181.2 Computers, Confusion, and Carrots!

Yesterday I wrote about all I had accomplished and especially about staying off of the computer. I revealed that I seem to be a bit addicted to it. And I wrote that we were expecting guests!

Having published the post, I jumped up, got the appetizers ready (I'd love to use those lovely French words meaning the same thing but I can't remember how to spell them), and Jeff,and Charlee our dog, and I started waiting, ...and waiting. Charlee kept going to the door because I had told her that Annis and Don were coming and she remembered them. The house was clean, Jeff and I were dressed and ready to entertain, but where were they? As it got later I checked my computer calendar and we were ready a week too soon!:(

Had I been on my computer I would have noticed that a reminder of this long awaited event did not pop up on the left hand side listing of calendar events for the day, nor was there a reminder in my inbox. Does this mean I can hang out with my computer more and not feel guilty?

So glad to have lost a pound! And this morning I did head over to the elliptical and rode almost 2 1/2 miles in 35 minutes. I'm making progress. Later this afternoon we are going to see Eat, Pray, Love. I'm smuggling in a bag of carrots, cherry tomatoes, and snap peas to get me through the eating part. The veges aren't going to taste as good as the pizza that is described in the book, but will serve me well in the moment.

179.7 Moving Into Positive Territory

Tomorrow I am having my every 5 year colonoscopy and endoscopy so that means today I can't eat anything AT ALL, and can drink only specified things including that delightful cocktail mixture that I get to start swilling at about 6 pm tonight.

So, yesterday I fell into one of my very bad habits in which I turn toward the negative point of view instead of choosing a more positive point of view or action. I've been working on this with Jennifer for quite a while and it still amazes me that I can fall prey to this habit so easily and without awareness until it is too late. There's that word awareness that I've probably used over a hundred times in these posts, but it still catches me short. So yesterday and especially last night, I became obsessed with the idea that I would simply not survive if I didn't eat anything today and so naturally I had to stock up so that survival would be possible. I ate a huge dinner all the while telling myself that the calories would even out over the two days - honestly, I'm not so sure about that :( - and then about 10 pm I decided that it was my last chance for sustenance so I went in and had toast with peanut butter. Did I think I was going into combat with no provisions? The fact is I just didn't think it through.

I could have thought about the idea that maybe this was a good opportunity to lose a pound. I do have this goal I've been working toward, duh, and I've been spinning my wheels and staying put, and I could have thought about the fact that some good could come out of this circumstance. But no, I didn't think about that until this morning after eating enough last night to keep my neighbors healthy for a week.

And, you have it right...by 10 this morning I was really hungry and none of my precautionary eating did a bit of good. I've had jello and a popsicle and, of course, I am still starving and will be living with this nagging hunger all day.

So how can I make today's situation become positive? I am thinking about how I'm not eating my normal amount, and I'm thinking about the fact that at least there is damage control, but I'm also thinking about the fact that maybe I still have some left over active cells of compulsion lurking in my system. If I do, I better get them out in the open and deal with them before trying to go into maintenance, should I ever reach, oops, when I reach my goal. It's a lot to think about. God only knows if I will have the energy to deal with it.

Probably no post tomorrow.

178.5 Becoming Aware of Awareness!

I don't know if it is just me and my amazing brain or if it takes everyone as long as it has taken me to change habits related to eating and drinking. Just the other night something happened and it dawned on me how easy it is to slip into old behaviors. We were at a restaurant and I had a sip of Miranda's wine. I then gave the glass back to her and didn't think about having any more. But we were taking pictures and her glass which had about 1 1/2 ounces in it got moved by me and all of a sudden I realized I was reaching for it with the intention of finishing it off. I didn't even get it to my lips before I caught myself in the act and handed it back to her. It wasn't a big deal except that it reminded me of how totally unconscious I think most of my eating and drinking had been for many, many years.

Today I had breakfast with a great friend whom I've known for about 35 years. I hadn't seen her in a year so it was fun to see her double-take when I joined her at the restaurant this morning. Later I was with Jeff and Miranda and we were talking about what we were going to order for lunch and it was as if a loud gong went off in my head. I became aware that I was not the least bit hungry and didn't want to or need to order anything. Well, I did order a glass of iced tea and it was perfect. This awareness piece isn't easy to develop, but is so powerful once it takes the place of the compulsive, unthinking behavior. I think I've finally got it!