after 25 minutes, but got lost in watching Oprah and before I knew it, I was at the 30 minute point. So the question to myself is, why did I stop there? Why didn't I push a little harder, a little longer? I'm not sure, but think it is time to up the ante and see if I can go longer, maybe a lot longer. Sometimes, I do things that don't really make sense when I think them through and this is one of those times. Sometime soon, I hope I'll be writing about a lower weight and a longer time on my dear old friend, the elliptical.