179.7 Moving Into Positive Territory

Tomorrow I am having my every 5 year colonoscopy and endoscopy so that means today I can't eat anything AT ALL, and can drink only specified things including that delightful cocktail mixture that I get to start swilling at about 6 pm tonight.

So, yesterday I fell into one of my very bad habits in which I turn toward the negative point of view instead of choosing a more positive point of view or action. I've been working on this with Jennifer for quite a while and it still amazes me that I can fall prey to this habit so easily and without awareness until it is too late. There's that word awareness that I've probably used over a hundred times in these posts, but it still catches me short. So yesterday and especially last night, I became obsessed with the idea that I would simply not survive if I didn't eat anything today and so naturally I had to stock up so that survival would be possible. I ate a huge dinner all the while telling myself that the calories would even out over the two days - honestly, I'm not so sure about that :( - and then about 10 pm I decided that it was my last chance for sustenance so I went in and had toast with peanut butter. Did I think I was going into combat with no provisions? The fact is I just didn't think it through.

I could have thought about the idea that maybe this was a good opportunity to lose a pound. I do have this goal I've been working toward, duh, and I've been spinning my wheels and staying put, and I could have thought about the fact that some good could come out of this circumstance. But no, I didn't think about that until this morning after eating enough last night to keep my neighbors healthy for a week.

And, you have it right...by 10 this morning I was really hungry and none of my precautionary eating did a bit of good. I've had jello and a popsicle and, of course, I am still starving and will be living with this nagging hunger all day.

So how can I make today's situation become positive? I am thinking about how I'm not eating my normal amount, and I'm thinking about the fact that at least there is damage control, but I'm also thinking about the fact that maybe I still have some left over active cells of compulsion lurking in my system. If I do, I better get them out in the open and deal with them before trying to go into maintenance, should I ever reach, oops, when I reach my goal. It's a lot to think about. God only knows if I will have the energy to deal with it.

Probably no post tomorrow.