174.6 Hide And Seek

Recently Jennifer asked me about how it felt to be as heavy as I was when I first met her. (The picture on the left was taken within the week following that first appointment.) For someone like Jennifer, who has never been heavy, it was and still is hard to imagine that I could tolerate it, live with it, be okay with those 80 pounds. What did it physically feel like to have such heavy thighs, take up so much space in a chair, to just be moving around? After giving it some thought, I could honestly say that I just didn't think about it most of the time. Weight gain usually occurs slowly, over time, so that you just adapt. I remember making so many excuses about my clothes not fitting well. They shrunk, it was about my posture due to my back, I could still wear them but I'd look a little better in the next size up, and when I went shopping (in the plus size section) they just weren't making whatever size as large as they used to. Oh yeah, the cut of the jeans must be different so I needed to go up a size.

When did I really feel, experience those OMG moments of how big I was? I think it was when I was out with other people, in their homes when the only chair that was available looked like it would crumble if I sat in it. Or, when I was trying to get comfortable in an airplane seat and praying that I didn't have to ask for a seat belt extension - thinking there was just no reason why they couldn't cut a little slack in the length of the seat belts. Why were they so short? And, when I went shopping... Oh, the pain of reality! And when I shopped I bought a lot of things so I wouldn't have to go shopping for a long time and face that music again.

But I had something going for me to ease, to numb everything, and it was a big thing - my back. I could blame it all on my back. I needed a chair with better support because of my back, not because I was going to destroy the chair if I sat on it. My body was changing because of my back and I couldn't exercise and on, and on, so no wonder my clothes didn't fit. Yes, I did have back problems, but the weight was exacerbating those problems if not the original cause of the back problems, so I got myself into a vicious cycle, or is it circle, or maybe both? But that's where I was, spiraling around the obvious.

So how did I get conscious, aware, desirous of seeking to make this huge change in my life? I think the answer is that I couldn't hide from me anymore. The lid came off Pandora's box and I was faced with me trapped in this unhealthy, fat body, looking for a way to get out. I didn't want to be poor old grandma with her bad back, always saying I couldn't do things because I couldn't move easily. I wanted to make all the changes I could to give myself a chance to be fully engaged in life.

Can I give this consciousness, this awareness, this desire to others to help them change? I simply don't know, but I would love to be able to.